Saturday, August 22, 2009
my blog posts seems to get emo-er and emo-er as days goes by.
whoever reads? i don't care... at least this is a verbal punching bag, or a written one.
i like how my blog is plain and just black and white. boring, just the way i like it. wooooooo
let me think.
one biggest personal flaw is... i always tell myself to do things, but will be a little afraid, fearing for whatever shit (irrational fear), then i just say "fuck it, just only." and then things ends up worse then how it started. then i will spend a whole night thinking about it, think and think, over interpret, and in the process possibly misinterpreting shit, triggering stupidity. i just can't think properly? and if i think and will always misinterpret stuffs that makes me fear more. and when my aim is to cancel out fear, all these seems paradoxical.
which means i like to worry too much about small things causing me to assume stuffs (that is often not true) being carried away with my thoughts, then behaving unreasonably and foolishly. then end up regret. this becomes a cycle, repeating itself.
sometimes when people say 'i don't care', means they care like hell. seriously. if they wouldn't care they won't even say that. people only say that so that they stop thinking about it, but its honestly hard to lie to oneself for too long. fuck, i hate angering people because of that fact that i know even a well-maintained relationship will burst into flames, leaving scars which takes alot of time and effort to be healed. its another thing about me that i just seemed to be unable to settle things, if i quarell, most of the time i'll leave things as it is, then relations will drift apart, for sure. is it just me? but like this, i have to give in all the time, and its really unfair. i don't want to blame others, but when im completely innocent, what am i supposed to do? falsely admit that is my fault and blah. wow.
never be too quick to judge. judging is a bad thing, you must always have an open mind. see possibilities from all angles. not just one, not always the positive/negative side of a person. and you know looks can decieve. you need to understand the inside out. time, lots of it, is needed to tell how a person really is. so never rush, rushing just makes things worse. things like this can't be rushed. and don't just judge skin-deep, judge whats within. i've made a stupid mistake... something so obvious that's wrong. fuck infatuations, and its misleading thoughts culminating in such a state. but it's pointless to keep chiding myself of my foolishness when i've already commited it. mistakes aren't meant to be repeated, but i'm doing the complete opposite.
i should wake up, and i have a brain so i should use it. such poor awareness in life can be impeding, both mentally and physically.
well you know what? i don't care. mustn't affect life, mustn't affect studies. will reserve my attention for stuffs that require my attention.
btw i said i dont care more then once in this post and you should actually know the point i'm driving at now.