Wednesday, March 09, 2011
DANCE DANCE
WE'RE FALLING APART TO HALF TIME.
so shahfir popped this question to me today: "if you could go back time, which part of your life will you wanna go back too?"
to me i think i like the present and i'll stick to staying in the present. i know there's loads of shit in the past where i could've done to change my life drastically but i know there's a reason why we can't rewind time.
even if i really wanted to rewind, i'll probably rewind in those 'ARGH IF ONLY I DIDNT DO THAT' moments like where i fell and injure myself, and THAT DAY WHEN I LOST MY FREAKING IPHONE. omg seriously scarred for life.
the present to me is perfect. well of course there's so many things that can be better (LIKE ME GETTING MY TWISTS LIKE NOW, UGHHHH). i don't know, i don't wanna go back to the past (not that my past is so screwed though (well okay maybe in sec1)), i have so much good memories in my childhood till just last year in dpa especially (OMG BINTAN, one year already.) but it's just nah i don't want to go through all of that again, yeah everyone would admit it sucks that you lose friends and you don't get to relive the awesome memories back then, but i say again, in life, we move forward.
and i think everything is laid down for us ever so perfectly. and that any single step taken differently would've thrown you down a whole new path in life. maybe for the better or the worse. but will you want to take the risk?
yeah maybe the quality of life waxes and wanes throughout but seriously though i think life never sucks as long as you know you living life to the fullest.
why so deep cp.
because in 2011, i think i'm having the best time of my life.
and not even a quarter of the year is over.
i believe this feeling will last throughout. like justtt. and i'm left with today, and tomorrow, and till evening of friday to withstand this torture. not easy. but well like she said - at least i have someone to miss this year.
on the other hand though, i just realise two things about me (hopefully i'm not too late)
i say i hate judgments and i don't like being judged, but hey i'm the one doing all the judgments. yeah its human nature to judge, i know it's wrong but i really need to kick that habit.
and i say i'm not competitive. and throughout what parkour have taught me, i felt like i managed to apply to my studies. i can seriously give you a bunch of reason why overcompetitiveness is bad but then i kind of realise i still have that tendency to want to do more, to impress, to 'win' others.
i am disappointed but at least i manage to pick this out, and there's only one thing to do now. stop doing them.
i really don't know why i'm feeling them but it is affecting me quite badly. why is there that urge to force yourself to do something that you have no real interest? why the jealousy over not being as good/as knowledgeable? and you know it yourself that there's no real point having all of those because the only reason why you feel that way is because you want better - not for yourself but for how you want others to view you. that's freaking sad.
what happened to intrinsic motivation?
what happened to 'if you force your body to do/learn something it doesn't want to do, it'll be pointless because you're not enjoying it.'?
what happened to being yourself?
but then again. it's always good to try something new - only for the pure reason of wanting to 'try something new'. you never know but you might find something enjoyable. you know it yourself, cp. just keep it mind.
i really don't know why i'm feeling this way. i need to shake it off, let loose, and learn how to just have fun. and appreciate. not hate. whatever do you need be jealous for, when you are already damn good.
maybe it's a phase.
i kinda think it is.
or maybe i should just stop using that excuse.