Sunday, May 29, 2011
What is love?
No, not Haddaway's song, but the question.
For a person who lacks love of all forms since (a rather deprived) childhood, I can't say much. Still, love is opinionated. So here's my (rather cynical) take on it:
Of course, it's special. The first time your eyes meet with hers, the first time you talk to her, the first time you hang out with her; it's special. You start throwing teases at her, ask about her, share everything with her. As the calendar gets thinner, your love for her grows stronger. And when you finally feel that the love is mutual, you start to feel really, really happy. Amidst your messed-up life, someone so angelic appears and offers magic to your soul. She's everything to you: She's the first one you text and the last everyday, she's the only person in your mind, she's the most beautiful woman in your eyes. During the honeymoon period, close-contact grows more intimate everyday - being able to affectionately display how much you love her liberally is something that I would argue to be the nicest thing on Earth. The moment you part, you started missing the feeling of warmth from her every touch, the heavenly sounding voice of hers, and the aromatic scent that you just find ever so pleasant. Everything just sails so smoothly, just like in a perfect world: we all go home in happy faces, all day everyday.
When you love someone, you start caring about that someone. And when you start to care, emotions starts to get involved in the roller-coaster ride. You worry about her safety, you start doing your best to make sure she's happy, you give in your all to make sure she feel secure/protected, physically and emotionally. You start trying really hard, so to speak. You want reassurance, you want to reminded that you are all to her. You start to have expectations, and in turn, you start to face disappointments. Everything happens so quickly. Not long later, it dawns on you - the honeymoon period is over. Once the spell loses its enchantment, we are brought back down to earth again: no more happy faces, loss of hours of sleep at night, neverending waterworks... nothing seems to be steering at the right direction.
Just when we thought we established a sturdy foundation in the beginning months, now a simple rocking of the building could initiate the collapse of it all. It was only then when you start realizing a lot - how weak and fragile this relationship actually is, how is the 'ugly side' of your other half like, and most importantly, how big and important a role she plays in your life.
You then question yourself if all these hardship is worth. There are moments you feel like just throwing that huge baggage of your shoulders and end it all for once, but your mind drifts off to recall the happy times once again. Every single thing we did, every single thing we said, every single place we went... memories replaying through your head. On repeat. An endless loop.
So... does the negativity outweighs the positivity? Does it? Or maybe you should think about it in another angle, e.g. 'What is a pinch of heartache compared to a possible lifelong happiness?'
Somewhere in your heart, you know, the other party didn't mean it. You know, maybe it was just a rough day. You know, you just know, that everything will be okay.
It's scary, sometimes, even pressurizing. Funny how love works that way...
We often don't realise it. We don't pay attention to it. We are blinded by the pain/sadness/anger/disappointment, that we don't see the other side of the coin. It is when we simmer down and take a step back to see the wider picture, can we understand this:
I can't afford to lose you, because you are the world to me.
Ergo the insecurities.
We try really hard, sometimes unnecessarily, to win the hearts of our loved ones. You want to be the very best in her eyes. You will easily feel incapable in all aspects, especially when you know she got it all and you have none. You feel lousy, you feel ugly, you feel incompetent. It's helpless; as much as you convince yourself otherwise, it keeps coming back and haunts you. You start to worry a little, whenever a text message takes a little too long to be replied. You start to worry a little, whenever you feel like you are no longer the center of her attention. You start to worry a little, whenever you feel the shift in the relationship's equilibrium.
And it's not your fault that you feel that way.
It's just the way the heart works when you love a person that much and you want her selfishly for yourself. (It has to be mutual, though.)
It's like everything else in life.
Nothing ever comes easy.
What makes you think Love would be any different?
Here we take another step back, and embrace all these little insecurities and notice it's specialness. And maybe when the time is right, you'll feel a little less insecure and know that she's still going to be by your side.
By your side, forever.
I love you, my dearest. <3