Friday, July 22, 2011
i remember during my secondary school years (especially sec 1, worse year of the 4), where i use this blog to spam emo nemo stuffs. and thanks to twitter (or facebook, otherwise known as "retarded kidz who don't know what's twitter"), the use of blogs have diminished.
i can easily tweet all my depressive thoughts (i do, periodically), but i chose to type them all out in long long paragraphs (a distinct trait of my blogposts). why? because blogging just brings about this special release of pent-up emotions and thoughts that can be so refreshing. i hate the limit of 140 characters, and more so hate the amount of publicity i would get for each tweet. those who reads your blog are those who cares. twitter is getting faker by the minute.
but i don't have all the time in the world to blog. haizmaximumblux
anyway, a recent tweet (referenced from a tumblr post) was: "hate is easy, love takes courage" and honestly you have no idea how much truth it contains.
you know how the year 2010 passed me by as a foreveraloneboi93. i was seeking for love (more specifically, loving someone and being loved back). i wanted company. i wanted intimacy. i wanted shared happiness. so all i had in mind was all the positivity that comes along 'love'. yes of course it's positive, that's why humans yearn it. but we forgot how much sacrifices we make. sacrifices. and then you realize sometimes, how hard is it to love someone. and you know you only have yourself to blame.
take for example, loving someone = being 'loved' by back their family (okay not including the ancestors/relatives, but at least their family). i guess you don't know the amount of stress/panic/fear i face the first few times i met her mum. so much so that i felt the need the avoid and linger in my comfort zone (which screwed things up a little when her mum noticed it), until i realize that it is only this long i can hide from her because it's really just a matter of time. i still have to win the hearts of her parents/sibling, right? sure it ain't easy, but it also is sure that when one can't man up to face his girlfriend's parents, it won't speak good of him. how am i supposed to, especially when i (really) am serious in this relationship, prove that i'm worthy of being her boyfriend if i am to be timid and so uncomfortable with things like this?
well, that's only part 1. only the beginning. once meeting up with each other is accomplished, it's time to show your worth. so. what am i worth?
exactly. my mind is an awkward silence. seriously, what am i worth?
what kind of future will i be leading, will i have enough cash to support a household, am i good enough to make it to somewhere. why am i thinking so far off? wait let's rewind a little bit and say what am i worth NOW? yeah sure i do work from AMA (ashton's movement agency) so i earn a handy dandy amount of money with my spidermonkey-esque skills. sounds fancy, but we all know it's
only a hobby. so yeah, i'm pursuing a diploma in fsv, aspiring director of photography/editor. what evidence do i have to back my talent of any sorts? meh, any average joe schmoe could possibly equal that. nothing too stunning.
and then i digress further into my thoughts, in comparison to HER (and her family):
she's musically inclined (piano, singing++). bilingually efficient (make that trilingual (or more)). from a reputable girls school (cedar's). good artistic skills. good theatrics skills. knowledgeable (perfect score for l1r5). intelligent. she has a happy, complete family (and relatives).
i have NO talent whatsoever in the realm of music. fucking fail in chinese, only average english. neighbourhood school. can't draw, can't speak, can't act. not all that clever. my family? you don't know how bad situation is with me and my dad/bro. my sis has quite a surfacial relationship, and i'm probably only close with my mum. and it's not ALL that close, y'know. don't need to talk about relatives.
it is pretty sad, it just goes to show how little i appreciate of things, despite how lucky i am to be borned and raised by my parents.
how different is that lifestyle compared to mine? and how difficult is it to make things work out this way? pressure, pressure.
and then i extend my weaknesses further.
i may be athletics, but that doesn't make me any better in sport games. i don't have a huge array of sports (only maybe soccer, which i am not all that good in), i can't play badminton/basketball/most recently frisbee for that matter. i'm not entertaining, i can't be a crowd- what am i saying... i can't even speak to people confidently. i hate to use the 'i'm awkward/shy' excuse but i just don't possess that ability to fluently and naturally speak to people (forever and ever. fuck lah don't need to go on any further). i'm not a comedian. i'm not satisfied with my looks either (i can go on an entire passage about this but i really should just keep it at there). i can't be of any help. i don't stand out.
and i'm not in any sense mature. too sensitive to be mature. i got affected by the littlest of things so easily (causing petty and minute troubles in the relationship that can, over time, be really tiring). the people i train with are forever poking fun in the deepest of insecurities/giving harsh insults and all that and i can't do anything but smile/laugh it off, shielding the internal impulse to retort emotionally back. you know how people works, once you show how sensitive you are - you'll be judged/labelled as one. and it becomes another repetitive cycle. surprised? even the people you would deem who know you best, can be the greatest judgmental people who, at times, pisses you off to no end, but you know there's nothing much you can do to solve it. don't you hate it when a person have no particular point when you try to offend/critique, while you are full of flaws to pick on? life is unfair. it never is, anyway.
and i can't handle to role of a leader. too afraid, too weak, too uncommitted. maybe i've couldve gotten the scholarship had i not be so half-hearted in my cca. and i didn't learn. i quitted NRA giving myself excuses such as not enough time/too expensive (WHEN IT IS REALLY JUST ME BEING TOO LAZY TO COMMIT). rockclimbing also so sian. only having cca points in my head as it's motivation (ever since i didn't have any during the course of my secondary school education). probably the only reasonable takeaway from all these if i've devoted more time into training. and if not for that 'extra time' i get away from ccas, i might not be as good as i am now.
WHAT AM I TALKING. i just suck at time management. and commitment. and i still am 'not as good as i can be now'.
when will i ever learn?
i'm pretty sure you can feel the progressive rage in each word right now.
cause i'm upset with myself, honestly.
i am just saying, sometimes being in a relationships makes you realise the worst in you. you'll be surrounded by tall walls of insecurities. maybe it's just me, but i really don't feel good. but i appreciate that fact that i am still somehow in her mum's good books. i just think if i'm like, ernest or felix (random example core), probably i'll end up somewhere higher. and what i appreciate the most is despite all my shortcomings and my immaturity, she's still willing to be there for me.
...
...
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only i can pull myself up.
so hopefully this two posts is enough to release all the suppressed emotions inside of me that i've been wanting to empty.
goddammit cp, work on it please.