Wednesday, July 20, 2011
it's not really a good day today,
or a good week.
it seems like no one would've noticed, not even my girlfriend, but somehow, i feel life just isn't working out the way it should. well, i never actually felt it was working out greatly, but today everything culminated in the ugliest fashion possible. not that there was anything significant that stopped me right in my tracks causing me to break down, but how the overwhelming thoughts in my head brimmed and i just needed them to be poured out, in some way or other.
and i chose to type them all out.
it's really okay if nobody reads this, as long as it gets written, it just soothes me. and that's all i need.
school's first, and foremost.
today (thursday) is probably the last 'break' day before the killer weekend. and yes, the timing of the shoot might overshot till 2am/3am. for two days straight (thank god for those cancelled lessons on monday). for someone so inexperienced, so useless, so incapable of any help, i feel like it makes not much of a difference having me in the set, or the group. it's not that i don't want to help, but judging by my quality, a freshie could easily do better. i feel like it defeats the purpose being in this course for 1 year and running but not actually being enthusiastic to do shoots, not fully utilising my $2k-worth of dslr to create quality films (not just the kind a hobbyist would do - compiling scrap footage with fanciful effects through the use of a non-linear editing program - that, any secondary school media student can replicate). i shall stop repeating how i should step up into a whole new level. but really, after reviewing the tapes for docpro, just look at how amateur my shots are! so unplanned, so shaky (as if the cameraman's hands on spasm), so... boring, to say the least. depressing.
and that is just about how i film. i don't know squat about lighting even up to now (extremely sad to say) and handling the camera equipment well enough. i would suck hard in directing. then i still would have to critique my arguably best strength - the editing role. i'm sticking so narrow-mindedly to sony vegas, like it would be so difficult to break out of the shell and add more editing software in to my arsenal of post-production savvy-ness. i can't handle after effects for nuts. and you know that i have to be editing on a fcp for school videos, but i never gotten myself to use them right! goddamnit.
i have to mention that it's not exactly just the hardcore filming schedule for this upcoming weekend that irks me so bad. it's how the loft stayover for op juvi clashes so timely with this. and it's just fucking horrible when you know school's work come first and it being a group project (and a 5.0 CU module, which i HAVE to get an A), i ought to prioritise my shoot. and i had to misread the dates of the loft stayover to be last week. could it be any much more of a downer?
i am pretty much on schedule with my assignment except for the script, which i have to work on soonest. and then there is: brushing up the write-up for discussion board, producing portfolio, visefx group assignment and 4 tests to study (camlight, scriptwriting, visefx and media law). and not forgetting the much dreaded (albeit fun, admittedly) music video edit after all the hardcore filming. idea blueprint will all be done tomorrow! i hope for a pass for merit.
i really can't wait for this entire sem to pass. year 2 is no joke, trust me. not always fun and fucking games. come holidays, my main priority is to train. and work (which is covered, read on!)
so, it has been a year since i tried corkscrew. and last year i believe i got it down last year... that motion somewhat. but a year later and it seems i'm progressing backwards. omg i swear to you this progression rate is the slowest of any individual i can ever imagine of. nothing beats the demoralisation of knowing that you've tried SO HARD, SO MANY TIMES, FOR SO LONG yet unable to even grasp the basis of the technique. argh you don't know how many strands of hair i've pulled due to this crap. i feel so disappointed in myself, being so fearful, weak, and slow. as much as this passion of mine is the so-called 'talent' that differs me from others, i swear i'm not even half as good as i should be. for a person of nearing 4 1/2 years of training, the level i'm at is less than satisfiable. well of course i'm happy to be able to do this/that, but hey, time to level up.
i swear i must get it down by this month. i really need to progress. i really really need to. i just hate how easily my muscle memory gets affected in training. and sometimes my form just gets all screwy like even the most basic of frontflip (that i've worked 3 years+ already dammit). honestly just thinking of how lowly-controlled my flips really demoralise to no end. wow i hate this shit, no joke!
argh and i should make a progression video SOONEST. after all this school shit, wasting my fucking life. this holiday must progress like mad cow, or else i'll head into sem 2.2 feeling so damned unsatisfied.
rantrantrant
rantrantrant
and i thought in these two so-called 'talents' of mine, i would be more of an expert in them. hey, as cynical as i can be, i'm still so far from any of my targets i've mentally set myself up to hit. so i have a reason.
i'm not quite done yet.
seeya tomorrow if it calls.