Tuesday, September 27, 2011
lotsa shit happened this sem break and i really don't know what to expect.
orders from asos failing so badly
nokia job never seems to be concrete
body clock screwed up and over the top
procrastinating so badly, haven't done the scott-pilgrim-ish film i promised myself to do
body don't seem to be improving...
and of course, of course, relationship woes.
all these shit when school's about to attack in about 3 weeks.
can't believe it's almost october.
my birthday month. i don't know what to expect.
i stayed up till 9 in the morning last night because i couldn't sleep. not out of insomnia, i was dead tired from training, but i just couldn't put my mind to rest. the falling-out, the hurt, the blues.
in the shower i was adamant to make it happened: unfriend on facebook, unfollow on twitter, change password, and end all ties at once. "either your boyfriend, or not your friend at all," i texted. and i thought i was coping well.
of course i was first to apologise pathetically. once the fire extinguishes you'll feel that the subject of the argument is pointless (and invalid, says the internet). however, all these feelings stems from the fact of how the person you love with all your heart, suddenly don't love you all the same. doesn't it pains you? isn't that the worst nightmare come true? tell me about it.
i never thought of the prospect of breaking up. even though i tend to disagree a fair bit, i never let myself think of separating as a form of an escape, to freedom. because the happiness and positivity i feel when i'm with her outweighs the (rather insignificant, when seen in the bigger picture) troubles and flaws.
was i that difficult to not love anymore?
was it so easy to be willing to let me go?
the person you said that you couldn't live without... now you can go on a live your life without him.
sorry i made your force out promises that you are so pressured to keep. you said it wasn't about me. i feel worse not being able to do anything to salvage it.
maybe one day i'll turn my back and think, hey, maybe i'm better off without her. hey, maybe it was the decision to let go wasn't so regretful after all.
or,
i will never forget how the great relationship was left hanging, just like that.
time will tell.