Sunday, October 09, 2011
it was crazy.
but i won't lie and say i didn't see it coming. i was already expecting to be abruptly awakened, rushed to cab down, seeing he living his final moments. the fact that his heart stopped beating for an hour before he got resuscitated, i already had doubts. thing is, he isn't supposed to be living already, but medical technology revived him. and it can only help so much. all is left is his willpower. but evidently, it wasn't strong enough.
two days in a row i had to wake up to horrible news. the whole family broke down again, as we see his pulse rate decreasing... and decreasing... and finally, to a flat line.
mummy said: "pa, ni mei you jiao dai shen me jiu zou le, bu ke yi zhe yang leh pa."
it hit me like a brick.
he isn't supposed to leave the world just yet. so many things are left unaccomplished. totally no last words. there might be a brief struggle to mutter some words as he was flat on the floor yesterday, but still, there wasn't any message left behind. there isn't anything quite as scary as the incident yesterday morning, and each time i recall that scene, my emotions only welled up.
what was my last sight of him? 3.30am, on his computer table, surfing the net as the usual.
last words? "don't know lah, you call her" at probably around 1:50am, as i questioned him where was mama, as it was quite late already.
i didn't even say goodnight.
today was supposed to be a family day at the marina barrage, planned by the PUB. but i said i had work (AMA 100plus), thinking work isn't important enough compared to quality family bonding time.
thinking way back, times when i return home i only merely said 'hello' as a form of greeting, but never bothered to have any more communication with him. i didn't even travel overseas with my family. during the holidays he went to genting with my younger bro and my mum. he didn't wanted to go, but my cousin, whom is quite close to him (repairman when it comes to computers and stuff, so he helped him with repairs a lot) said this: "ru guo ni bu qu, wo bu qu" (if you're not going (to genting), i'm not going too). only then my father agreed. i should be like my cousin.
it's crazily unfair how he had to go just like that. so sudden, so abrupt. thankfully, from the support of my mum's friends, relatives and even my dad's friends, they helped in figuring how to restart the engine of the household. i'm still touched, really, knowing that my dad's basketball friends, a bunch of them, made the effort to gather and to help each other in tough times. one of them donated a hefty $2k. puakang should make that pact.
call me unfilial or unappreciative, i admit that myself. it's a different case for different people, and yes i took things for granted. and in life, we don't always get second chances. however remorseful i am, it still doesn't change a thing. take this as a hard lesson learnt, and through the process, i'll mature into a better and wiser man.
if only i paid more attention, right? if only i cherished family time. if only i known better from his bad sleep cycles, smoking habits, bad coughs and all that. if only i was awake earlier yesterday. too bad now i don't have the chance to show how, despite the bad times, my love for him.
i'm still immature and close-minded. so stucked-up with oneself that i forgot forgiveness is the key to everything. and i shouldn't be so unnecessarily be hesitant to create conversations with my dad. i need to break out of this. we all need to realize that there are bigger problems in life.
don't worry about me people. worry more for my mum. i don't mourn merely for the passing of my father, but also for my mum who is in such a sorry state. sometimes i'm just stucked, not knowing what to do. how do i support my mum? how do i make sure the family can get back in track? how do i do all these matured/adult-ish stuffs when i have not gone through enough?
i followed the traditions of the funeral, despite not being one who is deep into religious practices. but in wish of paying my final respects for my father (that i never did so when he was around), i guess it won't hurt to follow up the family's cultures. then, i talked to cousins i've never spoke to for a long time, burned hell notes for my father, folded gold in preparation for day 4. sometimes the customs of a chinese funeral can be interesting.
bombarded by replies on twitter and smses about condolences to my family and encouragements, it ached my heart so hard. and sometimes, you lose control and breakdown. haven't teared so much before. but thanks to everyone who sent me their best wishes, i wholeheartedly accept them. at times like this, great friends helps a huge lot.
i guess, once you let it all out, you'll have a clearer mind. what is in it now is, being able to take over the responsibility of my father. i don't want my mother to be further worried. i want to be independent and not take things for granted. i spent my self-earned cash. provide support for my family that is now reduced to 4. you have to be stronger, cp, you're soon to be 18.
anyway, as we await for the cremation on day 5, now all we have to do is to pay final respects, catch up with old friends, strengthen up, and take a breather before we go back to living as normal.
man up, cp. no more tears.
i wonder what you're up to now, pa. but whatever it is, i hope you're doing fine.
thanks for everything, i love you.
20th Mar 1960 - 8th Oct 2011
RIP, My dear father.