Friday, October 14, 2011
people mentioned to me on how quick i was to get over my dad's demise.
really? really.
that's how they judge - on the surface. but no matter how jovial and nonsensical, how cheerful and bright, how it looks all so seemingly unaffected... we still lack the knowledge of what's beneath that front we all put for the public's impression.
when in training, my mind drifts. when i'm out, my mind seems to wander more often. when i'm in front of my friends, my mind concentrates on the conversation more then anything else.
but when i reach home and realize no one's on the computer table anymore, or when i go to bed only to see the living room empty, not even the tv noise reverberating, i feel different. i admit, he wasn't part of my daily routine much (sad to say), but all the little things, it all counts. and despite the fact of how unreal everything seems, we can't do anything now.
right? why be a moodspoiler to your friends and emotional, hiding away from the world because you've suffered the loss of someone's important. he wouldn't like if he sees us like that. life has to go on. so why be down when you can be up and cheery?
such a quick week. 7 days today. he'll visit us tonight?
the funeral was
just like that. work starts tomorrow. school, this monday. i've learnt loads, but i really must ensure all these lessons are applied, not just forgotten after a year or two.
funeral are so expensive. do we really need to spend so extravagantly on giving the final respects, considering the fact that the loss of that someone is already so costly?
i'm thankful my father have left quite a sum back to the family, so that my mum can still cope for her remaining working years before retirement. considering me already nearing the age of 18, and my sister at 21, it wouldn't be long till we start working on our careers. compared to many who lost their parents at a much younger age, i guess it's something i have to be hold on to: people have it much worse.
did you know? my father was actually the most well-off in his academics and career. he's actually quite successful. but because of some backstory that i'm not too sure of, we were declared bankrupt once. that's why i sort of begrudged my dad for that. he and his gambling antics, how we had to shift house from one and another, being loanshark-ed and receiving threat calls... peace in the family back then was near impossible. BUT, i never acknowledged the fact that he gradually picked the pieces up to restore stability in the household. was i too naive? was i expecting too much. we should be happy with what we have. forgive, and, despite it being difficult to, forget.
oh well.
depsite not being pious, i'd have to adhere to the religious traditions, that is:
1. not being able to wear red/yellow (or any associated colours) till the 100th day
2. praying on the every 7th day at the temple till the 49th. (then 100th, then death anni, tomb-sweeping, and 1st chinese birthday)
3. not being able to go to people's house
i guess there're more, but yeah.
sometimes looking back at something and thinking about how good it was, much to the contrast of the present where everything seems to no longer works out is pretty depressing. and it's really not easy to get over it.
but you know what they say: we don't ever actually get over things, or move on from it, but rather, we get used to how we no longer ever have them anymore, thus picking ourselves up again and leave life like how it used to before all of that ever happened.