Friday, October 07, 2011
woke up to the most traumatic turn of events today. blurred recollections of my mother suggesting a trip to CGH as my father was complaining about bodily pains. didn't move an inch before i go back to dreamland, but not long later, the whole house goes ablaze with horrifying and deafening screams.
mum to sis: 'girl ah girl, call 995, call 995! ah heng qiu ni xing lai lah!'
can you imagine waking up to such? hurriedly i ran to check what's happening. there he was, lying unconscious and unmoving, flat on the toilet floor, right beside him was my mum in such a terrible state of despair. what can i do? i don't know what to do. it was hard to grasp reality. i just wanted the ambulance here right now. in a effort to quicken things, i made sure the medics can make their way in smoothly. opened the gate, moved things aside, helped my mum carried my dad onto his bed. he was weak and frail: he cut himself on his arm as he fell and pus was coming out of his nose. not that i've been terribly exposed to gore or the ugliest things life has to offer, but definitely this has to top the list of the scariest and heart-wrenching situation i've ever came across with.
he was fine the previous night. same goes for the rest of the yesterdays. he had no bad medical history, 30 years of work and no mc, and despite his bad incurable habit of smoking + sitting in front of the computer for prolonged hours + not having much to eat + really irregular short sleeping hours, he managed just fine, he could still work without any sign of illness. but so abruptly, this morning, he suffered from an undeserved heart attack. how fair is that?
still bed-haired and home-clothed, i picked my wallet and iphone and ran to the hospital, not sure of what to expect. all i know, is that i should be there. all i hope, is that he will be fine. all i want, is to have a fully functional family.
it's so scary, isn't it? knowing the news about the steve jobs, just yesterday. it just doesn't hit us hard enough to know that someone the next day might suffer the same fate as him, until you actually face it.
how, death is so unpredictable.
how, we don't cherish the time of our loved ones well enough.
how, we can't control the future.
we have so little knowledge about what's ahead of us. it's just so scary.
constant news from the doctor from the resuscitation room: "his pulse is not beating, no signs of breathing." i can't believe it, gone just like that? it's not fair. he's not even given a chance to set aside maybe a bucket list or something - he's banished, without leaving any last words. it's the worst way to die, imo, in a state of incompleteness. you have things yet to fulfill, but you have no more time for it.
the doctor came out again for a new update - this time, something positive. "we successfully resuscitated him, we got his heart beating again." not all hope is lost yet. looking back and seeing how it resembles so much of a re-enactment of a typical, hackneyed hongkong drama scene - as the doctor comes out to inform the family of the news, everyone leaves their seats in an excited manner, hoping for good news, and with members crying and sighing - it reminded me that death is so real, despite it being a cliche in drama.
we had so many reminders - just yesterday. steve jobs. it's not an awful coincidence, really. it serves as a wake up call.
with my iphone the only entertainment tool to kill the long waiting times, i tweeted about stuffs that i thought people should know. i'm thankful for all the comforting messages in replies from my friends, really, and how he is sent prayers too. but i guess i'm just overwhelmed by how shitty this holidays have been, with this currently and obviously ranked no.1 of the ultimate shit that could have happened. it makes everything looks so superficial. makes all the things i want in life so, unnecessary. i shouldn't want too much. just be happy with what you have. period.
anyway, as he is sent back up to the medical intensive care unit, we received some more news. the fact that he has not been receiving oxygen/blood to his brain for more than an hour, he is not in a stable condition. and even if he regain consciousness, he might lose his memory. seeing him bedridden and with so many machinery right beside him, and him being bandaged and needled with foreign tools just makes it twice - scratch that, 10 times harder to bear with. i held back my tears long enough, as i see all four other members (including my dad, with his eyes closed) of my family tearing.
tragic.
it sucks not being able to show my final respects. i just don't know how to show love comfortably since young, but knowing that i've been brought up by both my parents, being sheltered and fed, sometimes even spoilt, i have owed my life to them. despite my father being abusive, a gambling addict, sometimes unreasonable, i have to say he is still the breadwinner of the family. what would i do without him? i don't wish to think...
my mother, not having eaten much today or slept well the night before, is going through more terrible circumstances. losing her husband is one, now being the only parent places double the responsibility. she's unreasonably putting the blame on herself, saying that if she could brought him to the hospital quicker (as he is already complaining about the pains before the collapse), it wouldn't have been so serious.
i hate to say this, but i do this all the time when i'm training. but sometimes you just can't predict what's gonna happen. if only i didn't go to bazgym in the first place, i wouldn't have the head scar to remember. if only i didn't try it again, i wouldn't have landed face first on the playground mats and graze my face. if only i didn't... if only. shit happens, face it. it sucks so terribly not being able to have things under your control.
my mum repeated that whole scenario to my aunts and uncles, to the doctors, to my father's friends (basketball friends since his jc times - and about 7 of them came. i wonder if i'm 50, the guys i trained and toiled with will still be there for each other? it's quite a heartwarming sight, actually). a lot of people come down, worrying, praying, and hoping for the best. blood ties are definitely strong. oh so strong.
i had to skip on the 100plus rehearsal for AMA for this after contemplation, and i guess it's for the better. in the final moments of his life i guess it's only right (and the very least of what i can do) to be by his side. money can wait, despite it being the importance right now. because i want to be independent. i don't want to take pocket money from parents anymore. i don't want to spend money unnecessarily. i want to earn money to support them. i hate the guilt that comes with living off them.
but focus on the matter at hand. fingers crossed, pray hard.
at the night i had the support from richie and jeremii, as we ate a tub of walls cookies and cream, and took random photos/videos. i guess that's what friends are for. i am fortunate to have them. and i really shouldn't be affected but anything else.
and for now, all i have to do is to give my mum support, and to stay strong.
thanks everyone.
and papa, please wake up.
<3