Sunday, November 20, 2011
Don't you find people so horrible to work with sometimes? They are the primary factor that determines your mood of the day. They make you mad, they make you sad. I wish I could say that they you make you happy too. But at the moment, no.
We
can conceal our inner feelings easily.
"Judge all you want, I don't care!"
Sure you don't. You don't care so much that you have to make that statement saying you don't. Right.
Ironically, it is the hardest to stop caring about something. All you have to do is not care. Simple, right? But no. You just can't stop controlling yourself. Mind wanders, mind drifts, mind goes back to square one. You thought you made progress, you thought you did. But no.
And in life, you meet people you don't necessarily love and having the spend the entire lesson with. Or, you go out to 'work' and is given an assignment to work with someone that really screws your mood up badly. Here we play the Tolerance game: the first who gets pissed, loses. Now let's see how long you can tolerate, and not care.
I get affected easily, that goes without saying. And when you say we don't pretend like we don't see each other in school, I thought you mean it. I know life's such a pleasure without me now. Good for you, good for you. I wish I could be the reason why you're so happy right now. After all, everyone wishes to have that someone you that you can count on to brighten up your day right?
I try hard, really hard, to stop. Stop it once and for all. But it's really not helping. It's the worst thing ever to know that you not, at all, affected. Am I really that easy to let go? You can say it wasn't. But I really can't tell. I was such a good riddance, and you know it. I know it.
That's why I try to pack my schedules up. Sports camp, work, shoots, trainings... But once I'm back home, alone, without any company... here we go again. I'm not proud of admitting this but, alcohol does the job well enough for a night.
I don't want to boil down to do things just to make myself happy. Retail therapy, splurging on food, pushing one step further in your trainings, laughing it off with friends, etc. It only serves as a temporary distance. And it's almost pointless, that you have to rely on such to be happy. It should be 24/7.
It puzzles me, sometimes, with the way things work: When you blew things off, receiving forgiveness won't come as an easy task - a bad impression leaves a deep, almost permanent imprint which couldn't be erased by any of the good deeds you've done. No matter how much you try, they don't realize - the impression will never change. People are too hard on with their own selfish criticism, unwilling to change. And they say you're the one that never change.
So I'm still immature. Selfish. Stubborn. Contradicting.
I know I have flaws. But don't forget, we all do.
So in life, you're supposed to care more about others than yourself, and do what is socially deemed 'right', in order to be liked, and thus stop people from judging you.
I really wish I can just say: "I won't care anymore", and do just that.
How?
Why is life so difficult?
Regain focus, lose all the 'externalities'. If you know your true goal, nothing else should matter. For me, it is: train hard, become a better DOP and editor, earn money to support my family. I don't need to be anybody else to win the favour of people, because it wouldn't be worth it all for being someone else.