justtt.

Monday, February 22, 2016

I tried to partake in a long distance relationship for the past two years. Met a girl in Bangkok back in July 2013 right before enlisting into army and had a really good (nonsexual) night out with the Boomboom Bangkok gang. Once I got home I didn't really think much into it, just continued life as it is.

Fast forward a year later when she came to Singapore to visit, I became the tour guide of my shitty city for her entire group of friends. Albeit slightly awkward initially, it was great fun, that’s when she was really into me but I still wasn't sure if this was something I want as I had no experience in LDR and especially dating someone of a different background. I felt that I didn't want to lead her on, so I decided to tell her that I do really really like her, however I'm not sure if we will ever marry each other.

But why did it have to be that we must end up 'marry' each other to enjoy each other's company without status? It was because of the previous relationship I was in that caused me to have such thoughts. When you love someone, it's not simply loving the person - you have to love the family, her friends, everything. And their friends have to accept you too. At the point of time, I was still pretty affected by the failures of my first relationship, so I didn't want to commit into something that could possibly not end well... Sad to say, the words that I said broke her heart and it was, up till now, something that I deeply regret.

Fast forward to Songkran 2015 - I spent 5 consecutive days with her at Thailand's most amazing holiday period. Enjoyed it so much spraying water at random people and also with her. These 5 days was probably the most face-to-face connection we established since the first day we met, and I'm pretty sure we grew closer together and it was too me, probably the most memorable event that we did together (apart from the very special first night).

I booked a flight to bangkok to spend a day there before moving to Northern Thailand so that I could see her again even if it's just for a day. I took up an interest in learning Thai and spent the free time I have in the army to do some self-studying about the language. I also wrote my first love letter to her with bits and pieces of Thai, as I figured that maybe the relationship stood a chance... So I really wanted to know how she felt about me.

The funny thing about long distance relationship is that when you are in your different countries, you don't quite know what the other party is doing and it's really hard to tell what's going on. Chatting online and face-to-face is two completely different things. However, whenever we meet, honestly, it is really good and I'm really happy about it. But we slowly lose touch or just don't seem to care as much once we return home.

Back to the story... During my Asia trip, I decide to return to Bangkok to explore the unexplored parts of Thailand before I head to Japan. Of course, she's partly the reason of the detour and yet again I enjoyed my time, eating and drinking with her colleagues and went to an Isaan pub, getting the most drunk I ever was since my 18th birthday... On the night where I had to wake up 6am for a performance. We also celebrated our 2 years of knowing each other.

It was great to know that our friendship was lasting as long as this and we're keeping in touch despite meeting in a one-night-stand kind of situation. However, her reply to my love letter was that she felt what I initially felt about her back then, about how it is better to just be 'special friends' than to actually be a couple. It did hurt to know that, and I really feel like shit saying the things I said in the past, knowing that I caused my own misery now that the tables were turned.

Of course, that did not make me relent, in fact it made me feel like I should try harder to right a wrong that I did.

She came to visit me (with two of her closest friends) in Singapore once again. This time round we didn't do as much as she's only here for 1 1/2 days. But of course I had to dedicate my time to her. There was a night where we sat by the river and I poured my heart out, explaining to her why I said the things I said in the past and why my previous relationship was affecting so much and how I'm trying really hard to make it work, possibly. However, it didn't seem to improve the situation... And as we said goodbye, I promised that I'll visit her hometown for the new year.

Being a man of my words, I book yet another flight to Bangkok, making this the 5th occasion I met her there and this time round I spent a full 5 days with her. This required a hell lot of commitment as I was going to meet her family and her extended family... Being the first guy she brought meant high expectations, but surprisingly the whole family were incredibly welcoming towards me and I had the best time being the only non-local tourist to tour and camp at some of the cool places 'farangs' would go. And I also got to eat meals that grew organically from her garden... All in all, spending my first new year abroad with her was yet another sick experience, and I'm pretty sure this made us grew a lot closer and more comfortable despite a small language barrier. My Thai definitely improved the more time I spend in Thailand!

As we were stuck in the traffic jam heading back to Bangkok and rushing to not miss my return flight back home (after missing my first flight), I asked her if we should try out this LDR thing for real. Now that I actually met her family and how much they liked me too, it was a big burden off my shoulders conquering that huge ‘Meet-the-parents-and-be-accepted’ barrier that I had so much trouble with in my first relationship. To my surprise (and of course, joy), she actually nodded her head and told me she was okay with trying it. She did tell me she is somewhat seeing another guy but I didn't quite think much into it and she also tell me that if I meet someone else in Melbourne, I should go for it. Of course, all that was in my mind is that I thought I am finally able to legitimately say that I have a Thai girlfriend now.

Back in Singapore, only just a day or two later, I received a message (all in Thai, btw) in a group chat I was in, with her sister asking her if she likes me. She replied a cruel 'I used to like him but not anymore'. It left me confused as I thought we were going fine but that does not seem like the case anymore. As mentioned before, I didn't especially like talking to her online because of all the one-way initiating and short replies. Slowly it kinda faded away again.

Post LCG, and everyone was talking about a trip to Bangkok. With everyone there, I was thinking maybe I can have a last yolo trip to Bangkok, right before Melbourne and just in time for Valentines. With such cheap tickets and how everything seems to be perfectly aligned, soon I was on board to Bangkok, with a Valentine's gift and a fully-written-in-Thai love letter prepared and to see her once more before I leave Singapore (and being really close to Bangkok) for good. This also marks our 8th occasion we will see each other and we would have known each other for 2 1/2 years.

Despite how it seems to be such a sweet scenario... It turned out to be a really shitty trip and I almost feel that it was such a waste of having one last weekend in Singapore instead. I found out that she already has a date with the guy she told me back then that she liked for Valentines, so that was pretty much a shitty situation. But it wasn't just that - we met one night before Valentine's and that night I just felt really hurt just listening to the things she says in front of my friends and several small misunderstandings... I just feel like it wasn't worth spending half a Valentines with someone who doesn't even care about your feelings despite knowing how much you like them. So I did a really childish thing of throwing the aeroplane at her last minute just to spite her, although we still met for one last night (day after Valentines) before I fly off.

She cried and cried when I gave her her gift and we talked it all out. To be honest, I'm not sure why she's crying when she was being the mean one the whole time. It seems like she really 'love' the other guy and so does he. Although knowing that I'm better, it hurts to know that I was a second choice. Sometimes I wish I can understand clearer what actually goes on in her mind, and despite knowing that we both obviously share a good feeling to each other, why couldn't she just accept me and be together. Even her friends think that we are the best match for each other. Of course - it's her life and she ultimately decides. I can't do anything about it.

It seems like I have to stop trying so hard for something that will probably not have the fairytale ending that I'm wishing ever so hard for. It is my sheer commitment to things like this that can be really scary as it might only set me up for a greater heartbreak. Sometimes I'm surprised myself at how much I do to something that I'm not sure what to expect of. Never would I have thought putting in this much effort to something pretty risky like this.

It would be really hard for me to put into words why I actually like her so much to do all this, which I think sounds pretty ridiculous as you're doing things without actually having a reason why. But that's just me. Sometimes I have a good feeling about it, and I work towards it and try to turn it to reality. I believe more in hardwork than 'Fate'... However, in this case it really seems that we're not fated to be, right?

Such a long story and you would think that I'm pretty heartbroken and down, eh? However, I'm not quite as affected as most people think I would be. Apart from her, I had a couple of other failures in love that I also committed quite hard and blindly for... Sometimes I think I'm just a hopeless romantic. But the first break up definitely left a scar in me and nothing else will ever come as close. All these rejections are pretty small-scaled and it seems like I know how to deal with them pretty well. Sure, my mind does wander off sometimes but life goes on as usual.

However, despite knowing that the best option is to stop trying and let it go... I don't know why I'm still actually thinking that maybe there's still a chance...