Day 195:

Today I hit an all-time low. 

Just when I thought the $667.50 mistake last week was the final straw and be more careful with such fuckups, today I beat that record of 'biggest price to pay for a mistake'. $777. Just because I was driving Hatta's other car which is still unregistered, and the only reason you can drive that is to fix the car (was using it to get my bike repaired). That amount is insane and I don't want to pay it. I really feel like escaping and running away. It's so annoying as the money goes nowhere but the government here. I don't feel like I did anything criminal or endangering lives or anything. $777 is totally uncalled for and it's fucking stupid. 

All these fines and fuckups, including the pending tram incident one, would've cost $1.8k+. Nowhere in the right world would I be okay with paying that kind of amount. For nothing. Just to cover my mistakes. I don't gain anything. $1800. That's a fortune to me. All the camera stuff I can buy with that. That could last me a good month and a half of travel. I can't afford it. 

My luck just keep running out. Never would anyone else run into a police trap. Didn't have the right words to say until it's over. Pretty much my whole life story. 

Maybe it's karma indeed. Exceeding the student visa limit, not paying taxes, getting away with grocery runs. So karma is real huh.

I was getting over the $667.50 pretty well because I thought I suddenly am earning a fair bit with the additional UberEats income. Maybe I could just get over this one hurdle and not worry anymore. Then comes another.

Each time shit like this happens I just question myself again. Why did I land myself in this shit in the first place. There was hardly a phase in time where I thought I was truly happy here. Now I'm just looking forward to finish this and go back to live life as usual, as it should be. There's no escape. It's the same everywhere else.

I look at every other international student, majority of them came here to get their degrees, maybe some have families wanting to move over and start a business life here, maybe some just have the riches to enjoy overseas living for 2-3 years. Of course there are some like me, hustling hard to make ends meet. But then again, did I want to move overseas to become something I've always hated? I've mocked everyone in the corporate world being like a robot. I'm no different anymore.

I shouldn't have chose a route that I couldn't afford. There has been so many years I've felt that could've been put into better use. Before this year, most of that route I couldn't have choose. But this one, was purely on my own accord, and I can't help but to feel that it's probably one of the biggest wrong choices I've made so far. There was not one moment where I felt like, yeah, life's great. Not one.

So much for escaping the jail that is Singapore. Seems like a familiar feeling in a foreign world. Just a different kind of cage.

PS: It's crazy how pessimistic I am as a person. I think no one knows how negative of an outlook of life I have at first glance. I think it's toxic but it really is how I am. I still get by, though. But damn do I miss being carefree and positive and optimistic.