Wednesday, February 15, 2017
The 8th month is the curse.
It was about 5 years back when my first relationship came to an end just when we almost hit the 8th month mark. Today I guess I'd say my 2nd actual relationship is over just 2 weeks before hitting our 8th month mark too.
Another story closed. Love ends but life does not. I should be used to this by now. Rinse and repeat. I'll get back to my own two feet soon enough. But let me just get this off my chest and be over it after this.
Life is never fair. Whatever shit that gets thrown at you, you take. What choice do you have? Once again, I stumble to understand the reasons to why things have became the things they are now. Out of my control. Helplessness. There's nothing I can do to change things no matter how hard I try. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.
Change is the only constant variable. It can be great. But more often than not, it's deadly. You've become a person I'm shocked to see. From sweet to cruel, heartless, most of all disappointing. I hate how you get so uptight right away whenever I say something that you're not happy with. It's crazy how you can only say sorry and think that's enough to get away with everything. True colours eventually shows and I did not quite expect how ugly you could be. And it's easy for you as you're not the being dumped. It's surprising how quick everything fell apart as well. Fair enough, it's your call, you do what you want.
Funny thing is, I haven't changed. Maybe that's my mistake. But why change when everything is great? Surely I must've missed something. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve treatments like this. Bad karma, it must be. Life hasn't been the greatest, it just keeps piling up. Not a very good start to my Singapore life, but I saw this coming 3 months ago anyway.
It's also upsetting to know how easy it was for you to just give up like that. Most people go through the worst shit but managed to work things out. Sadly it's not the case for me. Everything just fell apart for this once and there was zero effort from your side in picking up the pieces. You were so willing to let something this magical just vanish away, and it beats me to why. I guess I clearly did not matter enough. What a letdown. I must be pretty shit. Nothing compared to you though, hah.
Let's not kid ourselves and think that things will somehow work out in the future and silly make-believe like that. You are dead on with your decision to keep the distance and it is high time for me to accept it. Stupid of me to think that being there in person would fix things, all it did was setting in stone how much of a different person you've become, and how incredibly disappointing that is.
All the imaginary fairytale endings are far from happening in my reality - it may be a perfect match if we end up back together but I believe that it's a bigger loss for you than it is for me. At least I knew that I gave it a good shot, but it had clearly come to a point where I would be digging myself too deep a hole to get out from if I kept going.
I am the same hopeless romantic like a year ago, flying to Bangkok in hopes to celebrate Valentine's with the right person. Two years in a row now I've jetted off for this reason and landed myself in the same shitty position. What an idiot. I really should have a little more self respect. At least La La Land was a splendid watch.
It's a lost cause. Chasing after love and the 'dream girl'. It just shifts your focus away from your true goals in life. There's so much more that deserves priority. My 4 months travel goal is no longer in hindrance, and fuck yeah I'm stoked. Parkour is and will always be the only one I can rely on. It may sound depressing but truthfully I don't need anything else.
Maybe the only thing I will learn from my past mistake is to actually keep a good relation post breakup anyway. It's annoying, and my perception of you will be changed forever, but if there was anything that made me regret the most for my previous relationship was the fact that I severed all ties and now I don't even know what kind of person she is anymore.
Well, life goes on.