Thursday, March 09, 2017
Almost hitting the one month mark since Australia now. Don't feel like I am making much progress.
Wrist is still not fully usable.
Ankle is still kinda wonky.
Wish I can go all out and do more training but no, one part of my body says 'Rest'.
Weather has been raining so much recently.
The Parkour scene here is still pretty depressing to be honest.
Solo training will definitely be more of a thing now.
Started coaching again. Had a good first day but I'm struggling to get more hours. No certifications and lack of gymnastics coaching experience is putting me back quite badly. Getting rates that are pretty shitty despite my experience level. Keep thinking about how long I've been doing this and how far I've come, and yet it's such a struggle to make ends meet. At the end of it all, they're all just numbers.
I'm currently stucked in my editing, taking so so long to make minimal progress each day. I keep looking at what I have so far and I just think... It's so shit. So boring. On one hand I just feel like finishing it up half-fuck and get over and done with as I've been on it for far too long, while on the other hand I want to really do well and be experimental with my edits especially for the fact that I said so myself that I'll do a sick edit since my hard disk came back to me. The editor's block is reallllll. Gotta find motivation within myself to get this job done properly...
I was hoping to become a Youtube Creator but even that plan fell through. Now they're just looking for people over a 100k subscribers. It's so annoying but the harsh reality is that Youtube are looking at numbers. That's when the numbers really matters. But is it really what matters? There's so many ways to look at shit.
I have a job in Surabaya coming up next week, no true confirmations yet but it seems pretty likely. That'll get me by for a bit. Currently also in discussion with a commercial shoot in Malaysia, this one doesn't look too likely especially coming from Hatta lol. Then another performance at NTU for just a little bit of money here and there.
Will start actually chionging my Motorbike lessons, theory and practical. All the 2hr to-and-fro journeys in the early morning will pay off once I get to jet off for a month or two, with nothing but my bike and me. I can't wait for insane adventures. It'll pay off.
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Still trying to get over my breakup. From all the shit I'm going through above, it would all have been pretty alright if I still had that someone by my side. Nights have been the roughest, annoying uncalled-for dreams that wakes you up only to not be able to fall back asleep as you ponder about the sad reality. It's funny as this is a situation I've been through more than enough times in my life, yet I never learn. Emotions and feelings are tricky ones, it is true we shouldn't be too attached to anything but that's just not how how I work. Committing everything into something just for it to not work out all of the sudden. I really wish to reason with things but I have to just come to terms that not everything goes my way. 5th time shy.
It hurts to see how everyone else is doing well and you just think, why and what went wrong and how did it all fail, whilst everyone else, despite their petty troubles and arguments, end up lasting for the longest time. I wish I could be arguing knowing that it'll all be good again the next day. I wish I could have that special story, having gone through all the moments and milestones of my life, but now all I'm thinking is I have to restart from scratch again. Finding someone and opening up to them and learning and getting used to each other's lives is suchhhhh a process and an effort. I thought I was past that, but no.
This time, I wasn't complacent. I did everything I could. I had no other choice in my situation. The most painful part is to accept that you had no control over the issue and it was bound to fail despite the circumstances, and that the other person have completely changed and it's not within your power to fix anything. It's such a pain to tell my family and friends the truth sometimes, maybe it's better to live in the unknown. Up till now I keep thinking maybe there's a silver lining and magic could happen.
It's such a task to just be okay with the shit that happens in life, not just this breakup, but with injuries, with bad decisions, with the whole not-having-life-figured-out state of things at the moment. But the true is life is not perfect. I hate how everything is feeling right now but I hope somehow at the end of this road I'll be looking back and think that I've passed the greatest hurdles in my life and have only great things to come.
Gotta get past this shitty phase of life.