People grieve in different ways. It took me 2 years to completely get over my first break up. I fought endlessly for our relationship to work, and it was really devastating to see everything fall apart. It was incredibly tough to grasp on the reality that things are no longer the same. But that's life. Things will either work or it won't.

It's been two weeks since we last spoke in any form. It may not be long but it probably is the longest time since being together, after the break-up, and maybe even before it all. After several failed attempts to try to catch up with you, I feel that maybe it's time that I stopped trying and see if you want to make any effort, even if it's just my hopeful thinking. I'm not surprised, but being proven right sucks. I really want to reach out still, leave a message, show you that I still care. The longer we wait, the more everything fades, and the harder it is to salvage anything good that will come out of this. But each time I do, it's like a relapse. I put myself in the situation where I know I will get rejected again. I failed to stay away from something toxic. I get reminded to move on from something that clearly needs moving on.

The thing is, in my mind, people don't ever move on. People just get used to no longer having that thing in your life. However, you moved on. You moved on pretty damn quickly, pretty damn well. Some people are capable of that. Some people are not.

Fair enough. I can understand change. I can accept losing interest. I can see why you found someone else. But what I can't get my head around is how you can just let it ALL go, not look back, and be okay with it all. It brings to light so many things that I feel really disgusted about. You've turned out to be so ugly, so lousy, so disappointing - yet, I can't tell you a single word of how I feel about that to you. Despite that, I don't see how that could a reason for me to give it all up.

People can change all they want, but I don't. I'm the same. I don't think that's a bad thing. But it seems to be a weakness, a vulnerability at this stage. I'm dealing with loss. I'm dealing with change. So sue me for trying to resolve an issue by questioning and wanting to know why. Sue me for not being able to take it all in and be okay with it after Day 1. You can't see why I'm struggling. You just wanted to avoid it all, run away, not be reminded of the things you've done.

Fine, then.

The thing is, humans who care about each other get into arguments and fights, and that's normal. Sorry for making a ruckus in an attempt to salvage a dying cause. But it's not really a matter of who's at fault at the moment, because there are more important things than that. Like the bond we have for each other. The connection that we've built up. The good memories.

I have been reminded of my past breakup and how badly I handled it. My biggest mistake in my first relationship was that I severed all ties with her. Now she's a complete stranger. The truth is, you matter too much to me to become a stranger in my life again.

However, this seems like a exact replica of everything that happened 5 years ago. Same old shit. There's just some things you can't quite explain.

Maybe it is silly of me to want to try to continue being in contact with your ex, maybe all relationships should end buried deep in the ground and never to be dug out again?

Can we not include each other in our lives as per usual, continue learning about each other and watch each other grow, without any obligations and expectations?

Or does it not matter anymore?

I really wonder.

It seemed like this is what you really wanted anyway. Good riddance, too easy, end of story.

---

Sometimes I wonder why I land myself in situations like this and how helpless everything is. Being the one dumped has no say in anything, all I can do is to take it. I'm 24 this year and it makes it twice as hard to take. I keep thinking to myself of how I will find the one in the future, when I'm no longer actively meeting new people. As you grow older, more and more of your same-age counterparts are already taken. Gap's becoming huger, options getting lesser. It took me 18 years to find my first love, another 5 years for my 2nd. What's going to happen in the next few years? I'm honestly so jaded about this and can't quite get myself to be okay with being alone and having no one I can share my life with. I'm getting sick of growing old and I keep reminiscing the good old times when it's just better, but it blows to deal with the fact that we're past that age and we can no longer relive those times. It's bleak times and I am currently a floater. Keeping myself occupied with stuff just to fill up the time. No longer motivated to get better due to the current state of injuries. Facing a lot of tough obstacles in my goals which I'm stressing over and unsure how to deal with - and also not being certain of it all turning out great is putting me down a fair bit. I'm no longer capable of enjoying the goodness of life to the fullest anymore. I need a cure.

Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration but I figured to keep on ranting just to stay on topic.

/end