There are so much struggles that I'm facing. A lot of decisions that I'm taken in the last year has landed me to where I am today. Silly ones. Regrettable ones. And alas, irreversible ones. 

The quarter-life crisis is becoming very real to me. Definitely feeling it. The past few months have been quite a trying one. I've been trying to sort out everything I did wrong last year, but I'm still struggling to find a foothold in this leg of the race. 

2016 was the year I set out to study and get my degree. It was something deep down I felt I wanted to do, to have a legit reason to move out of the country and live a life overseas. In the army days, I already decide to commit into this move, even though I had no idea if I really needed it. There was even an instance when I paid for the first half of the school fees, I had a slight doubt that I might not really want this life. But once the transaction's done, it meant I would have to commit to 1 year in Melbourne. I even wanted to try to stay there, find a job, and migrate and all of that. Here's my escape from the chains and shackles of conservative, rigid Singapore. Here's my break. 

During the end of 2015 (post Asia-trip and pre Melbourne), I was spending a fair bit of time working in a trampoline park and doing odd jobs here and there, with a bit of travelling in the midst of it all. It was a period, although I was 'floating' (No NS, No School, No Full-time job), I felt at peace. I accepted everything that came and everything flow out so nicely. But what I did was blocking out potential people to stay in my life as I was certain that I would want to start anew in Melbourne. So I did. 

Come 2016 and after making the best LCG that I was super proud of despite the stress of it all, it was time to head to Melbourne. Immediately after settling down I was faced with immense pressure of making ends meet. Soon came the bills, soon came the fines... soon I realized I am putting myself in a huge financial deficit thus I placed even more time to earn even more money. But why? I didn't have to. I could've been staying in Singapore saving all that money, but now I'm losing even more being there, and sacrificing shitloads of time to hit my targets so that it wouldn't be such a waste of a trip. 

But it was during April last month where I thought despite all the hardships, there was a silver lining. It was you. I now think back during the mid year trip to AAPES and Singapore, it was pretty much the peak of the year, I got 3rd place in both comps and got Best Trick, had the time of my life, and then I spent 2 amazing weeks at home and everything was good. But there's the nagging feeling in the back of my head telling me that I'm spending money even though I'm away and I had to get back there asap before I lose even more opportunity costs. 

What was more important though? Happiness, or money? I limited myself in that matter. I got so caught up with superficial stuff and was unable to soak in what truly matters. If I could turn back time, I feel that I would've chosen something smarter.

Back in Melbourne and things maintained for a bit before it got all hazy again. I was too blinded in my life to see what's out there as I thought I had it all already. I limited myself once again like how I did pre-Melbourne and I did not bother trying to meet new people in my life. School was pretty similar to Poly and the more I think about it, the more I felt having a film degree is pointless. I also got into a habit of blazing and despite what people say about it not being 'a drug', it still is and as much as I don't want to admit it, I have become too much of a 'casual' smoker than I would like myself to be. Fines continued to come and I continued to work even more. In December, I fell and injured my wrist pretty badly and is still in bad shape till this very day. It was also in December when I start to feel all is turning shit with my relationship, but I told myself that I will be able to fix it once my time here is over. Life is bleak and I couldn't see the light. I have done enough in Melbourne and I know staying here any longer may or may not mean I would finally find things to do that meant any progress, so I packed my bags and headed home, with the intention of being reunited with Happiness, in human form, again.

It took me a while to absorb the reality of it all. I got so torn apart and despite my efforts to fix things, it just got worst. Training was my only escape, but I am no longer able to enjoy training that much knowing that several parts of my body are injured and requires resting. As my emotional state slowly started to worsen, I lucked out with getting coaching positions at several places and quickly tried to fill up my weekly schedule with coaching and motorbike lessons, just to pass the time. I endeavored in my future goals such as writing down a list of video goals and pushing to get a Parkour park set up in Singapore, and stepped in to try to push LCG this year again. Safe for the Parkour Park, I did not made much progress with video projects due to the injuries and LCG is looking to be a complete wreck this year, despite the effort and meetings done - it really is truly a challenge to make it accepted here in Singapore, and fighting for the permits is a dying cause for the amount of time left to try to establish any trust with the councils. 

April was a lucky month where I managed to land a few freelance jobs, and on top of the weekly coaching salaries, I was making a decent amount of money which may be the only thing that I feel I'm doing correctly. But the freelance life comes with a cost as I have to try to take on every opportunity as they come fleetingly. I had the opportunity to go to Beast Coast with I am extremely grateful for, but it comes with me missing out on two other HUGE opportunities I was given to as well (China Redbull comp and Apex Intl at Montpellier FISE). No more army/school/or a full-time job and yet, time isn't on my side. We really can't have it all.

The thing is, all these jobs can come but if I am unable to perform, I'll be useless. It was high time I get serious in resting up. Even the one thing that can intrinsically give me joy is slowly losing it's magic. Rest time means more available time in my schedule which I am unable to fill up. What do I do in between? There is no more You, and friends are mostly too busy with their own life, which meant I have a lot of alone time, which I sometimes spend with family. There's little I can do that fulfills me as much as Parkour does. Oftentimes, I will wind up just sparking a j or swallowing a tab, and as much as I think of it as a enhancer more than a reliance, it really is starting to become a disintegrating habit of mine. 

I have invested so much of my life into Parkour and I have no regrets. However, it is starting to feel that I put it way too high on my priorities list that I don't have other things to fall back to. It doesn't help that film is something pretty shaky as a primary fall-back too. Especially when injuries are very real and it can make or break your future career path. There are so many huge plans that I am hoping to do but after the Melbourne debacle, I'm so afraid of committing blindly into the unknown, especially when I'm risking all these effort and buildup for ultimately a less-than-comfortable life, or nothing at all. Mistakes are no longer an option.

Not forgetting to mention, apart from my Parkour circle, I feel distant from all my other social circles especially after growing apart with age. I loss count the amount of times my mind wanders back to a much happier era of my life and wish that I could stay there, or if I could go back and do everything right and better. Maybe if I had sticked to the muggle route, things would be easier.  

Of course, You, ultimately, made me feel that my life has debilitated to such a state. I feel that I'm at such a handicapped state to be meeting new people again. There's very little things in my life that leads me to broadening my social circle. Maybe I'm not trying enough. Maybe I'm too lazy to try again. 

Hopelessness. Yes, if anything, if there was one word I could use to describe my life, it would be hopelessness. I'm still waiting to see the light.

I've been watching a lot of dark series lately and have been reminded about the cruel realities of life. I finished Moral Orel last night and it has to be one of the hardest hitting animated dramedies, in the same class of Bojack Horseman. I feel that maybe I should work on this morbidity to my liking and direct short films about the realness of struggles in life. I have so many ideas and I really want to tell the world. Maybe that's how I should fill my spare time.