Tuesday, September 26, 2017
POST WRITTEN ON: 23/8/17
The emotions and thoughts that are going through my head this entire year has been such a crazy ride and safe to say, it has been quite a trying time. I hoping to learn and improve myself from the myriad of obstacles life threw at me, but then I can't help but feel that I'm have been just extremely unlucky and still trying to figure out what I've done to deserve this.
Here are some pointers in random order.
Committing to the unknown does not always mean it's a good thing. Some mistakes can be extremely costly. Melbourne was the primest example. Sounds like a broken record but, never in my life had I feel this strongly about a mistake I've made - it'll definitely make me rethink about certain decisions that could mean a huge consequence in my future path.
But how would I have known how bad a decision this would be if I hadn't took it in the first place? Could've been great. Maybe I'm beating myself over how bad it is but it was in fact a journey in itself. However, I can't help but to feel that the next few years will be used to undo the damage.
Sometimes you just meet people in life that will disappoint you like crazy. Expectations are the killer. It really isn't the smartest thing to have (unknowingly or not) expectations of other people. But like it or not, we will have it. So be prepared to be disappointed by humans.
I really wish sometimes I can meet someone who shares the same commitment level as you. More often than not, it's others that lack commitment and not me. Or rather, I'm always the one committing way too much into something and not many people can keep up with it. But I have to accept that not everyone is like me.
I really envy the many people around that are able to commit to something for extended periods of time, and are able to push through whatever life throws at them, but I've yet to find someone like that. People with weak commitment are the greatest source of disappointment. I guess it's my fault to expect people to commit to shit like how I do.
It has been half a year since, and I've been trying my hardest to feel objectively about everything. I wish you could just be able to see things from my perspective. I am happy that you've moved on and found your other source of happiness. I wish there was better ways we dealt with it all, but I guess you're way past that and have found better things to do in life. All I can do is to take all the hit on my part and move on in my own ruined state. Getting over this has been such a long ride that only I know of. Attempts in finding a replaced source of happiness has to be one of the toughest thing to deal with this entire year (apart from all the injuries).
Then again, I'm not sure how I am myself compared to others. I may complain a lot but how much better am I? I might be difficult to handle, and an annoyance and a disappointment to others but I'm not aware of it? But should that bother me at all? Maybe that's why I like my alone time. Away from all the judgments. Being human is tiring. Lol
This year I decided to experiment with keeping up with finances without partaking in a full-time job. I just wanted to focus on Parkour being my main source of income and taking up whatever jobs on the side. It went extremely well in the first few months of coming back (March to May), but it died down like crazy in July to August. Definitely felt that I was losing my streak and felt the pressure immediately.
Feeling shitty about the lack of opportunities in Singapore, I decide to fly off to Indonesia to do more adventures. I was actually waiting for the longest time for a confirmation from a client but they told me it will be put off till November. So I committed finally to book the tickets to Surabaya before it gets pricier. Just a few hours after paying for the flights, I received a message saying that the job will happened on the 18th (which I would've been able to make if told earlier, I only booked it because I wanted to waste less days in Singapore). Because of that, I lost $1200 in opportunity cost due to a client fuckup or just purely being suay as fuck. Legit can't get over the fact that I had to lose out on all that money especially at such a low month.
Being in school and in NS was shit due to me missing out on opportunities. But despite being finished with all that and having a year pretty much dedicated to saying yes to the opportunities that come my way, I am sadly still missing out so much. The most annoying thing is the bad timing. Why can't it all come when I'm free and have totally nothing to do? It has to be when I already booked my tickets to USA and planning to be away for two months. So I missed out the DBS reshoot, pending to miss out on StarHub TVC, and definitely missing out on another fast food TVC. If I'm lucky I might land a gig in Taiwan in October tho.
Freelance opportunities are yet another great source of disappointment. If it's not the bad timing, it would be the false hope. Most clients don't grasp the reality of the life of a freelancer but we are at their mercy. What can we do anyway.
Another thing I've learnt is the competition - it's fierce out there, even in Singapore. You're only as strong as your weakest link. Your shitty traits and weaknesses and bad habits will eventually come around to bite you. So realize them and eliminate them. Freelance life is always a struggle.
Another issue I'm facing this year is my self discipline. Fighting to overcome my bad habits has been a year long issue for me. There's always a part of me that wants to chill the fuck out and give up on life and indulge in the substance life and shit like that. Then there's another part of me that wants to achieve all the greatest things in the world but it really is a steep hill to ascend. I've been trying to be much stricter with myself and keep productivity levels on a high, since I am already pretty old and can't afford wasting any more time. Trying to stretch everyday, be stricter on my diet, stop the senseless scrolling, bad spending habits, late night sleeping, etc. Legit have to be more disciplined with myself.
This year I also embarked in what I legitly felt was the most effortful endeavour of my life. It was getting my bike license. The most painful encounter in the past month was Prac 7 ($55 per lesson). It was my third attempt and all was going extremely well until the very final stage where I had to fall off the plank. It legit is the most heart wrenching thing to know something that you did perfectly in practice came to bite you in the ass due to a super simple fuckup and nerves. That costed me another two more pracs and road revision ($140+ and 12hr worth of time seperate into two days). It really is such a painful price to pay. That also costed me to be able to go for my TP before USA. Now I have to make sure I am able to pass before I have to extend my PDL again. Just effort, time, and especially money. #SingaporeLicensePains
If you notice, the major trend in me feeling the way I am is hugely due to me chasing after the gold. If it's not love, or not the injuries that is holding me back, the money is definitely a huge factor of viewing success and affecting myself happiness. I wonder why it plays such a huge part in my life. I honestly hate it so much. Then again, it really is what makes the world go round. I'm not sure how I can change this unhealthy obsession of mine, as the implications of the lack of it are real... Sad to say.
To end off on a positive note,
Simei Training 4 is pretty much the only video project that I fully committed to during the time I am back and actually finish it. Pretty happy how I ticked off most of the goals in my list, so happy I stuck to the all night training, overcome so annoyingly mental challenges as well. Good to be actually motivated to complete this project, granted it's easier cos it's in Simei haha.
So I've gotten third place for the speed comp in Surabaya, and honestly I'm not quite satisfied with my run itself, cos the NAPC on-sites will be on another level. Let's hope I make it to live stream somehow...
Travel season is back in order, with 3 back to back Parkour events which started with the Parkour Festival in Surabaya, followed by NAPC, and another huge one in Hefei, China (in which I designed the course for, really happy with this gig actually).
Had some dumb bruises the past few trainings but nothing too serious, just hope to not further injure myself in this travel season while being able to perform to a pretty alright standard. I know for sure I'm not at my top form, and to get back there will really take some serious resting, but I should be thankful enough to be moving. Had been pretty stagnant the past few months, guess it's better to be back on the move and adventuring again.
This post structure is so off as I wrote little by little over a span of a few weeks, but this is as good as it gets. #endofthislameblogpost