Sunday, May 06, 2018
6/5/18
May is a starkly different month than February.
I say that because February was a magical month. Everything worked out. Injuries healed, job is going great, found love, no stress.
Come May, straight after my holiday in Perth, I found out that I'm jobless.
LCG is one month away, planning is still far from completed and budget is still a bugging issue.
and the happy-go-lucky-no-worries-in-the-world feeling from a relationship has long been gone.
I found myself spiraling down - having needing to balance everything out has been extremely difficult. Something that I wish I don't have to put myself through. But I still do. I could easily just not stress about it by throwing everything away. Stressing out means you actually care about things. It's a weird thought. But obviously the stress can be overwhelming and just too much for one's mental well-being.
One of the most relieving feelings in the world I have is when LCG is over. Well of course I'm sad everyone leaves after that, but man, when you're just done with the whole event, even if it was poorly done (like last year), your shoulders just feels a few KGs lighter from all the fulfilled responsibilities. And yes, when you pour your heart and soul into an event you've created, you want to carry its legacy on forever, knowing that the full potential of the event has not been achieved yet. That's why whenever event day approaches, everything in my mind is like 'ohshitohfuckohshitohfuck' cos you wouldn't know if things will go as planned or not. And only I can determine the outcome of it. No one else will. No one else cares. No one else knows how much needs to be done, and how difficult it is.
Anyway, on top of event responsibilities, handling additional stress from relationship has been bugging me. Surprisingly, despite the good and happy times in the relationship, the amount of arguments and fights we go through (in just 2+ months) seems to be increasingly regular and the frequency of it has quite surely overtaken my previous relationships.
Let me get this straight. I'm blessed and super happy to have found someone that I love this year. I know she's someone who can put up with most of my intolerable nonsense, and she's someone I can connect with. I love her, I love her company, I love spending time with her. And I'm sure it's the same for her. And it'll be a huge loss for me to have this go. However, my priorities of my life requires me to focus and spend so much time on the event planning, and of course to earn the $$$.
Dealing with a depressed individual who's fragile, who's needy of careful attention and a lot of time is something I struggle so hard with. As much as I want to be the punching bag for her, sometimes I have to just put everything aside, all my time, all my energy. I want it to be worth it all, but it takes a lot out of me. It tires me to no end having to stay up till the wee hours being extremely flustered, which I'm not sure how much more my well-being can take.
It's not to say it's not worth it. It's just saying the bad times are pretty damn bad, and I hate it and I don't want them to occur at such regular basis. It's not healthy for either parties. There needs to be a time where the relationship matures and we can walk on our own two feet. It just feels that the reliance on me is so real that it is weighing me down.
Why is it that it tears me apart so much? Why is it that I can't be (in the most ideal situations) perfectly calm and appeasing, readily there to tank many sleepless nights providing a listening ear, in full patience. Feels like only Buddha can handle it. I'm not cut out for handling emotions. I just want to chill the fuck out 99/100 of the time. I feel as if I'm being extremely selfish not being able to satisfy her emotional needs, and I don't feel that I'm quite enough for her seeing that she's still suffering emotionally.
There's really a limit of what I can do. Maybe I do put myself first. I am selfish. I don't know how the selfless people do it. If you're dreading so much in what you're doing, I question myself why am I really doing this. Am I really happy going through this? Do I want to give up my happiness for someone else's? It's just a whole mess that I don't really want to think about.
I wish I could still have everything that I love in a relationship, while still be able to do everything else (LCG, Travel, Training, having my own space, chilling). Maybe there's a reason why having relationship does not really work out well for my kind of lifestyle. My passion is my biggest plus point, yet also a very limiting factor. This is what happens when you dedicate your whole life to something. You lose out so much on the other aspects of life. Job, relationship, family, everything suffers.
But at the end of the day, I know Parkour will 100% be there when I need it. Without obligations, without consequences.