Sunday, September 23, 2018
Whatttt. Way too long since I last blogged. And way too much shit happened since I last blogged.
So... 4 months into The Yard job at it has been pretty full-on. Despite working only half of full time rate (and also getting paid half), I'm feeling pretty tied up. After working 4 months in an office job, I found myself back to coaching kids. Mentally, it sucks everything out of you, and the real pressure of parents watching you meant that you really have to know your shit. Camps season is thankfully over, but there was a phase of waking up at 730am and just barely making the clock-in time of 845am for 5 days straight, having to control an entire group of havoc kids for 3 hours, and then continue coaching for another 3 hours of normal lessons.
This is in stark contrast to being able to enter an office pretty late and having no standard clock-in/off times, and having almost usually nothing to do the entire day. Editing may be stressful but I think coaching (kids especially) is clearly one of the toughest job in the world. Being a Parkour coach is already specific enough – and then having to combine it with kids management… It’s quite a skill…
Fast forward 3 months and I’m done with probationary period. Here comes the mandatory ‘I would like to ask for a pay raise’. Same old, same old. Even the bosses expected it. But it's a straight no. Despite the work I feel I put in. Despite the years of experience down my belt and how far I've come. But so what.
To be honest, it’ll always be like this, no matter where I go. I come in to any company, they start to learn about me, they know that I have shit outside to do, and my priorities and focus goes to them (PKSG). And they accept it, they may even applaud it, but deep inside, they just see me as non-committal, ultimately dispensable.
Holiday period is over meant no more camps, but I still had to clock in at 10am sharp on Mondays and 11am on Wed/Fri. It’s not terrible, but there is not much for me to do, so I end up doing what (I personally find) truly matters – Parkour Singapore work. There is just so much (which I will elaborate later). And then I realize, I do this in my previous company as well. Every window of time I get to fill, I fill it with PKSG. And clearly, this does not resonate well with your bosses. Clearly, no companies will increase your salary if they don’t see your commitment to them.
It sucks tho. I am earning way less than I would if I was paid a freelance rate for purely the hours that I have my classes. But I learnt quickly that freelancers will always be paid more, but in the expense of not having a stable schedule. And freelancers will be the first to be let go if there is a part-time/full-time staff who can take over. It is also because I working half of a full-time rate (why would they pay someone who can only commit 22hrs any more money than someone who can commit 44hrs?). Of course, increasing my hours would mean an increase in my pay, and also makes my bid for an overall higher salary a lot stronger. But do I truly want to live a life that sucks out all my time and leave me with nothing else? Truth is, I can’t bear to increase my hours.
Then why am I holding on to a job that clearly does not pay me enough? There are a couple of reasons. Maybe the ‘Ninja Director’ title is worth keeping and getting some more ‘experience’ with running my own programme. Having already quitted my previous job only 4 months in is already not a good record on the resume. And if I truly do want to work on this Parkour gym dream of mine, having this as a title credential probably would affect a couple of people's opinion of me (schools, bank loans, investors, etc.). But does it truly matter? We're always chasing paper credentials. Do I truly want to stick till May next year? Will I be able to survive at a mere (but stable) 1.15k a month? Freelance options are few and far in between... So much to think about. What I know is for now, keep on keeping on, try to learn as much as I can, get certified as much as possible, and somehow having the bosses do eventually see my worth (altho I should definitely keep my expectation low). Oh well.
There is also the damned fact that The Yard gets to keep me for 3 long months if I decide to quit. Honestly that sucks so much. The Yard is just too smart and stingy af. That alone makes me feel like ‘why would I want to help this company like this?’. There is so much thinking twice to do. I guess my mistake was settling for too little. Or that hurtful truth that I shouldn’t be asking for so much, because there just isn’t anyone else out there that would be willing to pay you any higher. As much as what everyone tells you in your teenage years about chasing your dreams and do what you love, I am now feeling the struggles of making money out of your passion. But I have chosen this. A lil too far into it to be going back on my choices now.
This year has been pretty slow when it comes to freelance opportunities. I had a couple of good ones, like the Uniqlo shoot, and a DHL edit (that took me long enough, and had a frustrating start, which ultimately led to me buying a new PC, yay), a couple of performances (Star Wars, CNY, one coming up next Saturday), being invited to Freerun X5 to do a workshop, couple of birthday party photoshoots at Katapult.
Frustratingly, we haven't quite secured much performance/gigs from Parkour Singapore yet, and when I finally thought I could secure one, it had to be on a day when I'm overseas. This is the second time a high paying shoot (>$1k) clashes with my overseas trip. I have not been travelling at all this year, and when it finally comes to it, of course it ends up on those dates. It's the worst feeling ever. That's almost equivalent to my entire month's pay at The Yard, condensed into 4 hours, but can't earn them because I'm away. But there's literally nothing I can do about it. Suck it up and see another opportunity cost go by. It's funny, because right before booking my Krabi trip happening in 2 weeks' time, I told myself being away is better than being in Singapore, especially when it means spending more time with someone you love. At least you are out there making new experiences for yourself instead of being kept in a routine. I guess this is some kind of sick joke life is playing out on me. Well, I guess if I have to make that cruise trip really worth my time and also just see it as passing on a dope job to someone else and hope they show appreciation for it.
What I feel I accomplished the most this year is our PKSG Level Up classes
The first half of the year was extremely slow and there are points where I just felt the dread to wake up early to make it to those classes. But I still love it a lot more than the other classes I've taught (The Yard, UWCSea, etc.). Finally I can do something of my own. To see the class grow post-LCG was definitely a boost in my motivation and happiness. Money is one thing for sure, but mainly I feel that there are people out there who truly wants to learn from me, and that we have started something to build a family that is really valuable to the community, to myself, and have started the ball rolling in this Parkour business that I wished I've started yearsssssssssssssssssssss ago. But hey, better later than never, and truth is, it's doing pretty well the past 3 months, and the challenge for me now is to continue growing it, hoping it stays good for longer, and hopefully be able to live out of this.
Now for the elaboration about PKSG stuff. It's no doubt a huge focus of my life and it has to be in order for it to be able to stand it on it's own. Maintaining the classes is one thing, but there are also events (LCG, APC, monthly jams), websites, invoices, schedules, emails, social media, ideas & planning, talking to people, etc. etc. There is an entire list of things that I still have to do, but I don't have a lot of time because I need this job that requires so much of my commitment (one more complaint to the list - the shitty need of a replacement (with soooo limited options available) whenever you're not available) because it's the only source of stable income at the moment. Thus the remaining time I have left is spent just barely doing what I can for PKSG. I don't even have time to make my personal video goals and currently training is more of a maintenance more than actually pushing myself and progressing - the drive is slowly decreasing, which is really depressing, never in my 11 years of Parkour life have I felt this way, but whenever I do have a break and start training again, I just can't stop. I just wish I can finally take a break from it all and just focus on improving myself and tick off some of the power goals I have on my list... It's always going to be a challenge I guess.
Almost hitting the 7 months mark of my relationship, might sound like a short time but still, that was fast... To be honest, the past 7 months having a better half definitely shaped me up to be a tougher person. There are a lot more stress and pressure from the added responsibility of being in a relationship, something that you don't have to face during singlehood, but having the support and constant loving from someone is surely something I want to stay for the rest of my life. Time management on top of work and training is being tested to its maximum and it's definitely not easy. I guess life is all about the give and take. You can't have everything. Balance. Yin and Yang. Everything in moderation.
One last little rant. I have noticed how much I've left out on blogging and I wish I have spent more time reflecting and staying away from social media. Now I think social media is INSANE, with facebook/youtube/instagram pioneering an entire market of jobs ranging from content creators to digital marketeers, and ultimately providing us parkour practitioners an outlet to gain potential jobs directly or indirectly through their social media standing, which I think is super amazing! However, it changed everything so much. Parkour is no longer a self-practicing sport because it's all about the numbers now. As much as I love filming down my achievements, I think we've lost the essence of training without having the validation of others now (not that is something new). Also, there's just so little focus on making well-edited full length videos with unused content anymore, because it's all about posting consistently so there's always a short little video for every damn training session (with a cbf edit). Cringeworthy clickbait titles, spamming hashtags, and lame captions like 'comment which move you like more', or 'which camera angle you prefer'... It's pretty ridiculous that not just posters but us as users just fall prey to the entire algorithm system. The saddest thing is that this is how it is going to work. People are just going to post content and get more views, comments, likes, followers, etc. because even the big companies are recognizing AND rewarding that. And everyone's trying to reach there because they know if you eventually do get there, it's does pay off. Fair enough to the big players, but be warned, it's probably a fuckton of work too. The entire influencer lifestyle and selling your profile out in exchange for $$$ doesn't quite cut it for me but that's how the world works. It's scary how everyone is trying to one-up each other doing the biggest descents, roof gaps, or something catchy that can go viral, and actual training don't quite matter anymore. As long as you're social media savvy and appease the algorithm, your numbers will be a stronger resume than actual qualifications can be. It's like you can be fucking beast but if you only have 600 followers, no one will think you're out there. Anyways, I'm now at 18.4k followers, but I can't truly say I've made money through the entire social media business and I've been thinking why do I bother spending so much time posting content, as if it's getting me anywhere in life. I just find the entire social media shizniz really fucking dumb. I've realize I care too much about posting and scrolling and checking too much on my comments (and I will probably do so for this post too), and then reply to those comments just to get more 'engagement', even to the point when I'm caring about what time of day it is so that I can post the video and maximize my reach, stuff like that which I find utterly dumb in retrospect. The scariest thing is I don't even realize it until I'm being told about this by my girlfriend. Sounds pretty full-on, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it's best that I put an end to this sickness before it gets any worse. It's time to take a social media hiatus because clearly I am losing my vision between what's real and what's just numbers on a screen. I'm not losing out by not posting when I don't want to/have to/need to and people who truly love my content will watch my shit and let me know about it, even if doesn't meet the algorithm, and will continue to stay even if my social media is dead, because true followers care about quality, not quantity. I mean I'm still going to continue to create content, but I'm going to make sure I do it because I love it and it's something I want to do, not because of numbers. PS: No hate to anyone, I hope that this post could help remind us to take a step back every now and then to reassess what we're doing and make sure we're not lost. Everything in moderation.
END of story.