It's a big struggle with it recently. When you question life enough, you'll realise that a lot of it doesn't make sense and it really does go against the point of existence. Why am I putting up with all these responsibilities? Are they even necessary? Why care so much? I do spiral down pretty deep.

Closing in on 29 (about to hit the big 3s), the weight on my shoulders never felt heavier (yes, heavier than my 1RM squat). Big ticket items like housing and marriage goes without saying, but then there's also being the manager of a new company and the so-called president of a 'new'-and-budding sports association - things I didn't quite ask for. It doesn't end there - I still have the responsibility to take care of myself. That seems to be the biggest problem here - I clearly don't do it enough.

There's a lot of things that I face on a daily basis that makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Mistakes at this age is less forgivable, it just feels so grave. It also doesn't help that I am the biggest critic of myself. A lot of it gets blown out of proportion in my head, and I'm just having to take the hit over and over again.

I find myself procrastinating a bunch of errands, one that stands out the most is getting my damn phone screen fixed, every time I look at it I just get reminded of how stupid it is, something I never asked for, yet now I see myself having to spend some of my hard-earned cash to get myself a new phone - a decision that took 2 months+ of researching possible solutions - be it a Samsung/third party fix, then weighing the worthiness of keeping this phone or just buying a new phone 6 months earlier than I want to - let's not forget to mention me dealing with shitty Carousellers.

'Wtf this phone issue also need to complain so much?' Yes. It may sound trivial but having to deal with this in between managing people's expectations and handling the other 'big ticket items' is really something I don't wish to have to deal with. All I gotta say is that this is just one of MANY 'errands' that I just don't have the capacity for.

Burnout is the talk of the century at the moment. I'm surrounded by people who have fell out of it because they just can't cope anymore. And yes it does seem like the best move for them and we all have to respect it. But to me, I can't. When the going gets tough, you just keep going. Tank it all the way because you basically have no way out now.

It really isn't all that bad. It's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when negativity is just so abundant everywhere. And in my mind, it lingers.

Parkour to me is really the only thing that grounds me, truthfully it is the one thing that I have associated myself to be 'good' in. Thus, training refuels my happiness. But with the state of things right now, I don't get to be training that much at all, it's sad to say that it's hard to find any remaining energy to want to be performing at a high level anymore, despite it being my driving force in life. I have been increasingly frustrated whenever attempting challenges that I know very well I can do but for some reason still struggling in, and the self-inflicted pressure of complete yet another personal project of mine has been making the process so difficult to enjoy. For someone who prides himself as one who never loses motivation in this sport (even through the most annoying of injuries), it pains me that Parkour is slowly becoming less enjoyable after 15 years of training.

If you can't love yourself, then how are you to love others?

Fun Thailand and JB trips were great and amazing in the moment, but coming back to the grind has been extremely draining. It just feels like a momentary high and then you gotta deal with the shitty-ass comedown which basically lasts forever. You and your sober self just gotta be patient and ride the tide till the next dose of getaway, but obviously you know that's just unsustainable af. Welcome to reality in sunny Singapore.

Anyways, here is a gift to myself because I deserve it.

Also, cut me some slack the next time you see me.