CP`aka[DENESTER's]original'RECIPE*blog.

2012-01-02T00:27:00.002+08:00

Time for the post which people reflect about the year that had just passed.

Loads of shit happened. Good shits, bad shits - it happened. If you would to ask about what I have learnt about this year, I guess the biggest lessons would be these: 1) Cherish what you have, 2) Never ever place so much hope into something, 3) If you wanna do something, you either go all out for it, or don't do it at all, 4) Don't let fear take over yourselves, 5) Don't bear grudges. Be open-hearted, forgiving, and acceptive.

You know I've lost two people that are so important to me. Life was so good in the early months (that I feel it's kinda hard to recall what happened during those months, because when you're happy, time flies like nobody's business), and it went on, and on, till the avalanche came. I can still recall vividly that day I woke up to screams, and that was it. And then that one month when suddenly, I have no idea what happened, all is gone. Feelings, lost. Promises, broken.

Let's not resort to the game of blame. I guess no matter the viewpoint, everything boils down to you. Despite how bad it ended, and how I still recount the good times only making me wish it still lasts till now, at least I grew in one way or another. And sometimes, you just need to that, in life, you don't always get explanations. And sometimes, in life, people change, situation change, so despite how well everything is going, you can never be so sure.

And for my Dad, all the fucked up thoughts about how he gambled away the family's hard earned money in the past, how he physically abused us when I was still young, how he's so unreasonable in his argument and self-centered in his thinking... all of it dissolved, once I (actually bothered to) see the other side of the coin. Of how he left this house for us. Of how my mother is fully backed up for the rest of her lives with his leftover insurances. Of how he actually gave thought for the family.

Of course I am guilty. And I hate bearing grudges. I can't believe I held one for so long on someone who, literally, raised me to the world. Honestly we don't talk much. Sometimes, things are just like that, and it's really so difficult to change it. But I am eternally grateful for the enrichment for all the 18 years of my life he gave to me. It's pointless saying it now, insincere even. But oh well, no point regretting any further.

I'm glad the last months of 2011, despite being the shittiest of all, managed to take a turn for the better... At least I know my YouTube channel is rolling out original content that people want to watch. Viral hits one after the other (not really but, yeah). And each time I strive to raise the bar. I guess I've found my own style to edit/film my videos. That's what we all try to do, right? Establish something that is unique to you. The unique filmmaker's style.

And then, I'd said I lost a third person, but honestly I guess it's stupid things people do out of uncertainty, out of loneliness. So I'll have to kick that out of the list.

All in all, I've made new friends (not too much honestly), know existing friends a lot better (especially classmates, and people I want to keep), improve in PK a fair bit (far from achieving my tricking goals, sadly), more so mentally (doublekongs how I love you now), learnt a lot of life lessons, broke the clubbing/drinking virginity (please don't get addicted CP), laughed a lot, played a lot, and made mistakes that I should wake up to.

All in all, thanks for the year, 2011. I'm grateful for all my friends.

Here comes 2012, and here comes a whole new perspective to tackle life.

New goals, new mindset. For the new year.

Let it be good. Scratch that. It will be good.

2011-12-11T00:55:00.001+08:00

kk lah i should seriously stop. no more means no more... you'll hate me more this way. no more. let's just see how it goes. you have fun, let's see if i ever will see you again. :)

2011-12-10T01:23:00.002+08:00

pathetic.

that's what i am. i know.
unlike you, i very much need time. however long, i do not know.

but yes i am feeling fucking pathetic, having blogposts after blogposts about you. i would keep it in me, but i feel the need to voice it out.

i don't understand why too. i guess it's hard to adapt.

i can take myself to face reality at first. that's why i refused to let go: i clung on, i hoped, i tried. but it's one-sided, right? what's the point then. but you always get what you want. of course if you leave me, you'll be happier. it's also one-sided for me, but i have to let you win. despite all the promises. you said they were forced. well don't make it the first place. but of course, it's my fault for all the pressure too. at least i meant more promises. at least i was willing to commit. you said you sacrificed a lot. you don't know how much i sacrificed too. but you weren't there to appreciate it. you wanted more. you are never satisfied. i tried, i really tried.

you think it's pressurising. i don't know why too. you think it's not for me? i really think having you outweighs all kinds of pressure. i'm proud to have you, but apparently you don't feel so anymore. since it's not the same, why continue the torture? i'll help you end it. i see you're so much happier this semester. for obvious reasons: i'm not there to spoil it. glad to know you're happy. do you think i am? you wouldn't care. well, humans are all selfish.

maybe it's because you never cared, that much, or at all. maybe it's because you would settle for someone better, there're so many better guys out there. maybe it's because i never actually made you happy, fulfilled.

was it that easy to fell out of love with me? was i that unbearable for you to want me out of your life eternally? was i so easily replaced, forgotten, abandoned.

it's so much easier for you. look at the number of new, close friends who never fails to cheer you up. i can no longer do the job. no more magical hugs, no more kisses to make it all up. you won't care anymore. you can do without me. remember the stuffs we say, before we sleep. of how your entire life will cease working if i were to leave? and how i probably get on with it all the same. it seems like it's the other way round.

yes yes, the words people say when they're in love.

no matter how many conflicts we've been through, i never once thought separation was cure. despite seeing the evil side of the person you love, you continue loving them, not minding their flaws. but never have i seen this part of you. love is a mirage after all.

honestly though, i never felt so hurt from a person before. yes you wouldn't admit the fault, but from my point of view, this is what you made me feel. sometimes you forget the sacrifices the other party makes too, not just you. but i guess, with your high expectations, it's hard for me to hit it, knowing how little i am capable of. with that statement alone shows my unworthiness already.

of course, in the future, i'll think back and say "it's a pity it didn't all work out", but i know that when the time is right, i'll find someone better. that won't be happening for a long time, though. but somehow, the things you do, and say, will still be something that matters to me. i know it's not for you, but for me, it will.

it sucks, once i know it's truly over. you're probably glad i took it out on you that very day. that gave you a reason to end it once and for all, officially. for me, it sparked me to come face to face with reality, and stop being deluded and getting hurt any further.

i tried to get back into friendship, something you wanted. i never wanted to settle back to being just friends, then. you are still the person i care a lot for, just that now, i don't show it. but i don't think you'll need another friend like me anymore. so i really should just give up.

i may be assuming, but that's what i feel now.

if i were to give an advice, i'd say... love with all your heart, or don't love at all.

2011-12-04T23:18:00.003+08:00

i'm still waiting for the day you finally initiate something. anything.

i know i'm waiting for things that will probably take forever to happen. even though if that one thing i'm waiting for is simply attention. not love, not getting back together, not pity. just, being back to 'normal', whatever 'normal' means.

fine if i fail as a bf, fine if i fail as a friend even. but i don't get it when people think that by avoiding that one person, he/she will heal. avoiding for so long. not even wanting to ask about what's going on with your life anymore. you don't know how bad it feels.

every single time i see you online on fb, my mind face that typical type-then-backspace conflict, and sometimes i lose abit of control and press enter instead, hoping that i don't mess it up that bad. sounds loser-ish, i know, but seriously, you don't know how it makes me feel. and all the time, it makes me feel like a disturbance, interrupting you from your busy busy life. busy not just with assignments, but also with the new, more important, better people you have met. yes i know you're happy, and i should be glad. but have you asked about me, and how i am now? and why am i feeling the way i am feeling right now? you don't.

of course i'm not completely over you, but if you think avoiding is the way to go, i can't do anything to change that. i would have to somehow make that work.

what gives me the right to feel anything anymore, right?

i stopped stalking your twitter. despite how i want myself to stop feeling affected, i succumb to the curiosity of your life. but i guess it's really, really better, to know less. of cos you don't care about mine, so that ain't a problem for you.

what happened to me being the one that knows you best or whatever, when now, i think i know you as much as i know a stranger. i know, in life, you lose people you love. but seriously, is it so much out of your control to put an effort?

and when people still ask about me and you... i don't even know how to explain. i really don't know.

you still owe me a bday dinner.

2011-11-26T12:25:00.002+08:00

rejection is honestly the worst feeling on earth, second to trying so hard on something but still not ever getting what you wanted.

worthlessness.

i wonder what would happen if it's not for red camp.

but it could've gone any other way, right? so what's the point.

please just give up, cp. just give it up.

glad you are enjoying your life now. and i really shouldn't spoil the fun.

2011-11-24T16:25:00.002+08:00

why i think i love fsv?

we all watch films: shorts, features, dramas. but probably only lets say a rough estimate of 10% of the population knows how hard it actually is to be on set, to shoot even a single scene. what goes on behind the camera, how much planning, and how much it costs. let's not get started with the technicalities: like, how tough the lighting set up is, framing and composition of the shot, getting the best sound from the boom. don't forget how much pressure is on the cast to deliver. and then all these will be given to the editor, to cut and compile the clips together into a story, an idea, or the concept, which is ultimately visioned by the director.

so much knowledge is actually required to make a good film. to make it professional. from prepro, pro, and to postpro... everything has to fall into one piece. its not just technically demanding, but physically exhausting. needing to be on set, for 18hrs long, or if you're the editor and having a deadline, you'll be facing final cut pro for several hours to end. so determination and perseverance, atop all the knowledge and applications.

of course i won't say the things i do is that hardcore currently. but i really appreciate how films are when they are broken down into it's raw form. everything shows in the final product. how visually appealing and directive the framing is, how brilliantly intricate the effects are, how the light perfectly brings out the mood, how the cuts suggests this or that, etc.

and when i had that sudden brainstorm to make an actual pk video purely cinematography-based, so many ideas came up. i'll try to live up to my hopes. also, horror film. something that i really really wanted to do for a long time. sometimes you need that extra push to make sure you get your lazy bum and do some proper work for the first time.

if all works well, i hope film can be a successful career for me.

2011-11-20T00:59:00.002+08:00

Don't you find people so horrible to work with sometimes? They are the primary factor that determines your mood of the day. They make you mad, they make you sad. I wish I could say that they you make you happy too. But at the moment, no.

We can conceal our inner feelings easily.
"Judge all you want, I don't care!"
Sure you don't. You don't care so much that you have to make that statement saying you don't. Right.

Ironically, it is the hardest to stop caring about something. All you have to do is not care. Simple, right? But no. You just can't stop controlling yourself. Mind wanders, mind drifts, mind goes back to square one. You thought you made progress, you thought you did. But no.

And in life, you meet people you don't necessarily love and having the spend the entire lesson with. Or, you go out to 'work' and is given an assignment to work with someone that really screws your mood up badly. Here we play the Tolerance game: the first who gets pissed, loses. Now let's see how long you can tolerate, and not care.

I get affected easily, that goes without saying. And when you say we don't pretend like we don't see each other in school, I thought you mean it. I know life's such a pleasure without me now. Good for you, good for you. I wish I could be the reason why you're so happy right now. After all, everyone wishes to have that someone you that you can count on to brighten up your day right?

I try hard, really hard, to stop. Stop it once and for all. But it's really not helping. It's the worst thing ever to know that you not, at all, affected. Am I really that easy to let go? You can say it wasn't. But I really can't tell. I was such a good riddance, and you know it. I know it.

That's why I try to pack my schedules up. Sports camp, work, shoots, trainings... But once I'm back home, alone, without any company... here we go again. I'm not proud of admitting this but, alcohol does the job well enough for a night.

I don't want to boil down to do things just to make myself happy. Retail therapy, splurging on food, pushing one step further in your trainings, laughing it off with friends, etc. It only serves as a temporary distance. And it's almost pointless, that you have to rely on such to be happy. It should be 24/7.

It puzzles me, sometimes, with the way things work: When you blew things off, receiving forgiveness won't come as an easy task - a bad impression leaves a deep, almost permanent imprint which couldn't be erased by any of the good deeds you've done. No matter how much you try, they don't realize - the impression will never change. People are too hard on with their own selfish criticism, unwilling to change. And they say you're the one that never change.

So I'm still immature. Selfish. Stubborn. Contradicting.
I know I have flaws. But don't forget, we all do.

So in life, you're supposed to care more about others than yourself, and do what is socially deemed 'right', in order to be liked, and thus stop people from judging you.

I really wish I can just say: "I won't care anymore", and do just that.

How?

Why is life so difficult?

Regain focus, lose all the 'externalities'. If you know your true goal, nothing else should matter. For me, it is: train hard, become a better DOP and editor, earn money to support my family. I don't need to be anybody else to win the favour of people, because it wouldn't be worth it all for being someone else.

2011-11-09T23:58:00.002+08:00

i had no idea you read this blog.

i don't know to be glad or sad. i rant it out all here, cos its over here where i feel the most secure of sharing my deepest secrets.

anyway, what's the point of reading it? i'm no longer important. sometimes being so strong-willed and having the never-say-die attitude isn't a good thing when it's only gonna cause more hurt in the end. so no matter how i keep trying, i know one day, i'll run out of steam, and one day, you, too, will 'no longer be important'. that's what you want. and you always get the things you want.

talk to me when you're ready

2011-11-05T22:39:00.003+08:00

Dear You,

Life's a lot better for you these days, I believe. I know you're busy with school and other commitments... but I'm sure you're having fun and coping fine. Anyway, life on my side isn't a whole lot greater, but I'm working on it.

Anyway, I just really want you to know this: Thanks for everything. Good or bad, pretty or ugly, it all helped in molding the person I am today. I'm not sure for you, but for me despite how things ended up, those months together were something to remember. Something that I'm glad for happening. Well, it didn't last as long as I wished it to, but I think it doesn't matter anymore.

I know I not the easiest/nicest boyfriend to be with. I make a lot of mistakes and am stubborn and all that, I know. I didn't do a good enough job. But it's okay, I'll learn. You were great to put up with me for so long. We get on each other nerves a little too much sometimes, but I thought we'll grow to accept it. But as we all know, everything has a limit. I understand. It was tough for me too, but I've learnt a lot.

And yes I get it. I'm done with this. I'll get over it. I apologize for everything. I know that I've ranked down in your list of importance, so I'm not sure if you actually care about what I just wrote. Just know that, deep down, you're still that one person I'll deem the special someone. And although you probably don't need me anymore but, I'm always here.

I'm not writing a note to you hoping that you'll get back to me... You may also find this all bullshit... Anyhow, I've spoken my piece...

Good luck in your future endeavors,
Yours Truly.

2011-11-03T22:32:00.003+08:00

end of week 3 now.
wanna guess how am i feeling now?

shit after shit after shit.
but why am i feeling so affected over shit, when they clearly shouldn't matter?
so many stuffs else to care about. so many... more important... stuffs...

so i've got across week 1 with n9 nokia.
week 2 with my birthday, marche, and TiD.
week 3 with my video, and bboy too i'll have to add.

i haven't really gotten into gear. coming back home and sleeping due to the messed up weather, not training, not doing any work, just slacking a night away. then what do i do during the free time... when there's nothing to just refrain me of those thoughts.

honestly i can't wait to get my pay from nokia, hopefully it reaches >$800. what do i do with it? half to my mummy, half to my travel funds. save first, enjoy more later. what have i gotten out of it? though it was a major fail in so many ways, i did have fun, really. scape and cine all day, play play play and you get money out of it. and a free ninja costume!

and then, week 2, everything just fell apart. at least for the first half of it.
you can say i was in the wrong, whatever it is. but it all hurts and that's the essence of it. so really, all that i did in the past were not so much of an importance to you. so easy for you to say, so easy. you said i'm selfish, but how are you different from me, right? but i get it, no longer no. 1 or even close to just a 'friend' now.

it's okay, live your own life and i'll live mine. i'll get pass this phase, and once i'm out, i'll find someone better. and i wish that you find a better one too. you probably won't. but what am i to say anything actually? i'm horrid. but at least i really tried. sucks to know that sometimes your effort isn't all that well-received. what can i do? what can i do.

and when people reveal their true colours, it's always an ugly sight. i guess you've really been hiding behind the covers so well, you leave me with no words. maybe all that you said were true. that i, essentially, suck as a boyfriend - no - as an individual. i guess i'll work on that. i hope you'll work on yours too.

and then there's this void you feel, that missing part of yourself. do we really need someone to feel complete? can't help it when the change is so sudden, and you tend to get lonely really easily. what do you do then, get all depressed and desperate? that cannot be an option... so a new goal for me: to find strength without dependency.

backontrack: my birthday. couldn't care less about that fake wish and text msg. had a birthday cake in class (thankz t2a1!), 2 mudpies (thankz kristen and felix!), met up with this kellyhong, and then 1 beer + 5 shots at night (thanks FSV kids and JAZ!)! it was genuinely fun, something that needs to be relive again. oh well. holidays then say.

then i had marche with the pksg guys. crepes the best i swear! then we went on to watch a crazy, crazy match of football. intense atmosphere at the liz, but arsenal triumph chelsea 5-3 and that was amazing. i'm not a gooner nor a blues fan, but why not enjoy a good game of football with friends? (Y)

later that night, all drama begins to unfold. after knowing the 'free tix' from nigel were just express passes not admission... we fall back to plan b: sneak in. with directions from zack who is working inside, i managed get it unscathed, easily. but i had to get the other 6 people in, so i had to go out and lead them in again. but obviously in a bigger gang, it'll be so much easier to get caught. and the last person got caught. failllllllll then had to stay till 2am to be finally released. it was a night of thrill that did not go down as planned -_-

halloween jam was quite a failure cos of everyone else who were so half-assed of halloween. but at least some of us still had fun, played really hard, trained kinda hard (finally), and just random scaring of people at night. that completed the day, and i headed home early to prepare for a boring monday. drama prod sucks i swear - but i won't go into that.

and i got enough footage (finally) for my video so all i had in mind was to quickly finish it and post it up. and so i did. and i loved the response. like seriously, such upbringing response - what won't you like about it? this sets a standard in my next videos and all newer videos will have to top (or at least match) that. viral video #GOODJOBCP

and schoolweek's done just like that.

and i still had to think about you. am i really that weak? now you know, cp now you know. so stop already.

ohwell, the weekend's packed with shoots. i will start actually doing productive work, plssss. and i will train really hard tomorrow. i await tuesday's bboy sesh! #excite

PS: i hope you're doing well up there. honestly it still feels abit weird with only 4 of us at home. oh well.

2011-10-14T22:18:00.003+08:00

people mentioned to me on how quick i was to get over my dad's demise.

really? really.
that's how they judge - on the surface. but no matter how jovial and nonsensical, how cheerful and bright, how it looks all so seemingly unaffected... we still lack the knowledge of what's beneath that front we all put for the public's impression.

when in training, my mind drifts. when i'm out, my mind seems to wander more often. when i'm in front of my friends, my mind concentrates on the conversation more then anything else.

but when i reach home and realize no one's on the computer table anymore, or when i go to bed only to see the living room empty, not even the tv noise reverberating, i feel different. i admit, he wasn't part of my daily routine much (sad to say), but all the little things, it all counts. and despite the fact of how unreal everything seems, we can't do anything now.

right? why be a moodspoiler to your friends and emotional, hiding away from the world because you've suffered the loss of someone's important. he wouldn't like if he sees us like that. life has to go on. so why be down when you can be up and cheery?

such a quick week. 7 days today. he'll visit us tonight?
the funeral was just like that. work starts tomorrow. school, this monday. i've learnt loads, but i really must ensure all these lessons are applied, not just forgotten after a year or two.

funeral are so expensive. do we really need to spend so extravagantly on giving the final respects, considering the fact that the loss of that someone is already so costly?

i'm thankful my father have left quite a sum back to the family, so that my mum can still cope for her remaining working years before retirement. considering me already nearing the age of 18, and my sister at 21, it wouldn't be long till we start working on our careers. compared to many who lost their parents at a much younger age, i guess it's something i have to be hold on to: people have it much worse.

did you know? my father was actually the most well-off in his academics and career. he's actually quite successful. but because of some backstory that i'm not too sure of, we were declared bankrupt once. that's why i sort of begrudged my dad for that. he and his gambling antics, how we had to shift house from one and another, being loanshark-ed and receiving threat calls... peace in the family back then was near impossible. BUT, i never acknowledged the fact that he gradually picked the pieces up to restore stability in the household. was i too naive? was i expecting too much. we should be happy with what we have. forgive, and, despite it being difficult to, forget.

oh well.

depsite not being pious, i'd have to adhere to the religious traditions, that is:
1. not being able to wear red/yellow (or any associated colours) till the 100th day
2. praying on the every 7th day at the temple till the 49th. (then 100th, then death anni, tomb-sweeping, and 1st chinese birthday)
3. not being able to go to people's house

i guess there're more, but yeah.

sometimes looking back at something and thinking about how good it was, much to the contrast of the present where everything seems to no longer works out is pretty depressing. and it's really not easy to get over it.

but you know what they say: we don't ever actually get over things, or move on from it, but rather, we get used to how we no longer ever have them anymore, thus picking ourselves up again and leave life like how it used to before all of that ever happened.

2011-10-09T00:25:00.003+08:00

it was crazy.

but i won't lie and say i didn't see it coming. i was already expecting to be abruptly awakened, rushed to cab down, seeing he living his final moments. the fact that his heart stopped beating for an hour before he got resuscitated, i already had doubts. thing is, he isn't supposed to be living already, but medical technology revived him. and it can only help so much. all is left is his willpower. but evidently, it wasn't strong enough.

two days in a row i had to wake up to horrible news. the whole family broke down again, as we see his pulse rate decreasing... and decreasing... and finally, to a flat line.

mummy said: "pa, ni mei you jiao dai shen me jiu zou le, bu ke yi zhe yang leh pa."

it hit me like a brick.
he isn't supposed to leave the world just yet. so many things are left unaccomplished. totally no last words. there might be a brief struggle to mutter some words as he was flat on the floor yesterday, but still, there wasn't any message left behind. there isn't anything quite as scary as the incident yesterday morning, and each time i recall that scene, my emotions only welled up.

what was my last sight of him? 3.30am, on his computer table, surfing the net as the usual.

last words? "don't know lah, you call her" at probably around 1:50am, as i questioned him where was mama, as it was quite late already.

i didn't even say goodnight.

today was supposed to be a family day at the marina barrage, planned by the PUB. but i said i had work (AMA 100plus), thinking work isn't important enough compared to quality family bonding time.

thinking way back, times when i return home i only merely said 'hello' as a form of greeting, but never bothered to have any more communication with him. i didn't even travel overseas with my family. during the holidays he went to genting with my younger bro and my mum. he didn't wanted to go, but my cousin, whom is quite close to him (repairman when it comes to computers and stuff, so he helped him with repairs a lot) said this: "ru guo ni bu qu, wo bu qu" (if you're not going (to genting), i'm not going too). only then my father agreed. i should be like my cousin.

it's crazily unfair how he had to go just like that. so sudden, so abrupt. thankfully, from the support of my mum's friends, relatives and even my dad's friends, they helped in figuring how to restart the engine of the household. i'm still touched, really, knowing that my dad's basketball friends, a bunch of them, made the effort to gather and to help each other in tough times. one of them donated a hefty $2k. puakang should make that pact.

call me unfilial or unappreciative, i admit that myself. it's a different case for different people, and yes i took things for granted. and in life, we don't always get second chances. however remorseful i am, it still doesn't change a thing. take this as a hard lesson learnt, and through the process, i'll mature into a better and wiser man.

if only i paid more attention, right? if only i cherished family time. if only i known better from his bad sleep cycles, smoking habits, bad coughs and all that. if only i was awake earlier yesterday. too bad now i don't have the chance to show how, despite the bad times, my love for him.

i'm still immature and close-minded. so stucked-up with oneself that i forgot forgiveness is the key to everything. and i shouldn't be so unnecessarily be hesitant to create conversations with my dad. i need to break out of this. we all need to realize that there are bigger problems in life.

don't worry about me people. worry more for my mum. i don't mourn merely for the passing of my father, but also for my mum who is in such a sorry state. sometimes i'm just stucked, not knowing what to do. how do i support my mum? how do i make sure the family can get back in track? how do i do all these matured/adult-ish stuffs when i have not gone through enough?

i followed the traditions of the funeral, despite not being one who is deep into religious practices. but in wish of paying my final respects for my father (that i never did so when he was around), i guess it won't hurt to follow up the family's cultures. then, i talked to cousins i've never spoke to for a long time, burned hell notes for my father, folded gold in preparation for day 4. sometimes the customs of a chinese funeral can be interesting.

bombarded by replies on twitter and smses about condolences to my family and encouragements, it ached my heart so hard. and sometimes, you lose control and breakdown. haven't teared so much before. but thanks to everyone who sent me their best wishes, i wholeheartedly accept them. at times like this, great friends helps a huge lot.

i guess, once you let it all out, you'll have a clearer mind. what is in it now is, being able to take over the responsibility of my father. i don't want my mother to be further worried. i want to be independent and not take things for granted. i spent my self-earned cash. provide support for my family that is now reduced to 4. you have to be stronger, cp, you're soon to be 18.

anyway, as we await for the cremation on day 5, now all we have to do is to pay final respects, catch up with old friends, strengthen up, and take a breather before we go back to living as normal.

man up, cp. no more tears.

i wonder what you're up to now, pa. but whatever it is, i hope you're doing fine.
thanks for everything, i love you.

20th Mar 1960 - 8th Oct 2011
RIP, My dear father.

2011-10-07T23:52:00.006+08:00

woke up to the most traumatic turn of events today. blurred recollections of my mother suggesting a trip to CGH as my father was complaining about bodily pains. didn't move an inch before i go back to dreamland, but not long later, the whole house goes ablaze with horrifying and deafening screams.

mum to sis: 'girl ah girl, call 995, call 995! ah heng qiu ni xing lai lah!'

can you imagine waking up to such? hurriedly i ran to check what's happening. there he was, lying unconscious and unmoving, flat on the toilet floor, right beside him was my mum in such a terrible state of despair. what can i do? i don't know what to do. it was hard to grasp reality. i just wanted the ambulance here right now. in a effort to quicken things, i made sure the medics can make their way in smoothly. opened the gate, moved things aside, helped my mum carried my dad onto his bed. he was weak and frail: he cut himself on his arm as he fell and pus was coming out of his nose. not that i've been terribly exposed to gore or the ugliest things life has to offer, but definitely this has to top the list of the scariest and heart-wrenching situation i've ever came across with.

he was fine the previous night. same goes for the rest of the yesterdays. he had no bad medical history, 30 years of work and no mc, and despite his bad incurable habit of smoking + sitting in front of the computer for prolonged hours + not having much to eat + really irregular short sleeping hours, he managed just fine, he could still work without any sign of illness. but so abruptly, this morning, he suffered from an undeserved heart attack. how fair is that?

still bed-haired and home-clothed, i picked my wallet and iphone and ran to the hospital, not sure of what to expect. all i know, is that i should be there. all i hope, is that he will be fine. all i want, is to have a fully functional family.

it's so scary, isn't it? knowing the news about the steve jobs, just yesterday. it just doesn't hit us hard enough to know that someone the next day might suffer the same fate as him, until you actually face it.

how, death is so unpredictable.
how, we don't cherish the time of our loved ones well enough.
how, we can't control the future.
we have so little knowledge about what's ahead of us. it's just so scary.

constant news from the doctor from the resuscitation room: "his pulse is not beating, no signs of breathing." i can't believe it, gone just like that? it's not fair. he's not even given a chance to set aside maybe a bucket list or something - he's banished, without leaving any last words. it's the worst way to die, imo, in a state of incompleteness. you have things yet to fulfill, but you have no more time for it.

the doctor came out again for a new update - this time, something positive. "we successfully resuscitated him, we got his heart beating again." not all hope is lost yet. looking back and seeing how it resembles so much of a re-enactment of a typical, hackneyed hongkong drama scene - as the doctor comes out to inform the family of the news, everyone leaves their seats in an excited manner, hoping for good news, and with members crying and sighing - it reminded me that death is so real, despite it being a cliche in drama.

we had so many reminders - just yesterday. steve jobs. it's not an awful coincidence, really. it serves as a wake up call.

with my iphone the only entertainment tool to kill the long waiting times, i tweeted about stuffs that i thought people should know. i'm thankful for all the comforting messages in replies from my friends, really, and how he is sent prayers too. but i guess i'm just overwhelmed by how shitty this holidays have been, with this currently and obviously ranked no.1 of the ultimate shit that could have happened. it makes everything looks so superficial. makes all the things i want in life so, unnecessary. i shouldn't want too much. just be happy with what you have. period.

anyway, as he is sent back up to the medical intensive care unit, we received some more news. the fact that he has not been receiving oxygen/blood to his brain for more than an hour, he is not in a stable condition. and even if he regain consciousness, he might lose his memory. seeing him bedridden and with so many machinery right beside him, and him being bandaged and needled with foreign tools just makes it twice - scratch that, 10 times harder to bear with. i held back my tears long enough, as i see all four other members (including my dad, with his eyes closed) of my family tearing.

tragic.

it sucks not being able to show my final respects. i just don't know how to show love comfortably since young, but knowing that i've been brought up by both my parents, being sheltered and fed, sometimes even spoilt, i have owed my life to them. despite my father being abusive, a gambling addict, sometimes unreasonable, i have to say he is still the breadwinner of the family. what would i do without him? i don't wish to think...

my mother, not having eaten much today or slept well the night before, is going through more terrible circumstances. losing her husband is one, now being the only parent places double the responsibility. she's unreasonably putting the blame on herself, saying that if she could brought him to the hospital quicker (as he is already complaining about the pains before the collapse), it wouldn't have been so serious.

i hate to say this, but i do this all the time when i'm training. but sometimes you just can't predict what's gonna happen. if only i didn't go to bazgym in the first place, i wouldn't have the head scar to remember. if only i didn't try it again, i wouldn't have landed face first on the playground mats and graze my face. if only i didn't... if only. shit happens, face it. it sucks so terribly not being able to have things under your control.

my mum repeated that whole scenario to my aunts and uncles, to the doctors, to my father's friends (basketball friends since his jc times - and about 7 of them came. i wonder if i'm 50, the guys i trained and toiled with will still be there for each other? it's quite a heartwarming sight, actually). a lot of people come down, worrying, praying, and hoping for the best. blood ties are definitely strong. oh so strong.

i had to skip on the 100plus rehearsal for AMA for this after contemplation, and i guess it's for the better. in the final moments of his life i guess it's only right (and the very least of what i can do) to be by his side. money can wait, despite it being the importance right now. because i want to be independent. i don't want to take pocket money from parents anymore. i don't want to spend money unnecessarily. i want to earn money to support them. i hate the guilt that comes with living off them.

but focus on the matter at hand. fingers crossed, pray hard.

at the night i had the support from richie and jeremii, as we ate a tub of walls cookies and cream, and took random photos/videos. i guess that's what friends are for. i am fortunate to have them. and i really shouldn't be affected but anything else.

and for now, all i have to do is to give my mum support, and to stay strong.

thanks everyone.
and papa, please wake up.

<3

2011-10-07T22:46:00.002+08:00

wah so you're tired? i'm gonna tell you the shit i'm facing is ten times heavier than you. so i'm just gonna tell this: stop being such a selfish bitch. breaking a promise, telling lies, and still being so high in pride. it doesn't hurt, really, to lose some face to show care to someone whom you said is the only 'friend' you need. bullshit, bunch of bloody bullshit.

how do i face when asked: "what happened bro? you okay?" no, i shrug my shoulders. i brush it off saying i don't care anymore.

of course i pretend that i don't care, pretend that i'm fine off. it wears me out, but i have no choice to keep up with the pretense. only then, i'll get used to it. however, i'm still affected. and i hate that.

but i still don't even know why everything had to just fall. too fucking bad, i guess. life is just quite shit, sometimes. i can't do anything about it. boohoohoo.

still, is it that hard? can't believe you just can't pick the phone and type out some message of concern. so hard?

screw that. i don't need that. i have better friends and i rather channel my attention to them instead.

screw you, once and for all.
thanks for the moments, but you chose to leave it in the worst possible way... you win, again.

#stopitalreadycp

2011-10-07T03:45:00.001+08:00

It's official. Told the world that I'm single again. Came as a shock to some, while it serve only as a confirmation to the rest. But something tells me, despite how much more impact this relationship delivered to my life, I am able to get back up quicker than this previous one. All we need is some time and space.

Let it go once and for all, it will all be for the better. 18 years old already, time to wisen up. And stop being so lazy!

Last week of the holidays, damn! Time flies. Let's go full swing on productivity before school starts.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-10-04T00:50:00.002+08:00

i survived two days not having any form of interaction with you. thus i believe i can pull through. somehow, someway. sure it does affect me - let's face it, i won't be delusional. but, it'll be quicker than you know for me to get over with this.

seeing you so happy with your new companions, what better time to just end it once and for all, right? soon it'll be official, soon i'll be telling everyone i'm single. some will be shocked, some not so, who knows. when asked the reason why, i'll probably shrug and not know the answer too. then everything will start to take effect - the difference between being attached and single, and possibly i will see how much less i need to put up with. the pressure off my back: lesser self-hatred, lesser exposure to discomfort, lesser emotional outbreaks. one thing's for sure, though, i've learnt and grown.

true happiness comes from the inner self. intrinsically. i've been training like almost everyday. exercising, working out, sweating. i've gotten all the necessary camera stuffs for myself, gotta start heading out, filming quality stuffs. bought my maroon pants, the jgl slingbag, stuffs like that. new sem will open up with tuesday bboy sessions, maybe i'll get good in dancing, this time for real. i'm happy.

of course there's shit still happening, like how nokia's job happens just right after the holidays ended. timetable's not out yet. all that kind of stuffs, meh. why do i care? live in the moment.

one day, you'll be the one shocked with how much better off i am, without you.

2011-09-30T02:27:00.001+08:00

i figured, maybe i, too, have the doubts.

2011-09-27T02:10:00.002+08:00

lotsa shit happened this sem break and i really don't know what to expect.

orders from asos failing so badly
nokia job never seems to be concrete
body clock screwed up and over the top
procrastinating so badly, haven't done the scott-pilgrim-ish film i promised myself to do
body don't seem to be improving...

and of course, of course, relationship woes.

all these shit when school's about to attack in about 3 weeks.
can't believe it's almost october.

my birthday month. i don't know what to expect.
i stayed up till 9 in the morning last night because i couldn't sleep. not out of insomnia, i was dead tired from training, but i just couldn't put my mind to rest. the falling-out, the hurt, the blues.

in the shower i was adamant to make it happened: unfriend on facebook, unfollow on twitter, change password, and end all ties at once. "either your boyfriend, or not your friend at all," i texted. and i thought i was coping well.

of course i was first to apologise pathetically. once the fire extinguishes you'll feel that the subject of the argument is pointless (and invalid, says the internet). however, all these feelings stems from the fact of how the person you love with all your heart, suddenly don't love you all the same. doesn't it pains you? isn't that the worst nightmare come true? tell me about it.

i never thought of the prospect of breaking up. even though i tend to disagree a fair bit, i never let myself think of separating as a form of an escape, to freedom. because the happiness and positivity i feel when i'm with her outweighs the (rather insignificant, when seen in the bigger picture) troubles and flaws.

was i that difficult to not love anymore?
was it so easy to be willing to let me go?
the person you said that you couldn't live without... now you can go on a live your life without him.

sorry i made your force out promises that you are so pressured to keep. you said it wasn't about me. i feel worse not being able to do anything to salvage it.

maybe one day i'll turn my back and think, hey, maybe i'm better off without her. hey, maybe it was the decision to let go wasn't so regretful after all.

or,
i will never forget how the great relationship was left hanging, just like that.

time will tell.

2011-09-19T01:48:00.002+08:00

don't know about you but, remember that time, when i thought it was sure to be over when i added your classmate without even informing you because i thought she was pretty? and when you found out about it, you gave me hell. i tried defending myself out of my nature, but not long into the argument, i realize i erred. of course it's my fault. if it's for me, i'll feel the same. but i'm happy for the fact it had such a huge impact on you, that fact you're jealous when i get close to other girls, and the fact that you are afraid that you'll lose me for another.

after 7 long months i see the situation in a different light. the words we promises each other of 'forever'. you WERE okay with it. of course, of course, 'forever' is the word we use when we're still blindly in love. and the future, will be the future - unpredictable.

you said all about your insecurities, about how you want me to still love you despite all. you told me how you wanted to prove your mum wrong about first loves, and how she always say you quick to change your mind. and you told me how your friend mention about how insecurities in a relationship are only there because you scared of lose each other. and you said you'll love me no matter what too.

and you now say, it's okay if i fall for another. because you say you're afraid of 'forever'. you say you're just the kind that would stop talking to person when they get so close to you. even a person you'd consider special could be invasive of your personal space.

honestly, i'd rather face the bombardment of insecurities than to suddenly feel that the flame of our love is running out of oxygen.

i guess i can also be a pain in the ass to be with, but, really though, how much harder do you think it is for me to commit and adapt to the lifestyles of not just you, but your family. how much harder it is for me to wholeheartedly promise you that, despite laid down all my weaknesses and incapacity to provide for whatever would be just sufficient for the future, i'll work hard for the better security of both of us. how much harder it is for me to treat you like a princess and take all the mental headaches just for you to maintain your smile.

perhaps you don't realize the reason of why sometimes i strive so hard to impress you, to earn your compliment, or to just even be noticed by you, even when i know that i already have you. how sometimes i whine about feeling that tinge of jealousy and insecurity when you praise your favourite singer/celebrity knowing i probably can never match up to him. it's simply because i never want you to lose interest in me. never want you to think that there's someone else better. never want you to think that i'm not the perfect one.

i guess i've not done enough.

and i probably never will.

2011-08-19T01:37:00.002+08:00

Would you rather hear a person say: 'I dreamt of you last night' or: 'You were in my dream last night'?

Is 'Hey, you look good!' or 'Hey you're good-looking!" a nicer compliment?

Do you think it's better to be stingy with your compliments so that people know your compliment is hard-earned, or generous so people will happy with your praises?

Amazing how a slight shift in perspective can alter the meaning of things.

2011-08-16T02:55:00.003+08:00

My initial perceptions of a relationship was highly based on my inquisitive questioning of teenage mates and the media portrayal of how the typical couple behaves. How, in privacy, two persons enjoy fully the company of each other. How, in trust, two persons share from the deepest of secrets to the minutest of daily ramblings. How, in intimacy, two persons fulfill the very human desire of physical touch.

Of course that's television material and is oft flawed when we compare it to reality. But we wish our other half could replicate the characteristics and doings that are considered the norm of the boyfriend/girlfriend. To a certain extent, we can't escape what is expected of each gender. For instance, the male should appear to be chivalrous - opening doors, giving her walks home, being a butler of some sorts - it's an unspoken rule. The guys are also 'forced' to understand and tolerate of their partner's monthly hormonal tantrums. And let's not forgetting the heaviest of responsibilities: how, traditionally, the male must be capable enough to protect one's daughter, and consequently sustain a household.

It seems the society have placed so much focus on how females are the more emotional being; whereas the male reflects insignificant (or none, at all) emotion to even be taken into consideration.

The cause of breakups falls back to this main reason: The lack of commitment. Without full knowledge of the future (or the present), one can never be confident enough to commit. They failed to foresee the heavy responsibilities that lies ahead of them. Therefore, when the going gets tough, all things break loose.

6 months ago, I haven't the slightest clue of where I would have been now. Admittedly, in January I was deep in desperation to find a suitable partner to accomplish the three aforementioned things of what I'd consider a perfect relationship; the wishful kind where we label ourselves 'in a relationship' without having any strings attached.

Along the way in these 6 months, I've learnt when you fall in love with one person, you don't just fall in love with the person itself, but you're falling in love with how she nags at you whenever you're out for training, her insecurities of you having eyes on another girl, her awkward scar from a mole removal that she pulls off ever so well, her wondrous talents that leaves you doubtful of what your capabilities are, her family and lifestyle that differs massively from yours, her depressive tweets appearing in your timeline, her playful and childish nature that she reveals only to you. And despite all these, you'll continually give the effort the keep the fire burning knowing that you're not alone.

Loving never comes easy. Even the strongest of couples you see on the surface can end in a break up. Who would've known why?

It's either you love with all your might, or you don't love at all.

2011-07-22T00:22:00.003+08:00

i remember during my secondary school years (especially sec 1, worse year of the 4), where i use this blog to spam emo nemo stuffs. and thanks to twitter (or facebook, otherwise known as "retarded kidz who don't know what's twitter"), the use of blogs have diminished.

i can easily tweet all my depressive thoughts (i do, periodically), but i chose to type them all out in long long paragraphs (a distinct trait of my blogposts). why? because blogging just brings about this special release of pent-up emotions and thoughts that can be so refreshing. i hate the limit of 140 characters, and more so hate the amount of publicity i would get for each tweet. those who reads your blog are those who cares. twitter is getting faker by the minute.

but i don't have all the time in the world to blog. haizmaximumblux

anyway, a recent tweet (referenced from a tumblr post) was: "hate is easy, love takes courage" and honestly you have no idea how much truth it contains.

you know how the year 2010 passed me by as a foreveraloneboi93. i was seeking for love (more specifically, loving someone and being loved back). i wanted company. i wanted intimacy. i wanted shared happiness. so all i had in mind was all the positivity that comes along 'love'. yes of course it's positive, that's why humans yearn it. but we forgot how much sacrifices we make. sacrifices. and then you realize sometimes, how hard is it to love someone. and you know you only have yourself to blame.

take for example, loving someone = being 'loved' by back their family (okay not including the ancestors/relatives, but at least their family). i guess you don't know the amount of stress/panic/fear i face the first few times i met her mum. so much so that i felt the need the avoid and linger in my comfort zone (which screwed things up a little when her mum noticed it), until i realize that it is only this long i can hide from her because it's really just a matter of time. i still have to win the hearts of her parents/sibling, right? sure it ain't easy, but it also is sure that when one can't man up to face his girlfriend's parents, it won't speak good of him. how am i supposed to, especially when i (really) am serious in this relationship, prove that i'm worthy of being her boyfriend if i am to be timid and so uncomfortable with things like this?

well, that's only part 1. only the beginning. once meeting up with each other is accomplished, it's time to show your worth. so. what am i worth?

exactly. my mind is an awkward silence. seriously, what am i worth?
what kind of future will i be leading, will i have enough cash to support a household, am i good enough to make it to somewhere. why am i thinking so far off? wait let's rewind a little bit and say what am i worth NOW? yeah sure i do work from AMA (ashton's movement agency) so i earn a handy dandy amount of money with my spidermonkey-esque skills. sounds fancy, but we all know it's only a hobby. so yeah, i'm pursuing a diploma in fsv, aspiring director of photography/editor. what evidence do i have to back my talent of any sorts? meh, any average joe schmoe could possibly equal that. nothing too stunning.

and then i digress further into my thoughts, in comparison to HER (and her family):

she's musically inclined (piano, singing++). bilingually efficient (make that trilingual (or more)). from a reputable girls school (cedar's). good artistic skills. good theatrics skills. knowledgeable (perfect score for l1r5). intelligent. she has a happy, complete family (and relatives).

i have NO talent whatsoever in the realm of music. fucking fail in chinese, only average english. neighbourhood school. can't draw, can't speak, can't act. not all that clever. my family? you don't know how bad situation is with me and my dad/bro. my sis has quite a surfacial relationship, and i'm probably only close with my mum. and it's not ALL that close, y'know. don't need to talk about relatives.
it is pretty sad, it just goes to show how little i appreciate of things, despite how lucky i am to be borned and raised by my parents.

how different is that lifestyle compared to mine? and how difficult is it to make things work out this way? pressure, pressure.

and then i extend my weaknesses further.

i may be athletics, but that doesn't make me any better in sport games. i don't have a huge array of sports (only maybe soccer, which i am not all that good in), i can't play badminton/basketball/most recently frisbee for that matter. i'm not entertaining, i can't be a crowd- what am i saying... i can't even speak to people confidently. i hate to use the 'i'm awkward/shy' excuse but i just don't possess that ability to fluently and naturally speak to people (forever and ever. fuck lah don't need to go on any further). i'm not a comedian. i'm not satisfied with my looks either (i can go on an entire passage about this but i really should just keep it at there). i can't be of any help. i don't stand out.

and i'm not in any sense mature. too sensitive to be mature. i got affected by the littlest of things so easily (causing petty and minute troubles in the relationship that can, over time, be really tiring). the people i train with are forever poking fun in the deepest of insecurities/giving harsh insults and all that and i can't do anything but smile/laugh it off, shielding the internal impulse to retort emotionally back. you know how people works, once you show how sensitive you are - you'll be judged/labelled as one. and it becomes another repetitive cycle. surprised? even the people you would deem who know you best, can be the greatest judgmental people who, at times, pisses you off to no end, but you know there's nothing much you can do to solve it. don't you hate it when a person have no particular point when you try to offend/critique, while you are full of flaws to pick on? life is unfair. it never is, anyway.

and i can't handle to role of a leader. too afraid, too weak, too uncommitted. maybe i've couldve gotten the scholarship had i not be so half-hearted in my cca. and i didn't learn. i quitted NRA giving myself excuses such as not enough time/too expensive (WHEN IT IS REALLY JUST ME BEING TOO LAZY TO COMMIT). rockclimbing also so sian. only having cca points in my head as it's motivation (ever since i didn't have any during the course of my secondary school education). probably the only reasonable takeaway from all these if i've devoted more time into training. and if not for that 'extra time' i get away from ccas, i might not be as good as i am now.

WHAT AM I TALKING. i just suck at time management. and commitment. and i still am 'not as good as i can be now'.

when will i ever learn?

i'm pretty sure you can feel the progressive rage in each word right now.
cause i'm upset with myself, honestly.

i am just saying, sometimes being in a relationships makes you realise the worst in you. you'll be surrounded by tall walls of insecurities. maybe it's just me, but i really don't feel good. but i appreciate that fact that i am still somehow in her mum's good books. i just think if i'm like, ernest or felix (random example core), probably i'll end up somewhere higher. and what i appreciate the most is despite all my shortcomings and my immaturity, she's still willing to be there for me.

...
...
...

only i can pull myself up.
so hopefully this two posts is enough to release all the suppressed emotions inside of me that i've been wanting to empty.

goddammit cp, work on it please.

2011-07-20T23:24:00.002+08:00

it's not really a good day today,
or a good week.

it seems like no one would've noticed, not even my girlfriend, but somehow, i feel life just isn't working out the way it should. well, i never actually felt it was working out greatly, but today everything culminated in the ugliest fashion possible. not that there was anything significant that stopped me right in my tracks causing me to break down, but how the overwhelming thoughts in my head brimmed and i just needed them to be poured out, in some way or other.

and i chose to type them all out.

it's really okay if nobody reads this, as long as it gets written, it just soothes me. and that's all i need.

school's first, and foremost.
today (thursday) is probably the last 'break' day before the killer weekend. and yes, the timing of the shoot might overshot till 2am/3am. for two days straight (thank god for those cancelled lessons on monday). for someone so inexperienced, so useless, so incapable of any help, i feel like it makes not much of a difference having me in the set, or the group. it's not that i don't want to help, but judging by my quality, a freshie could easily do better. i feel like it defeats the purpose being in this course for 1 year and running but not actually being enthusiastic to do shoots, not fully utilising my $2k-worth of dslr to create quality films (not just the kind a hobbyist would do - compiling scrap footage with fanciful effects through the use of a non-linear editing program - that, any secondary school media student can replicate). i shall stop repeating how i should step up into a whole new level. but really, after reviewing the tapes for docpro, just look at how amateur my shots are! so unplanned, so shaky (as if the cameraman's hands on spasm), so... boring, to say the least. depressing.

and that is just about how i film. i don't know squat about lighting even up to now (extremely sad to say) and handling the camera equipment well enough. i would suck hard in directing. then i still would have to critique my arguably best strength - the editing role. i'm sticking so narrow-mindedly to sony vegas, like it would be so difficult to break out of the shell and add more editing software in to my arsenal of post-production savvy-ness. i can't handle after effects for nuts. and you know that i have to be editing on a fcp for school videos, but i never gotten myself to use them right! goddamnit.

i have to mention that it's not exactly just the hardcore filming schedule for this upcoming weekend that irks me so bad. it's how the loft stayover for op juvi clashes so timely with this. and it's just fucking horrible when you know school's work come first and it being a group project (and a 5.0 CU module, which i HAVE to get an A), i ought to prioritise my shoot. and i had to misread the dates of the loft stayover to be last week. could it be any much more of a downer?

i am pretty much on schedule with my assignment except for the script, which i have to work on soonest. and then there is: brushing up the write-up for discussion board, producing portfolio, visefx group assignment and 4 tests to study (camlight, scriptwriting, visefx and media law). and not forgetting the much dreaded (albeit fun, admittedly) music video edit after all the hardcore filming. idea blueprint will all be done tomorrow! i hope for a pass for merit.

i really can't wait for this entire sem to pass. year 2 is no joke, trust me. not always fun and fucking games. come holidays, my main priority is to train. and work (which is covered, read on!)

so, it has been a year since i tried corkscrew. and last year i believe i got it down last year... that motion somewhat. but a year later and it seems i'm progressing backwards. omg i swear to you this progression rate is the slowest of any individual i can ever imagine of. nothing beats the demoralisation of knowing that you've tried SO HARD, SO MANY TIMES, FOR SO LONG yet unable to even grasp the basis of the technique. argh you don't know how many strands of hair i've pulled due to this crap. i feel so disappointed in myself, being so fearful, weak, and slow. as much as this passion of mine is the so-called 'talent' that differs me from others, i swear i'm not even half as good as i should be. for a person of nearing 4 1/2 years of training, the level i'm at is less than satisfiable. well of course i'm happy to be able to do this/that, but hey, time to level up.

i swear i must get it down by this month. i really need to progress. i really really need to. i just hate how easily my muscle memory gets affected in training. and sometimes my form just gets all screwy like even the most basic of frontflip (that i've worked 3 years+ already dammit). honestly just thinking of how lowly-controlled my flips really demoralise to no end. wow i hate this shit, no joke!

argh and i should make a progression video SOONEST. after all this school shit, wasting my fucking life. this holiday must progress like mad cow, or else i'll head into sem 2.2 feeling so damned unsatisfied.

rantrantrant
rantrantrant

and i thought in these two so-called 'talents' of mine, i would be more of an expert in them. hey, as cynical as i can be, i'm still so far from any of my targets i've mentally set myself up to hit. so i have a reason.

i'm not quite done yet.
seeya tomorrow if it calls.

2011-05-29T21:55:00.005+08:00

What is love?
No, not Haddaway's song, but the question.

For a person who lacks love of all forms since (a rather deprived) childhood, I can't say much. Still, love is opinionated. So here's my (rather cynical) take on it:

Of course, it's special. The first time your eyes meet with hers, the first time you talk to her, the first time you hang out with her; it's special. You start throwing teases at her, ask about her, share everything with her. As the calendar gets thinner, your love for her grows stronger. And when you finally feel that the love is mutual, you start to feel really, really happy. Amidst your messed-up life, someone so angelic appears and offers magic to your soul. She's everything to you: She's the first one you text and the last everyday, she's the only person in your mind, she's the most beautiful woman in your eyes. During the honeymoon period, close-contact grows more intimate everyday - being able to affectionately display how much you love her liberally is something that I would argue to be the nicest thing on Earth. The moment you part, you started missing the feeling of warmth from her every touch, the heavenly sounding voice of hers, and the aromatic scent that you just find ever so pleasant. Everything just sails so smoothly, just like in a perfect world: we all go home in happy faces, all day everyday.

When you love someone, you start caring about that someone. And when you start to care, emotions starts to get involved in the roller-coaster ride. You worry about her safety, you start doing your best to make sure she's happy, you give in your all to make sure she feel secure/protected, physically and emotionally. You start trying really hard, so to speak. You want reassurance, you want to reminded that you are all to her. You start to have expectations, and in turn, you start to face disappointments. Everything happens so quickly. Not long later, it dawns on you - the honeymoon period is over. Once the spell loses its enchantment, we are brought back down to earth again: no more happy faces, loss of hours of sleep at night, neverending waterworks... nothing seems to be steering at the right direction.

Just when we thought we established a sturdy foundation in the beginning months, now a simple rocking of the building could initiate the collapse of it all. It was only then when you start realizing a lot - how weak and fragile this relationship actually is, how is the 'ugly side' of your other half like, and most importantly, how big and important a role she plays in your life.

You then question yourself if all these hardship is worth. There are moments you feel like just throwing that huge baggage of your shoulders and end it all for once, but your mind drifts off to recall the happy times once again. Every single thing we did, every single thing we said, every single place we went... memories replaying through your head. On repeat. An endless loop.

So... does the negativity outweighs the positivity? Does it? Or maybe you should think about it in another angle, e.g. 'What is a pinch of heartache compared to a possible lifelong happiness?'

Somewhere in your heart, you know, the other party didn't mean it. You know, maybe it was just a rough day. You know, you just know, that everything will be okay.

It's scary, sometimes, even pressurizing. Funny how love works that way...

We often don't realise it. We don't pay attention to it. We are blinded by the pain/sadness/anger/disappointment, that we don't see the other side of the coin. It is when we simmer down and take a step back to see the wider picture, can we understand this:

I can't afford to lose you, because you are the world to me.

Ergo the insecurities.

We try really hard, sometimes unnecessarily, to win the hearts of our loved ones. You want to be the very best in her eyes. You will easily feel incapable in all aspects, especially when you know she got it all and you have none. You feel lousy, you feel ugly, you feel incompetent. It's helpless; as much as you convince yourself otherwise, it keeps coming back and haunts you. You start to worry a little, whenever a text message takes a little too long to be replied. You start to worry a little, whenever you feel like you are no longer the center of her attention. You start to worry a little, whenever you feel the shift in the relationship's equilibrium.

And it's not your fault that you feel that way.
It's just the way the heart works when you love a person that much and you want her selfishly for yourself. (It has to be mutual, though.)

It's like everything else in life.
Nothing ever comes easy.
What makes you think Love would be any different?

Here we take another step back, and embrace all these little insecurities and notice it's specialness. And maybe when the time is right, you'll feel a little less insecure and know that she's still going to be by your side.

By your side, forever.

I love you, my dearest. <3

2011-04-29T23:40:00.002+08:00

so where do i start.

hmmm.

i'll tell you (whoever... that actually cares about this blog) a secret.

i think if there's actually a choice to choose which gender you want to be... i'd pick a girl.

okay maybe no, because then i'd probably not have the chance to enjoy parkour to the fullest, or the anatomical differences of needing to torment monthly cycle of menstruation/and worse - pregnancy... i think the pluses outweighs the negativity for the female gender... (you can never get good things all the time anw)

well, you know, in the streets, those people that receives alot of stares? they are usually chiobus. in other words, girls... its a recognizable fact that the female gender are more attractive gender. it's the female models that receives all the glamour and fashionista shiz while the guys are rather boring to look at. or maybe i won't know cause i'm not a girl, but hey most girls i know all stares at girls too and always go jealous over their looks. and c'mon, even average looking girls can attractive quite a hefty amount of guys wanting to know you more and all. it's so hard for a guy to attract girls. simply put, girls can look pretty easier than how guys can look handsome.

i want to look good.

no one can ever be satisfied with their looks, right? it's an amazing feeling, sometimes, when you find out about how find you cute/attractive/goodlooking, or catches someone staring at you, knowing that you are an eyecandy of somebody. and girls get all of those. normality is the guys making the first step. doesn't that feel good? being chased, being fought over by guys to win your heart? and receive chocolates/flowers/loveydovey gifts. being called beautiful and all that. countless of examples, but to sum it up - guys giving all the love, girls receiving all the love. damn it, it's almost like its hardwired into the system in how respective genders behave this way.

two things, what is the male equivalent of beautiful, or a simple gift like flowers?
and what defines 'sweet' for the things females does for males?
answers? what a brain-wreck.

how do i beat the system anyway. i musn't have expectations, let alone something that is too much to expect for.

but fuck looks. something so simple can disrupt one's life chaotically. society causes so much rather subconscious harm, eh? suck it up, suck it up...

then i don't know why i'm doing with my life too nowadays. i survived week 2. 5 days of lessons and of travelling to and fro school is so burdensome. classmates are not exactly the best people to spend a full 16 weeks together too. wow, what a sadistic game life is playing on me. i see myself sticking to two other guys all the time, and whenever it's time to escape, and when opportunity presents, i'll find my love. i don't really care if i'm too sticky or if people forms an impression of me being ever-so-clingy. what matters most is me being happy. i'm sick of putting up a false front, all these pretence can exhaust one so terribly, so why tire myself unreasonably? when i have things of greater importance to take care of.

oh and fuck cca points. it's one arduous climb in poly year 2 now. i'm tired of socialising, i'm still holding back, so much. i wonder whatever restrains me sometimes. i feel, so socially inept, despite of what i've been through the year start. hey, cut me some slack considering i'm in year 2 now so the amount of stress have being doubled (especially when i HAVE to do well this sem). with that said, i must really work on ridding this habit of procrastination (and impunctuality) if i were to even think of accomplishing my goals of an final cgpa of >3.5. and hopefully, an extensive and professional portfolio that i can be dignified to present.

and i'm not training much either. i'm not getting stronger, and if this continues, i'll grow weaker. i haven't been keeping an eye on my diet, haven't been working out. not improving. and the rage in me keeps accumulating... accumulating... and accumulating. the weather NEVER helps, and i'm remotely pissed off by it. that's what happens when you don't cherish your holidays enough...

don't get me started on money.
all the same topics week in week out. fuck.

lastly,

so i was right about myself about not being able to share everything together (reason why i blogged here). inevitably it will cause hurt. and i rather it to be one sided, and tolerate it by myself, and in time getting over it. i let my mouth slipped, and this ends the 2 weeks streak... of not quarreling. it's difficult really, facing something with an open mind in a relationship, but as much as i want to label that as an excuse, i really should stop with the expectations/complaints. it's so irritating, how i can never be satisfied, when perfection never came as close...

it's like it's bound to happen... and i hate it when i vision it to happen.
/sleepitoff
/andtomorroworaweeklater,i'drealiseeverythingisjustaminorissueagain.

P.S: random, but source code is the latest movie that entered my good books!

2011-04-19T23:22:00.005+08:00

i don't really like the first week of school. :(
sucky classmates, no longer the same class with a couple of close ones. but no point, really. let's just get on with it. let's work on that 3.5 gpa. let's do it.
and yeah, good friends doesnt necessarily mean good working partners. i dont feel like putting an effort with you now. i just don't. i'm not gonna enjoy school now, but hey i still have other areas where i can find my own happiness in.

so in this few weeks, i've been through alot, learnt alot, and realise alot.
i can still remember what she said to me about the "we shouldn't share everything together if it's something minor" thingy. i get it now. it's true, it's better if we don't always voice out the minute things that one find affecting them, cause it only slowly worsen the condition of the relationship. we just don't realise it, but it apparently does. it's not rare to feel easily affected by her actions/words, cause you know, it weighs x10 heavier compared to someone else's actions/words. but i guess you needa get used to it. i never liked feeling jealous, as a boyfriend it's normal for me to hope that i'm not just any other guy. and when you don't feel special enough, you'd feel that you're not enough. but of course, let's not care too much about it, because afterall, it's all really petty. anyway, i felt alot better about things this week already. and of course it's great!

i hate myself for being so direct at times, it's not like it's something that you should be proud of. OH WOW YOU DARE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! pffft no need for the ego. sometimes it's never good to be honest. honesty is not always the best policy. it's all about knowing about the situation and knowing when it's best to not say to truth. and when things needs to be kept in because it's for the better, then it should.

people say differences draws people together but it's not necessarily true. it's like, there's so many differences and it's evident to both. and when that happens, disagreements could occur. you know sometimes, thoughts of not being able to understand/know each other well enough can be haunting. but, i guess it's how we work with our differences. and in due time, we will learn how to deal with it.

it's been a sad case for me you know. living in this househould for nearly 18 years already, yet the closest people to me whom i can be myself truly and fully with, it's not exactly them. yeah we do know each other, but not till that extent of really good friends, you know? no heart to hear talks, no one exactly knows each other that well. we have our own worlds. we don't have family dinner, we hardly ever go to grandparents/cousins house together, thus we don't have good connections. we've been through painful events that separates us further, and i have a brother whom i don't even talk to at all anymore. conversations are hardly ever substantial. it's so awkward every mother's/father's day/their birthdays, because i'm never used to expressing love for my family, even though i'm grateful for everything they have done/being understanding of what i'm doing/bringing me up. you see, it's different. but i don't blame them. and i don't feel exactly 'sad'. every family has their own background, and no one's family is exactly 'the best'... but i would say, i guess i am relatively happy with how things are now, soooo... yeah.

hey, i'm not too wise at my age now. i hate to realise things so late, but at least i'm making a progress. slow or fast, it shouldn't matter. right?

i'm happy week 1 was over and done with really quickly, and i'm still in the holiday mood. fuck this. 3.5 gpa. no more slacking/procrastination. i really should do something more productive. considering the fact there'll hardly be much time to train during weekdays... i can still be productive by... at least watching movies in my spare time instead of just wasting it away. i watch damn little movies for a film students, freaking seriousssssssssss -_-

week 2, please be better.
and, cp, do what you should.

2011-04-07T00:27:00.002+08:00

GOALS THAT I'M SETTING MYSELF THIS COMING SEMESTER.

- JUST GO FOR ANY EVENT THAT GIVES CCA POINTS. CHIONG CCA POINTS! DONT BE LAZY
- GET >3.5GPA I DON'T CARE. BETTER STUDY YOUR TEST, PAY ATTENTION, PUT FULL EFFORT IN EACH ASSIGNMENTS, NO LAST MINUTE WORK, DO YOUR PART IN GROUP PROJECTS.
- MAKE MORE SHORT FILMS/MUSIC VIDEOS WITH YOUR NEW 550D! GODDAMMIT.
- CCAPOINTS MEANS GETTING BACK INTO A CCA. GO FOR COMPETITIONS. YOU'LL NEED IT.
- PRACTICE AFTER EFFECTS! PRACTICE FINAL CUT PRO! PRACTICE PHOTOSHOP!
- GO OUT FOR PHOTOSHOOTS/TIMELAPSE.
- SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHILE BALANCING TRAINING AND SCHOOLWORK. AND LOVE HER.
- THIS MEANS NO MORE BLOODY TIMEWASTING ON YOUR MACBOOK. BE PRODUCTIVE YOU IDIOT!
- LONDON PLANNING/BOOKING OF TICKETS NO MORE FUCKING LATE BOOKING/PLANNING!
- BE A NICE, FRIENDLY PERSON! ARGHHHHHHH.
- DON'T SPEND MONEY UNNECESSARY.

IN TERMS OF TRAINING:
- MORE FOCUS/RISK CALCULATION/MINIMIZE INJURIES/BAILS.
- JUST CONTINUE DRILLING YOUR TWISTS. YOU'LL GET THEM SOON. CORKSCREW, BACKFULL, SIDEFULL, RUDI BY END OF YEAR I DONT CARE YOU MUST GET THEM.
- PRACTICE ROUNDOFF FOR LOADS OF HEIGHT (LAYOUT FLASHKICK HOPEFULLY TWIST!)
- NEATEN UP BACKHANDSPRINGS.
- BEING ABLE TO CONTROL LARGE RUNNING PRECISIONS.
- HIGHER VERTICAL JUMP.
- FUCKING ONE ARMED CHIN UP!!!!!!!!!!
- HANDSTANDS. HANDWALKING. VARIATIONS!
- PUNGGOLSDC2LP BEFORE LONDON JUSTTTTTT.

enough of the caps.
i just feel that i left so many tasks unaccomplished this holidays, and what the hell i'm left with a week before sem 2 starts. i'm not ready, bitch, and fuck did my unexpected injury happen in such right timing. i still wanna train! this is probably gonna keep me out for like, a week+ and damn it i have no mood to work this holidays so i'm really wasting loads of time. i feel so useless now. i can't tolerate physical inactivity for long. damn it lah, i really need to do something useful and make something happen. i doubt i made any progress this holidays. insignificant progression, if any. fuck i'm not ready for the monotonous cycle of school again. -_-

i shall work on clearing the movies on my harddisk when i really have nothing to do. -_-

damn it.
this is gonna require loads of commitment. but let's be prepared for it. cp, don't let yourself down again.

2011-04-06T01:11:00.002+08:00

worst bail of my 4 years+ of training? probably.
i can still recall that lache gainer bail in school, cause of that bail? releasing my grip too early.
and just 3 hours back, i bailed a DOUBLE lache gainer, reason why? releasing my grip way too late.

it's so freaking scary, how do i ever get rid of that mental barrier now. fucking hell.

what's more, i landed a really nice one before zack asked me to do it again to get it on tape. not a single risk calculation. all i was aiming for was height, thus release high up, and tuck tight. the scenario of me not going forward and possibly heading my head that not ever crossed my mind. i then realise, that's because i'm in a gym. gym = safe. i'm doing it to foam pit. what is the worst that could happen?

damn it lah, i hate the feeling where you feel so hopeless, like 'holy shit what just happened, omg blood, omg pain, omg please don't tell me i'm going to the hospital...' i was semi conscious till i stood up and out of the gym. and upon impact, i kinda blacked out for like 3 to 5 seconds. it was bloody scary. thank god there were people around to help me out.

and i should consider myself lucky. couldve been worse if i gone higher up and landed on my neck. then its over. like seriously.

it was nice really, to see everyone questioning me of my state and wishing me a speedy recover. but i felt i disappointed alot of people. especially my parents. i'm terribly sorry. and i know i'm such a wuss, a simple sorry and thankyou proved to be so difficult to even mumble. i feel damn guilty spending their money unnecessarily. yeah i agree, i don't think i am very close with my family (esp my father), but i really feel damn blessed now. i just don't know how to show them my love. it's just, not right. thank you mum, dad, and sis. sorry for the trouble that i brought along.

i should've been more careful. what if it was something worse, and i was actually in comatose. and just leave the world like that. and hurt the one that love me most. no way can i afford to do that! but of course, i'm stronger than this. i'll be back to fine form in a weeks time.

this is not the first time though. gosh i hate getting myself into injuries, and scaring the whole lot of friend i consider close. getting stitched is unbearably painful. argh and the expenses... oh so unnecessary. damn, i hate myself for all these. i shall never, ever try that double lache gainer ever again. need to find a way pass this revived mental block. i'm sorry to people whom i caused worry to. :(

it was so stupid.

i got away rather unscathed. it couldve been alot worse. what mattered the most is i'm now safe and sound. just need loads of rest. and love <3 :)

anyway... the bail footage is on my denester1 channel. + the twitpic. just something for me to learn from and bear in mind...

2011-04-05T00:15:00.002+08:00

so me and wenkai were talking, and we then realize in pksg everyone has talent. outside of parkour. what a realization, and amazingly he was right. we analyze everyone one by one, they have multiple fields that they are skilled in. some of them are good in drawing, designing, certain other sports (badminton, soccer, cycling), gaming, etc. as retarded as everyone here might be, they are capable of many. which reminds me... what have i been doing with my soon-to-be eighteen years of life? i have very little things i'm actually even considered 'good' in.

i've wasted the whole of my primary school. what did i do? sure, i had the best fun of my life, the small little things i've appreciated - pepsi cola everytime during recess/before school starts, playing that eraser game, spinning erasers, etc. no doubt it was fun. but hey, i thought the time during that period could've been put into better use.

why didn't i start everything from young? namely, inability to use a simple CHINESE cutlery - chopsticks. no guts to cycle. never thought of wanting to try out skating. unwilling to learn how to swim. not putting any effort to study chinese. father even offered to get me to learn some musical instrument, but no i was too lazy. failing in so many aspects.

luckily i ticked out the first three already. at least in secondary school i've put much more effort to improve myself. to kick myself out of that 'loser' zone. one of which was parkour, which undoubtedly improve my whole being altogether. i wonder what i'll be without it. wouldn't be me anymore. you do know that, it doesnt matter how long it takes me to find out about parkour, but i know somehow or rather i'll definitely take interest and try out this supposed 'sport' in some stage of my life. i just feel that way.

and luckily i have filming as a back up. all i know is, all these needs alot of development so at least it is a recognised talent of mine. yes that's right. let's not just develop ideas, but transform them into something real. hardwork pays off, you know it.

i still need to learn how to swim. definitely. and more.

btw i just watched pursuit of happyness. what a good movie, didn't disappoint at all. it sucks how the world works so hard from young till death for one reason and one reason only - money. so screwed up. what a waste of a life. but let's deal with it. and appreciate what we've got. i know it is so damned cliched but hey, look at what chris and his son had to deal with. so much, for so little. what a sad story, yet what an impactful ending.

2011-03-31T00:46:00.002+08:00

i kinda love my new haircut. well it looks alot tidy now, less conspicuous bald spots and no longer a messy vcut at the back. all these for free, it's really worth the time travelling from home to bugis! fuck yeah. can't wait for my hair to grow and grow... and finally i'll sport a goodlooking hairstyle and feel better about myself.

and btw my recent buys - including the two jeans from bugis street - is proving to be a real favourite! i love my red top, the red beanie and especially the red high cuts omg. i am damn happy. i know i'm spending damn hardcore, but at least it is something i am happy to possess, right?

you know what matters the most? is not about how many people finding you attractive or what. it's about being able to see oneself as goodlooking. because when you're happy with how you look, it's all that matters really. people's opinions can't change it.

the problem is, i'm not happy with my look.
but it is slowly improving! braces! better hair! hopefully more height. and i should be satisfied.

anyway. maybe i should really get down on working to cover up my debts from over-indulging during this holidays.

2011-03-29T03:14:00.002+08:00

oh you think you know, you don't know~

TDCC is epic, seriously. i hardly ever get hooked onto bands but they have done the impossible. HAHA.

soooooooo i finally got my red high cuts! yummy, i finally can rock the dancers look. i should seriously get some footwork/tutting/wave/isolation basics down then at least i can act act abit yo. but i'm too lazy to learn. and i got my grey jeans that i've been eyeing for since forever. what's left? checkered bag, blue checkered shirt, 3/4 jeans. red shirts to match my red highcuts. (love matching outfits! so dancer-ish!) you'll never be fully satisfied with whatever you have, no? i still have kl trip, my own skates, etc. etc. to save up for and i'm not working, yet i'm spending on the average like $15/day. hardcore guilty. just make sure i dont touch my $5000 cause i'm going london this year still.

i think i need to work (ALOT) on my movie endurance. because i've been storing up gigabytes of harddisk space of movies and i've never tick them off my list for the longest time. what the hell is this. and whenever i attempt to watch them, i drift off and never fully complete watching them. worse still is watching movies in cinemas. i hate it when the seats too comfy and you drift off momentarily to wonderland. what an annoyance. and you lost track of whenever the movie is and it's over for you.

mehhh. i wonder what IS should i take. should i stick to something i feel comfortable, or try out something new and work extra hard to attain the A grade. i seriously wonder. my normal modules are tough as balls already. argh i hope i don't stress out too much. i need to kick the lastminute habit because lastminute work doesn't always mean good work. complacency is so irritating.

oh well. cp, you have alot of things to improve on, so i'm pretty sure you know what to do about it.

bazgym in 16hours i hope i don't pay $15 just to not gain anything out of it. fuck, spend money again. this sem is tough and i can't afford to work. hais, i wonder how am i gonna get out of this heavy debt i'm putting myself in.

2011-03-28T02:30:00.001+08:00

Now that I know how bad my studies are, I worry damn badly about my future. I wonder if I can actually waged a good income for myself (and for my family etc blahblah). I know the media industry is damn hardcore and low profiting, and judging my skills in filming, I have not been practicing at all. Even if I considering myself a decent video editor, I have no aptitude in special effects and detailed frame-by-frame work with After Effects. I am interested in them though but it is just too tedious for me to work my lazy ass off to comprehend them. And my ideas in short films are so damn limited. So far most of my videos are actually compilations of my movements. Seriously doubt I can pull this off. That's why I really need to learn. I got my VDSLR now. I have to go out there and experiment, work my ass off, study. And maybe one day I'll get to somewhere with this. Let's put in some effort..

Thankfully though, I have a backup. My main forte - Parkour/Freerunning, probably can get me somewhere. It is the only activity that I find myself really involved in, I don't really care about anything else but just training as and when I can and I can't stop moving. My lifelong dream - To travel around and train at their hotspots. But for that to happen I need to make money out of it. To make a living out of it. It might be against it's principles but hey, look at the big names. Ryan Doyle, Daniel Ilabaca. Maybe I might not hit the standard as high as they had, but honestly speaking, it is possible to get make this a career. At least as a handy backup. That's why I really hope Ashton can help me make this dream a reality. Takes so much more business skills then I originally thought it would. We need more exposure, and hopefully, higher paying performances, like seriously. We cannot be kept being taken advantage of.

Still, my main objective is to just train. Train really hard. Because that's what makes me, me.

2011-03-26T00:35:00.002+08:00

So results day today!
Wow. So exciting. But I really did DAMN BADLY and I'm deeply disappointed. I have to work hard for the next coming 4 semesters (which are probably way tougher), and pull up GPA up to the average of >3.5. Really need to score high, I don't want any regrets in the future.

Comgra screwed me up damn badly. Too late to regret though. Who asked me to be so nonchalant and lazy towards schoolwork. Priorities all messed up and the later part of the semester. Expected and wanted an A for ITF and Photog but both, sadly, only gotten a B. Most of my friends got A for Stupro. Must be the fact that I screwed up abit and didn't study for the written test. Audio was expected, C. Wasn't so bad considering the toughness of it. And thanks to my group members I got myself a B+ for IS.

Knowing that the previous sem was a 2.97GPA why didn't I have the motivation to score better. Overly complacent, CP. Forever the case. I feel like I ain't the caliber of a DPA student no more, during the O's levels I was way more hardworking than this. I guess there's always I need to balance studies and training, and even work (though I shall be slacking) and now a newly factor - relationship. So CP, please don't pull off the same mistake again, Sem 2.1 better be good. A high high GPA please.

Push yourself, you need to do your best in EVERYTHING.

Just like in PK. Trace Jam Day 2 starts tomorrow, and I'm all out to push myself to a higher level. Really good progression in terms of leg strength and flips (not twists). Surprisingly being able to land 3 fronts in the row. I shall push push push even more. You will not understand the euphoria once I've gotten twists into my system. Can't wait.

2011-03-19T23:11:00.000+08:00

So, umm, apart from the fact I love listening to music, I don't know a shit else about music. To me I listen more towards the rhythm/beats of the song, or the meaningfulness or creativity of the lyrics, but not how the voice of the singer sounds like. Maybe that's why I can't judge how well a person sing. People like JianHao, Zahid and a few others also said KXY ain't so good a singer. To me if it's nice-sounding then I think he/she's good already. Whatever.

It's not that I don't appreciate music, I just have not enough interest in them to actually put effort into learning about it. But just looking around now I see so many people interested in jamming sessions, it's probably like 8 out of 10 people probably knows something about guitar/piano/singing. And I feel so left out. I don't feel like I have talent in any field of music, anyway.

Then again, of course I did thought of learning about them. But I think it is stupid to force an interest. If you don't like it and you learn it just to fit in, what's the freaking point. To me drums are probably the only instrument enjoyable learning to me, but still it is not something I will go out there and really learn. Because I'm lazy, or just not interested enough.

It kinda sucks though.

I think I'm trying too hard.

2011-03-11T01:32:00.002+08:00

hello 'readers'.

so apparently i'm spammed with thoughts from today's endeavour. so i shall list them down instead of flooding twitter.

hmmm yeah so it's technically day 4. tomorrow i will wake up and head to bishan and train. and after that i'll meet her already. that's fast actually. i guess the painfulness comes in the initial stage where you can't believe you won't be seeing her for the next few days. but come day 2, she occupies your mind less, and day 3 you'll be already accepting the fact, and is being used to it. so to me 4 days ain't thattttttt hard. i wanna try 15 days hahahahahaha. i still think london 2011 is on. and oh a bangkok trip end of this march? i wonder how things will work out, everyone are bloody procrastinating bastards that just drop in an idea and let it lie around just waiting for something to be done. sometimes i don't know how a person can be so hardworking, because you knowing me as the sloth i always am, it takes a painstaking amount of energy to actually work on things. DAMN DAMN lazy. but i must change that. and i still wanna go aussie end of this year. that calls for SO MUCH MORE MONEY. ARGH

talking about money. i'm gonna be spending like 1.8k (or less) getting my new dslr + lenses tomorrow. canon 550d should be the one. i shall make sure i'll use it to the fullest. i hope i don't regret a shit, been asking around and researching. it's $999 for its body. it's the cheapest and worthiest compared to the others. and i shall stick to this and really make good videos, and experiment the fuck out of it. cp needs to stick to his filmmaking ambitions. wtf is he doing now? no signs of any progress. hv30 is tooooo inconvenient, there's always a need for change. what should i do with that camcorder now? argh it's still a birthday present.

and the vans red high cut shoe. i don't know really. seems hard to find out suiting pair. what's more i wonder if i can pull off the look. i need a 3/4 pants too. when it comes to spending money i always will have this tinge of regret. i don't know why but i think it is somehow good cause it goes to show you didn't buy it out of impulse. and my hair. i want to laugh sia. zzzzzz

i'm waiting for the day i finally grow. like wtf man how long has it been already. since sec 2, or maybe even p6, people have been telling me you'll still have chance to grow. damn it i want 170cm. i don't believe this is late puberty. i need to re-start stretching everyday before sleeping again. damn thanks to my laziness (and since i stopped gym) i've started to stop my habit of stretching before you sleep. DAMN IT. but drinking a glass of milk for breakfast and sleep, still didn't get me anywhere. and ezcema going away with age? fuckoff. you'll know what will solve all these? getting an appointment with a proper doctor that will tell me the truth about my body. i'm getting sick of false hopes. all kinds of false hopes.

let's face it honestly, one can tell if oneself is ugly or not. and i know my answer. i want braces. yes i am low with confidence. and apparently not just in self-esteem, but with twisting and being able to speak well towards/in front of people (or just generally public speaking) what's with stammering being interviewed by a FRIEND over a topic that i should be well-versed in, and during class presentations? i kinda feel damn sucky. i need to improve in so many things. like seriously.

so pool and bowling outing with the ba kids. damn do i suck in both as well. yet another two areas to work on. especially on the latter. bowling is bloody fun, but it sucks to know that you can't score an average of 100. and pool, what is with my accuracy. i need more practice. am i taking things a little too seriously? not really, i guess. i still had alot of fun today, and i wanna learn how to play pool and bowling properly. what else on my list? being able to swim well (and fucking tread water), and the basics of dance from nra (lost it already! the wave, isolation, and that sharpness in movements), being able to skate well (without fucking falling all the time, and turning with confidence). that's another two things in my list - a better bike, a personal rollerskate (HINTHINT CAMERA DOLLY OH YEAH). oh of course topping the list - to BE ABLE TO TWISTTT ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. mardafarka.

guess what i have from tomorrow onwards?
training at bishan and meeting her later at night!
sat - uss with my dardar hehehehe
sun - shoot with ama (and prob training earlier)
mon - meeting ky and kk at night!
tues - dpa and cul outing to sentosa!
wed - meeting up with kris and jiayi
thurs - nothing on yet, probably going out with dardarrrr hahaha K
fri - joel's 18th
sat - i'm expecting a pk jam?

and what happens the week after? back to hardcore work. 4 weeks to catch up on my money spent. aiming to get at least $300 (or as much as possible) for march and just under $500 for april. i'm very lazy to work though... but i have to. everyone is leaving rws and i'm gonna be solo-ing. maybe i should find something different for a job. change can be a good thing. well i'll see. i still need loads of $$$ to last me throughout so i'm definitely still gonna go for work during school term. damn... 8 weeks of holidays seriously not enough. i thought i could use to spend time with her... but hey end of this march there'll be the epic trace jam to look forward to. not that bad afterall eh!

indeed the previous blogpost was just 'a phase', whatever i'd call it. i guess sometimes your mind will get cluttered up over one issue, when all you need is some rest to realise whatever you were thinking was just. nonsense. and you'll figure it all out - which i did - i think acceptance is everything. not just accepting others, but yourself as well. stop it with comparisons and stress, cp. everyone has their differences.
like you will understand anything.

i need to let loose. nowadays i just think i'm too tensed up. let's just focus on having fun, and let things fall into pieces themselves. TAKE A ChillPill, CP. ^^

2011-03-09T02:57:00.004+08:00

DANCE DANCE
WE'RE FALLING APART TO HALF TIME.

so shahfir popped this question to me today: "if you could go back time, which part of your life will you wanna go back too?"

to me i think i like the present and i'll stick to staying in the present. i know there's loads of shit in the past where i could've done to change my life drastically but i know there's a reason why we can't rewind time.

even if i really wanted to rewind, i'll probably rewind in those 'ARGH IF ONLY I DIDNT DO THAT' moments like where i fell and injure myself, and THAT DAY WHEN I LOST MY FREAKING IPHONE. omg seriously scarred for life.

the present to me is perfect. well of course there's so many things that can be better (LIKE ME GETTING MY TWISTS LIKE NOW, UGHHHH). i don't know, i don't wanna go back to the past (not that my past is so screwed though (well okay maybe in sec1)), i have so much good memories in my childhood till just last year in dpa especially (OMG BINTAN, one year already.) but it's just nah i don't want to go through all of that again, yeah everyone would admit it sucks that you lose friends and you don't get to relive the awesome memories back then, but i say again, in life, we move forward.

and i think everything is laid down for us ever so perfectly. and that any single step taken differently would've thrown you down a whole new path in life. maybe for the better or the worse. but will you want to take the risk?

yeah maybe the quality of life waxes and wanes throughout but seriously though i think life never sucks as long as you know you living life to the fullest.

why so deep cp.

because in 2011, i think i'm having the best time of my life.
and not even a quarter of the year is over.

i believe this feeling will last throughout. like justtt. and i'm left with today, and tomorrow, and till evening of friday to withstand this torture. not easy. but well like she said - at least i have someone to miss this year.

on the other hand though, i just realise two things about me (hopefully i'm not too late)
i say i hate judgments and i don't like being judged, but hey i'm the one doing all the judgments. yeah its human nature to judge, i know it's wrong but i really need to kick that habit.
and i say i'm not competitive. and throughout what parkour have taught me, i felt like i managed to apply to my studies. i can seriously give you a bunch of reason why overcompetitiveness is bad but then i kind of realise i still have that tendency to want to do more, to impress, to 'win' others.

i am disappointed but at least i manage to pick this out, and there's only one thing to do now. stop doing them.

i really don't know why i'm feeling them but it is affecting me quite badly. why is there that urge to force yourself to do something that you have no real interest? why the jealousy over not being as good/as knowledgeable? and you know it yourself that there's no real point having all of those because the only reason why you feel that way is because you want better - not for yourself but for how you want others to view you. that's freaking sad.

what happened to intrinsic motivation?
what happened to 'if you force your body to do/learn something it doesn't want to do, it'll be pointless because you're not enjoying it.'?
what happened to being yourself?

but then again. it's always good to try something new - only for the pure reason of wanting to 'try something new'. you never know but you might find something enjoyable. you know it yourself, cp. just keep it mind.

i really don't know why i'm feeling this way. i need to shake it off, let loose, and learn how to just have fun. and appreciate. not hate. whatever do you need be jealous for, when you are already damn good.

maybe it's a phase.
i kinda think it is.
or maybe i should just stop using that excuse.

2011-03-09T02:38:00.002+08:00

argh i wanna delete all my old posts and remove my tagboard and links and whatever. i just want a plain white background with texts cause im too damn lazy. so that's what i'm gonna do. and, i sense a revival?

i haven't been writing/blogging for a long long time but i think i'm starting to have the feel again. kind of. but whatever.

and i love tumblr but i realised over time, maybe tumblr ain't that cool for textposts.

and too bad, i don't really want to my posts reblogged/commented/liked.

there's no need for that.

like there's a need for anything.

hahahahahahaha.

2010-03-19T17:34:00.006+08:00

this 5 weeks don't look very long.
1 week is already gone, and it hasn't really been put to good use.
i have a trip to malaysia soon and that will take up another week. 4th - 8th. problems started arising and everything start going haywire. its not easy to please everybody, and it really sucks when you face such people in life. i can't do anything to salvage this though, and seriously, i really feel adrift from the people i once felt had shared this special bond together. maybe due to one or two people that came in, and screw everything in the clique up. i start to realise who truly is a better friend, and i want to back out from the clique that's becoming more and more like a popularity contest. so much tensity, so much pressure to fit in. who makes the loudest noise/funniest joke wins. there's so much more hostility and bastardry up there, but people are blindly following. are they blinded by facts and reality? or they just can't realise it. or maybe there's 'nothing' wrong with it. apparently.

then again, its only that one or two people. the rest are still awesome, and i shall not let my perception of that minor few affect the whole group. cannot have that immature thinking. but im definitely not wanting to stick so close to people who are too obsessed over fame and forget the part about chilling and having fun. somehow i feel we are not having enough jams anymore. why ah?

now, the feeling of going there for five days, spending about $100+, is definitely having that commitment to enjoy yourself. but how can i possibly be enjoying myself when i feel that i'm being forced to go there. and because of my responsibility (cameraman), the burden gets a whole lot heavier. that sudden feeling of not wanting to go there, sure it might piss you off, but damn, i'm not going there to waste time, who cares what you think. and you know, threats are bullshit. i shall not let this matter affect me, and how i think about the others...

other misc. stuffs.
- my bioclock is once again cocked up and i always wake up so late that i miss programs like today. need to resettle it as i have to wake up earlier for the events coming up this week.
- weather hasn't been great, raining and wet, how the fuck do i start filming/training. not a good thing when msia trip is upcoming.
- money is also another issue, thanks to the hike in transportation fares and outside food. and there's so much more events to go to, birthday party, bbq, movies, going out = spending money. reminds me of how little determination i put in achieving my new year's resolution. 3k goal? fail.
- ok maybe she's not that bad of a pangsehkia. you need to look at another angle. im still having this tendency to over-generalise. i should implement what i've learnt from socpsy into real life.
- jobs are not easy to get too, but hopefully ashton's jobs could suffice.
- haven't been able to catch up with sec sch friends due to external reasons, damn. i should make a effort to organise something... and a pri school gathering? not sure if i want to but, damn. money again.
- well i really wish to go back 2 weeks back and enjoy class together again, without the lessons but the awesome long breaks together. they are really awesome. bintan was so great i'm feeling sad it had to end.
- i seriously feel the laziness in me building up, no mood to train/gym, lacking motivation. don't like the feeling of a wasted day, but there's so many other things getting in the way.and in the end i only spend my time on facebook/youtube, bumming around at home.
- in conclusion, i need to meet up with you guys quick, but hopefully not at the expense of spending money.

gosh, sooner or later i'll die of boredom.

2010-03-17T17:04:00.003+08:00

ever since i got a bicycle, cycling has been topsy turvy. sure its fun, being able to cut some transportation cost and time to destinations nearby, maybe even a simple awesome way to exercise. but there's downsides as well. having spent about $140 on the bike back to nov 2009, thanks to poor care and management (ironically, because at the beginning i was so concerned about not spoiling my bike), my bike seems like some 5-year-old garbage bike you see around the first floor of hdb estates. and that pisses me off. i've been spending quite some amount on repairing of the bike's brake/gear/tyre and the condition of the bike is still quite bad. i get tired really easily and i dont think my speed is quick. even though its a calorie burner, i hate to always get exhausted so much before gym sessions, or sweat so much to reach somewhere near.

and just today, frustrations of having a bike piled on top of each other, but i live to tell the tale right now. true enough, as much as parents love to complain, they do make a bit of sense, about me not being careful enough. aiyah, i really need to heighten my sense of awareness, be it mentally or physically, in movements or real life. sometimes life's a blur to me, and i can't make full sense of what i'm doing.

despite the complaints, i had fun ytd though, being able to find my way to ecp from simei, just following the park connector all the way. and damn, that was a long ride, 40minutes from ecp's lagoon back here, definitely an achievement for me. 30km+ of travelling distance, i guess that was quite an assercise. shockingly i don't feel much aches today, despite the fact i didn't sleep well.

on my macbook now, something that's new in my life, and much of my coursemates i believe. finally have a new laptop. kinda irritating needing to wait for my cousin's mobile broadband thumbdrive thingy, have to share with my sis, who likes to make noise all the time. i can't wait to install bootcamp, but first i need to meet up with ah kau, who knows it all in this field. im quite used to the interface already, still pissed there's no ctrl c/v button, home and end button, but the multi-touch mouse sensor is quite an awesome thing to use. and lol, apple really knows how to act original with their interface. i still don't know why my mum chose to pay installments, it costs about 3k in all, but hopefully its worth the price. can't wait to start using windows 7 on this and edit videos all the time.

oh and dont believe my msn's pm, i was just yearning to have a personal laptop to do all my editings on it. mac doesnt have vegas, since they are stupid. somehow the internet and msn does enough to keep me happy, since i don't play much games anyway.

speaking about videos, i've made one new video, just released today. kinda finished it quickly, wasn't a very good video imo, but yeah, managed to clear up the archives with richie today, who tonned at my house. cp in motion was well-received by my poly friends, although i didnt think the huge outburst was really necessary, but things like this cannot be helped so i shouldn't keep the wrong mindset about hiding my 'true self' now. i promise a better video, cp in motion 2. but that will take some time.

i have people to thank for keeping me occupied with things instead of me dwelling over petty issues for the past few days. im putting in effort to shift my focus away from it and once things are settled i'll try to get back to previous state of our relationship. its regretful, telling her my true feelings, but aiyah, what's done cannot be undone. cliche, but true. admittedly, the little things she does/posts still kinda affects me. and the fact many people have found their other half really makes me green with envy. nehmind, i'm trying to brighten my light bulb, it has been really dim these days.

mahjong tmr at ah gwee house. its gonna be fun. poly friends are awesome. let me reiterate, i really didnt think i can click with my class, but it turns out that my classmates are quite a lovely bunch. i remembered felix's birthday party, how awesome the people are, playing wii, chatting, playing mahjong. i think the ba people are cool too. haha, fun stuffs. its awesome good to make new friends, knowing that within the 100 people, about 5+/- of them can be really good friends for life. orientation camp group finally got a meet up, i'm so looking forward. really.

i haven't been catching up with my pk/sec sch friends and its about time i do so. there isn't any more of a better time to meet up with them during this 5 weeks break. i kept the promise to myself to not lose any contact with them, and thus i should make the effort to interact with them soon. i don't wanna be labelled as some pangsehkia, make new friends forget old ones. but damn, i do feel abit distant from a couple of people i once considered close. like mr zahid. its enviable how certain classmates manage to keep a really close relationship with their friends all the while, and me, i still ponder about whether do i have true friends.

again, holidays, time to get a job. i'm surprised how many of my friends are working already. but i have to thank ashton for giving me slots for jobs that pays me enough to not feel guilty of spending more than saving/earning. a.m.a showreel is something that i want to work on, but i just don't have the clips and everything to make one solid video. im so lazy to find a job no matter how much i want to work, but then hais, time isn't exactly on my hand either. trips to msia/indonesia to come, and i hope i have fun. what's more, there's still a personal commitment to work on, that is to start filming for my new video, and of course, to train up more.

life has been colourful, not exactly all positive, but yeah, things are sailing just fine.

2010-03-15T23:50:00.003+08:00

maybe...

maybe i can't really figure out how close a relationship between two parties can be to fulfill the criteria of being couples. so what if we talk all the time... so what if we have couple of similarities... so what if we click quite well. that doesn't mean its 'love'.

maybe from all the nonverbal signals, i felt that there might just be abit of liking from the other side and i took it positively. all the touch and all the interactivity surely must tell you something, but the misinterpretation of it turns out to be horrid. its just the way she does things, and her inclination to touch.

maybe i was through impulse, yet again. your mind's playing all the mind tricks on you yet you fall for it, because remember, the way you think of things may not reflect actuality. you didn't take a step back and truly have a grasp of the scenario. what's the bigger picture? so many uncertainties but yet you rush, despite you knowing the mere time-frame of knowing each other.

maybe im just too childish to undertake such matters.

thats like the 3rd time shit like this happened to me. back to the same old saying about myself - i don't fucking learn from mistakes. i wonder when i would fully mature and stop being so dumb. and try to act like i'm that kind of wise guy. fuck all these man, time should fix this. apathy should fix this. learning from this experience (again) should fix this. i really wish to put a stop to all these, but somehow... somehow... i just like to put myself in deep shit over and over again.

forget it lah.

2010-03-12T12:22:00.002+08:00

bintan was f'awesome.
this time round, i expected it to be good. turned out to be sofa king awesome.

let's go through day to day then overall.
day 1 was abit boring lah. my group is quite suckish to say the truth. upon reaching bintan, it got awesome though. awesome sandy beaches and bad ass food and lodging, don't know if its truly a camp or a holiday trip. somemore its free. HAHA owned like fuck win wtfbbq. i liked the tug of war.. the only game that is actually intensive and getting everyone to contribute. fucking disappointed that we couldn't even get a single point. but like everyone said in the round robin, its true in life not everything goes that way you want it to go. after that at night, the fms peeps stayed and played/sang songs together.

day 2 nothing much happened i guess, everyone was tired and slept early, but did the same - fms sing-along and bad ass food for breakfast, lunch even. activities sucks, being a leader failed, writing emotional post-it notes pass. got crazy at the bitch, got myself sandy like fuck. whatever whatever. and i got ranked bottom 4 times. damn.

day 3 was crazy. last day as a group tgt, so yeah probably the most bonded feeling of the group, but not strong enough to leave an impression. i definitely wont meet up with my group if there's any meetups lol. but yeah the feeling of finally finishing the module was awesome, did well in the 10 feet tower game and got plenty of free time that day. crying moments at the post-it notes part and giving of gems. it just got into me, how a class that i pretty much dislike at first, turned out to be such great friends, and i believe closer to some of my sec school classmates already. there should be more of this camps. party-ed like fuck at the night, anyhow rocked my hands and 'danced', somewhat mini experience of 'clubbing'? loser corner is the best. the day i lost my sanity, as someone would copy. owned? haha. but the whole night was spent emo-ing. now i know what it feels to be lovesick.

day 4... swam. finally get the taste of the pool. quite some time since i last swam but i'm noting some progression in treading water lolol. and i got sunburnt. and slightly darker? lolwned. and seriously speaking my focus of the camp wasn't on my group, but rather on fms, and more especially on da jie. went to pasar oleh oleh but i can't find anything memorable to bring to singapore.. so i saved money instead. bubble gummies i can blow bubble now. like finally. HAHAHA. step out of the ferry and it felt so great being in singapore. but not so great as well because i didn't manage to accomplish my task. and stepped home... spent the night reflecting.. reflecting.. reflecting.. until my brain eventually wears out. pom and i laid on my bed, slept for the next 10hrs.

overall it was awesome lah, the dpa experience was just intense, everybody was cool. thanks man, seriously, for the 8 weeks+ together, see you guys soon, or perhaps when the terms start. felix birthday tmr, first stop for awesomeness.

2010-03-12T12:01:00.004+08:00

damn man, i never felt so strong an emotion before....

my attempt on a love letter:

"i don't know but this has been bothering me form quite some time already and i doubt i can put up with all these pretense any longer. it's obvious, i fell in love with you. there's no real reason why, but i figured if someone made such a difference and caused such an impact to your life despite the mere length of knowing each other, she's definitely someone you will want to keep in your life forever. my mind is always preoccupied with you. and i lost count the number of times i turn around trying to spot you in the room. but hearing her talking about the someone she loves, and how she puts you second priority only demoralises you. demoralises you so badly. as they say, the worst thing in life is seeing someone you love, love someone else. why all these emotions? ever since that hug, i started to fall deeper into this love trap. i poured out all emotions into that one post-it note, risking myself to look like a loser in front of everyone else. although you post-it was reassuring, it was of ill-effect knowing that you wouldn't meet yesterday. each time i see you sitting with your friends, i have so little courage to approach you because i'm conscious of myself whenever i'm with people i don't know. i guess everyone has their own priorities, and i'm evidently not topping yours. i might be a pessimist but it is better to live in reality than in delusions.
however, whatever the case is, i just want you to know one thing: i love you terribly."

emo core right? but serious. i wrote this @ bintan, in my crib. i think it's awesome to lie on the bed, listening to music, then type all your thoughts out into your phone.

2010-03-06T21:58:00.001+08:00

I still have vivid impressions of the first day of lessons and back till the orientation camp. And how I went bitching about having an acting cute lecturer and boring lessons. And how I complain its unnecessary and I rather stick to my secondary school friends. And how early I have to wake up and travel painstakingly long distances to school, whereas all my friends are still having fun not needing to attend classes yet.

If anyone bothered to remember, I was the only guy who raised my hands up when Tony asked "Who feels that DPA isn't where you want to be?". It isn't, I applied DPA for fun in the first place, but landed myself with 8 weeks of lessons way before the actual terms commences. And halfway through I still hated it.

But nah, I don't regret a shit anymore.

Yesterday marks the last day of lessons with FMS DPA '10, and I really regretted not going today. I never liked been in a class filled with (too much) enthusiasm, and admittedly I don't think I've talked to alot of them at all. But all in all, it has been a good experience. Bittersweet experience. In the end its the friends that makes everything worthy, no matter how we hate the lessons, we still have fun because we're in it together... eh... no high school musical pun intended. The companionship is the best thing ever. Not even in FMS, even the people in other courses, even back from PEACE. I want lessons to end, but I don't want the bond formed and what many would consider a 'mere 7 weeks' to just be gone like that.

On wednesday almost everyone stayed back in school till 9+ rushing to finish SocPsy and Mindworks, reminds me of the days in secondary school where everyone took out other school's exam papers and chiong till 6+ after lessons ended. And not forgetting to mention, countless of gossips and mocking around. Random dirty humour in Ah Khiong's class. Long boring hours of SocPsy but random early dismissal for an even longer break. Sleeping so late finishing assignment, heavier eyebags as each day passes by. Crazy laughters and noise in field trips to Semb Beach/Red dot/NTU. Having to perform a skit twice in CATS. Conquering of all the 3 rockclimbing lanes. Blah blah blah..

I'll miss everybody. No doubt about that.

Life goes on though.

2010-03-01T22:56:00.003+08:00

damn long since i've blogged. although i've always wanted to.

stress, this week and the last week. 3 more days till freedom. for now, just chiong, it'll be done soon enough.
last week i've little time to do training but i still managed to go to the gym twice and train my flips in the other 3 weekdays. also trained flips today. feeling some progression already. oh yeah, all that and trying to complete my socpsy journal and going to many cats meetups. this week abit more horrific, 3 presentations in 2 days. now everybody is squeezing their time to complete group discussions.

poly life is hectic, for real. siancore.
especially when it comes to group projects, where the burden is shared, thus shared responsibility. not a very good thing because honestly i'm never a hardworking person and i slack alot, due to the fact that i can't be bothered about pointless schoolwork. anyway, now that i have no choice, i have to make an effort to contribute, or else its pure free riding. tehhhhhhhhh

i want to say my class sucks, noisy, over enthusiastic, unreasonably hyper, sian-ish. but reviewing individuals one by one, somehow it isnt thatttt bad, especially just knowing them for less then 2 months, its amazing how much fun we can have already. save for the fact of boring continuous talks in train rides fro, and one or two annoying personalities in class... actually its not that bad. need more guys though, seriously. don't like being a company fullllll of girls, epic fail.

weeekend was as hectic... with two days of mahjong, first day winning $14, second day losing $2. 2nd day had the half of the pksg gang staying over at my house, chilling slacking finally sleeping at 8+ for me... the feeling of being able to fall asleep is such awesomeness... thats the fun part about tonning.. just going to a bed and sleep after like 1 minute of shut-eye. i need more of these. chalets is such fun. today in school i'm dying to sleep. just 15minutes of resting my head in a bus ride is so refreshing.

i'm getting really lazy to go to the gym now, im gonna go rockclimbing competition this sat. bintan next week, life should be smooth sailing.

too bad the situation isnt as it seems.

2010-02-15T01:37:00.003+08:00

blogging again, short this time.
i fucking need to win my money back, gambling's always like that. when you're on a winning streak, the money will start rolling in, but when it reached the peak, money keep dropping and you're desperate to get it back, only to realise cards started turning their back to you, and give you shit cards like 14 or 15. the phrase 'quit while you're ahead' fits in so perfectly in this scenario, but when you're in the cny mood, all you think about is winning more, and more. greed is human nature.

i don't know why, but yes, seriously i have this problem of exaggerating a problem. but remember, apathy is something much appreciated once used appropriately. once you can't be bothered, you don't get pissed unnecessarily and stupidly. truth be told, i don't understand why i get so uptight when the issue is brought up anyway. unnecessary exaggeration causing an unwanted troubled mind - for nothing. that brings back the talk about how ignorance can be blissful.

if only i can be as witty, as wise and knowledgeable as the handful of friends i have. all these majorly inapplicable knowledge gained from school and nonsensical modules are a pure wastage of time. i want to be a person that can speak from his mind in an instance. that requires some training.

1 month is seriously too early to say anything, but i tend to contradict myself sometimes. don't know why all these can be happening.

2010-02-14T02:58:00.002+08:00

yay cny is here. like finally.
don't know why but my mood for cny is really high this year, with my family spending the most, 600 on clothes yesterday, and me myself hitting 400bucks overall. money, damn money, i want a bloody job. maybe its because i've learnt how to play mahjong, so i look forward to my first mahjong session during the cny. maybe its been a long time since i've gambled so i hope to earn some money just gambling, once in a year is fine. maybe its due to the stress of poly life so this timely break is well-deserved. maybe i got someone to talk to now so relatives are not as boring anymore.

i kinda feel that my squats are back, but i need to really maintain it, i'm going into a routine come the 5 weeks break after bintan, and i must strengthen my form. i'm gonna go back on monday so i requires much determination, forcing your body to train even on a cny day. but really no choice. i also have quizzes and assignment to complete the following week, and its boring like hell. also 5 week's break is for me start filming, editing, and training. and get a job too.

oh so much talk about cny, but i've forgotten about valentines. many people complaining about being single and lonely, thus concluding valentines to be sucky. like who bloody cares. haha get ang pao and stfu lah.

gosh i can't believe i broke my headphones. thank god i won the contest with richie, hopefully i get a good replacement soon. but it bothers me to think that dropping my phone like countless times made the music quality fail abit. i want a bloody iphone. such a good tool to use in school.

this week's really good because wed i had loads of fun celebrating shaomin's birthday. finally after 1 month we get to hang out again. i don't know why but many people said my hairstyle changed alot. changed of style in general. but as long as its for the better, then its good lah. my bowling skills abit fail but pool is bloody fun, i should start trying out pool more, especially in long breaks. bukit timah plaza just some 15mins walk away. people come and go, people changed... but as long as contact is kept, things should be fine.

i felt less awkward on thurs and fri, being included, less stress and more fun. i was having a good day on thurs, being able to squat 80kg x3x5 well, and gossiping about the fun stuffs of life. friday was the field trip to ura and red dot, and it was fun going out with fms dpa, slowly starting to like everyone. but i really hope that we get more lunch outing with peace. its breaking contact. not good.

you know, when they say ignorance is bliss, i think about how true that is. like hell. if i wasn't so conscious about casual conversations, i wouldn't complicate simple things. the more we think of something to be true, it ends up being true because of you making it so. self fulfilling prophecy in action. i don't want to be ass and say everyone's boring, because what makes me think that i talk about the most interesting thing, and create so much humour that others so evidently fail to do so. maybe there's inevitable judgments and impressions we create, but never make it a definite. its still like one month into this, let's take things slowly, adaptation takes time. open-mindedness would be greatly appreciated, and i should stop holding false assumptions so hardly. damn it for being jy-ish. even if over consciousness isn't a good thing, awareness is still needed at all times.

and its too early to say anything, even though there's sparks igniting already.
if a person values happiness as simplicity, life wouldn't be so much of a hassle anymore.

happy chinese new year everybody.

2010-02-08T22:31:00.002+08:00

don't want to hear another post of me whining about getting tied down by school again?
haha, too bad.

seriously after that long break from gym, about 3 weeks of stagnancy, squats have been so much tougher, its like i got the 100kg squat for no reason, now my form is quite cocked up and i've no longer have the strength to even handle 80kg for more than 3 reps. fail or what... ironically, my pullups and benchpress seemed to improved, deadlifts are consistent as ever. only squats. like wtf.
and now that school's taken away my weekdays, i only got the luxury or the evening to train or something, but think, because castle's no longer around, i'm gonna take like 30minutes at least to travel to punggol/sengkang and thats fucking time consuming. teleportation will be revolutionary, but i doubt it'll ever be there in my time. want to train also cannot. unable to breathe thanks to school. i can only look forward to cny to temporarily relieve myself from the weariness.

when they say it takes time to adapt, it really TAKES TIME to adapt. its irritating how you have to try to act somebody else. its so uncomfortable and awkward to pretend and not be yourself. if my image of them is this, they probably have a similar image of me towards them - boring and unwilling to converse. as far as things go, there's only one thing i can say. don't try to hard to be someone else that you're not. its so damn foreign. to say honestly, probably only one or two clicks with my personality. chey i blogged about you leh kelly.

boring lah hor. i seriously want to ponteng. i see no point in attending all these useless modules. and you think i would study for a lame quiz tmr? who cares...

i look forward to wed woohoo i can finally meet my secondary school friends and talk all kinds of shit. unlike... now. hahaha owned. and i fucking need a job, i spent 500bucks +/- on clothings and other shits. indecisiveness kills, like seriously. because not everything i bought was the cheapest/nicest, and fail in getting the correct size.

need a job need a job need a job.

2010-02-04T22:02:00.002+08:00

wooooo, wipe sweats from forehead. 3 weeks and going. 3 bloody weeks. short or long? you decide. (thats what she said)

this week's a tough week, we all the squeeze of group projects into one day, didn't thought i would survive breathing, but here i am transmitting my thoughts into texts to the virtual world. cats project went really well, thanks to keziah, admittedly. don't think i was contributory in the planning and work, so sorry for the slackness. same for socpsy, even worse, missed a meeting, slept in the 2nd, however things worked out eventually... wasn't sooo bad, but presentations are nerve-wrecking. i need to start contribute more in my group work no matter how much i hate those pointless modules, but hell i must have responsibility...

a breather next week hopefully, but quizzes are still being randomly thrown in, but a person like me, who couldn't care less about the mindwork quiz today, can always do last minute revision. instead of mindlessly studying, i can pray last minute revision could help as much as the first time. seriously cba to study man. unimportant bullshits. imagine not even being halfway done with dpa and already finding poly life tough and boring. people looking forward to poly might just switch opinions after reading my post huh.

humans hate to resist change but can adapt well. i know in life we have to move on, we have no choice but to face changes and as it is still out of our control, we have to still finish up our tertiary education, no matter how sucky it is. if only you can stick to some people and stick to it forever. this environment is fishy, and i don't feel myself, and i see no point. and then again, we don't do very purposeful things all the time right. so much of restriction when i compare myself in the weekends where freedom is truly being experienced. people here are nice, no doubt, but they are just surfacial. or maybe i'm over conscious, maybe its too early to see the effect yet, maybe you are just not opening yourself yet. now you guys know why i'm the black hat - pessimistic little being, i see the cup as half empty even if it is full.

i appreciate the short little weekends and the time at home after school. cherish every little moment you have away from school. just away from all the hustle and bustle of poly life. music is the ever refreshing antidote from school-sickness.

too bad. shin stitched, managed to still be able to go to the gym and flipped today, movements wise i doubt i'll be handling much, simple precision and focus practice... drilling of basics. its amazing how much simple mistakes can cost you. simple mistakes... when you go for a higher risk move, usually the consequences aren't so dire. usually. chances are you will be more aware. this injury is already considered dire, but imagine just knocking over your camera and there goes 2k. its better if you leave zero room for error. easier said than done. simple mistakes... so much devastation... such a scary thought.

traveling is such an luxury. being able to widen your vision by exploring beyond your country. korea, japan, london, even malaysia... for a start. lets globe-trot one day. it's something that had a growing passion within me. to see the world and smell the different atmosphere around earth, enjoying the luxurious beauty, and experience different cultures. there's nothing much else to wish for. happiness can be that simple. if only money isn't brought into the picture.

i think i know why posts of mine are so long, at least compared to many of others. probably my life is more happening, engaging and lively... hahahahahahaha........

joke fail i know. something very common in my class. approx 20 joke fails a day. fake laughter win though.

lets be a yellow hat and life shall improve...

2010-01-31T11:11:00.003+08:00

lol 100th post. like finally.

start of 2010, 2nd jan - epic buangkok sdc2p bail.. bruised and cut the top of my knee.
end of jan 2010, 31th jan - unfocused stride to slip to shinbonesnap.. stupidity caused deep shin cut.

fail or what? injuries are nothing to me, mistakes are repeatedly committed, nothing ever really alerted me. i'm still not on my 100% focus mode, and it seems like no matter what happens i can't be fully focused. on such a SIMPLE movement i spent 80 bucks. first experience? luckily i wasn't fatal. so many bails yet none of them made me more aware of myself. so much for the 'all talk no action' mentioning of 'STAY FOCUSED' on many of my blogposts, and that includes my new year's resolution post. i seriously must wake up... seriously. no more bails please.

today's the last day of children fare of bus concession, so i decided jelapang is a good destination, albeit the long distance and irritating traveling time. only at the first spot and i ended up bailing not even 20minutes into the training. blood keeps dripping and wasting so much people's time and money... fail tmr start adult fare liao. keep on wasting money. money money money. fuck that shit. i seriously want to start working, i need to make up for all the lame money i spent rather mindlessly, 3k goal looks impossible to get unless i get a job asap. 5 weeks break is chiong work for money.

oh and did i mention, the stiching room is HORRIBLY cold, like probably 10 degrees in there, and the pain is excruciating, what numbness the doctors ensured, doesn't work at all! however i probably can start squatting on wednesday or something, 2 days break and slowly get back into training... SLOWLY

incredibly packed with next week, with group assignments and quizzes due to completion and boring field trips, can you imagine its like only the 3rd week? so i'm kinda like training 3 days in a row... quite intensively somemore. just need to make full use of the free days i have left. yeah, and then i bailed. owned sia. btw, weekends were supposed to be used for group assignments but i managed to push it to the weekdays. lol, i'm just one that can't be bothered. i'm lazy to go to school tmr and i got a bloody mc. but i can't, got fucking projects that i can't skip. don't understand why people will look forward to poly at all.

sidetracking,
the thought of travelling to other countries sounds fun, one of my goals is to travel around the world and widen my vision that is now only limited to singapore... pfft. i might dislike malaysia because i had the impression of it being lowclass and boring, but thinking about food and cheap stuffs over there, a&w + ramli + genting rides, i seriously wanna head out there to see what's it like. however the questions of security still raises several worries. racist issues... random thefts... and in other countries, random people having guns all that. suddenly feeling the luxury of singapore, i guess just everything got its ups and downs. the educational system here still sucks, but crime rates are rather low.

richie, tutu, and royce were great to accompany me, especially royce coming all the way from his area to my area... just make me a guilty friend that doesn't treat anyone nicely. i can't recall a single great deed i did to any of my friends, guess i'm totally unappreciative and nonreciprocal and that is something that sucks to have in a friend. i want to be a better person, but to start, i must be a better friend. tone down the bastardry, heighten the niceness. hais. such a bad prospect to be in. and i can still remember pangseh-ing max just to be able to get home without missing my last buses...

and in school, seriously, i know its abit still too early but... i feel that its kinda like making friends for no reason. just make for the sake of making. talk for the sake of making things less quiet/awkward. meeting for the sake of formality. its just a whole different vibe altogether. but seriously i've yet to see any really potential friends and frankly i've some people that i just can't see eye to eye recently. reasons not sure, just the 'vibe' again i guess. seriously 2 weeks+ nia and i'm already having all this impressions, hopefully i drop the grudges and things starts to improve..

snsd's new song oh! is fucking ownage, cute girls acting cute = super cute... and they continue owning. the song is catchy as well. adds to the list of catchy korean songs. haha. some good additions to my hp to keep me varied in music to keep abit of the boredom cells away on boring train/bus rides. i want a new headphone... when i get a bloody job lah.

random shit...
so far i only know 2 friends heading to np. like wtf right. so little people joining me in the new school. craving for fast food nowadays = fat + money. 2 shortfilms i watched gave me inspiration to make of my own, but i'm gonna start with cp in motion 2 first. need to spend some of my free time to start messing with the editing and stuffs. and every thursday, i get to meet up with friends and eat dinner and talk cock all the way till 10+, and the feeling is fucking awesome, beats the hell out of school.

lazy to keep writing. since i wrote so long already. ha

2010-01-26T10:55:00.006+08:00

woots mc for today, saving 12hours of school is some awesome shit, so i should seriously make full use of it. fucking hell i mentioned how easily people fall sick like 3 days ago, and now i fell prey to that statement, yeah yeah owned/fail i know. i'm feeling fine now actually. i wonder what's with the weird spots appearing on my skin now, keeps getting worse.

surviving the first week of dpa's poly life is something to be proud about. surviving 7 weeks deserves a fucking trophy. sure its fun with new friends and stuffs but lessons are boring fuck, however that's life and i should stop whining about it. it beats me how people can find poly life fun... when 'slack' is a missing word in my current dictionary, something that contradicts several people's opinions. studying modules that is inapplicable to my path. cats, mindworks... i rather rub shit on the building. fms classes are so angmoh-ish, its a whole new environment from my sec school class where conversations are less intimidating and have the singaporean flavour. and with less guys jokes can hardly be funny... oh shit i did a stereotype. everyone's so hardworking too. but me? no need answer you already know lah.

quite fun to 'experiment with fashion' says mr chan (who is probably the only lecturer that makes lessons interesting...)(still boring though), and i think i bought enough cny clothes already lah. one more jeans and pk shoes on the list. poly guys are more obsessed about muscles then their female counterparts are. lol. but whatever... yeah and expected, i'm not even working towards my 3k goal. fail. want to get a good paying job also so difficult.

takes some time to adapt... some time...

beginner's workshop wasn't so much of a success, frankly speaking. you might think a selfish little bitch who can't be bothered to teach kids how to jump, but judging from the many people's mindset on that day, i can't help to feel irritated and view them as helpless. however i just hope some of them continues to train on and develop themselves and prove me wrong. zhiyang's perception on everything seem to be very wise and knowledgeable, its cool to know when your 'student' grows up and learn more things and becomes a 'teacher' to you. don't get bigheaded ah didi.

and its been a long time since i've achieved something in pk that challenges the mental side as much as the physical side. achievement? definitely. i really can't get enough of punggol. such an awesome training place. trained alone today, felt good and some improvement in precision and landings, still got cockups and one silly bail, BUT the biggest problem now is the sdc-fever... outrageous priority placed on it. variety is important too. and ultimately, remember to FOCUS!

got a couple of filming inspiration now and i'm not gonna let this just fall... i'm gonna still piling up my ideas into a video. oh and back to the gym, realised my weight peaked to like 55kg now. amazing. seriously i'm spending on average $7 a day thanks to food. thus unnecessary calories and transfat probably enters my system, there's no wonder why my weight's that. and yeah got a couple of good songs this week... hopefully there's more. i'm blogging roughly the same things back to back, just updating on the same issue. haha crap, thus the no. of views.

can't wait for tmr to know if any of my friends is gonna enter the same school as me!

got to need to make myself feel occupied at every single time.. doing something useful/productive. suck to know that today's 12 hours free-time still isn't ideally utilized.

2010-01-18T00:23:00.000+08:00

Definitely the topic of my life in this week and probably the following weeks after, is poly life.

Wouldn't be so if I didn't thought of being extra to apply for DPA and faced reality 6 days ago that I can easily get to the course that I wanted without the extra 2 months.

But enough of bringing that topic back again and again, doesn't do anything to change reality.

How dreadful it is to pull yourself up out of bed 7am and travel near 70 minutes to your school every weekdays for 7 weeks, not to mention the probable torment you receive from the 2-hours modules. Too bad, quote Daniel: 习惯就好.

Ok enough of the emotional-ity.
Tell you, camp was fun. It's always like that somehow. All the camps I go for, I hate it at first, but slowly I felt it was the best shit ever.

It was so scary initially entering the room with 100 other individuals, thinking that I'm probably gonna mingle with some of them for the next 3 days, some even for the next 3 years. But icebreaker was relieving, although most people can recognise the shyness in me, I can be glad to say I at least tried to interact instead of keeping everything inside.

Shiok ah, having chalet to sleep in and bbq for dinner, with so much free time to slack and do your own things. Had to settle with B3 and B4s (Get it anot), but everyone was fun to talk to and cheerful enough to play games with. The best part had to be the night where Edwin, Jiayi, Andy, Kris, Charlotte, Isaac and me played lame mind games together till like 4am. What a reminisce to the Vietnam trip. Haha.

Camp resulted in my new hoarse voice! My hands are so rough and calloused now, I guess I need start wearing a glove to Hi-5 people and hold hands with gf. And I don't know what made me go emotional on the last day, its amazing how much 3 days can do to me, even by someone I don't know that well. All act only? Sometimes you feel you gained so much out of this camp but few weeks later you forget everything.

My body clock is seriously cocked up, woke up sooo late for DB's birthday jam, was supposed to wake up early like 11 but I had to sleep at 2am the day before. Today woke up near 2pm again. How am I gonna sleep tonight? Alarms just don't seem to work, neither does my mother's constant ranting, my eyes just can't stay open long enough. And thanks to this, mealtimes are also screwed, breakfast no longer routinely, dinner no longer at 6pm, 3 meals a day rule no longer adhered. Tomorrow don't know if I'm gonna doze off... asking me to sleep now is as good as wasting 2hours staring at the ceiling...

All the commitments in poly really gives you so much to worry for already. I'm speaking like I know what's poly life is about, but I don't. It's just the most pessimistic view from a person who freedom is now minimized. Speaking about this, I wonder how I would react to NS.

Haiya, now that they are much less free time, I'm gonna need much more time management. Gym + training + socialising/maintaining contact with friends + working on weekends hopefully + school life. And then money management. Lame sia.

Enough of the rantings that I kept to myself for about 4 days now, hopefully things don't turn out as bad as I pictured them to be, and life should still maintain its essence of fun. Adapt... must adapt.

PS: Seriously, Facebook is definitely the best way to connect with friends.

2010-01-11T03:03:00.000+08:00

11 hours. 11 hours till receiving the certificate we toiled so much for.
Sure it wouldn't matter much to me, as I'm set to study 2 days later in Ngee Ann Poly. Hopefully this certificate is worthy in the future. Some people say I do not need to worry about anything, however remembering the little careless mistakes and the gossips of high moderation, it is doubtful that my four As target get bullseyed.

I wandered downstairs to have abit of a sit-by-yourself and reflect over the past few days. Nothing much, boring shit as usual, haven't been sticking to the goal I said in the previous note. Still wasting alot of time, not being able to stick to planned thoughts. I lack determination. I'm back to where I was before the exams - self-control fail. It's quite a surprise for a person to keep repeating the same mistakes, how ironic when the famous saying "Learn from your mistake and make sure you don't repeat it" is recalled. It takes a constant alarm to remind me of not being stupid again. I can go on and on, but to not make stick to the old recurring trend in my posts (of rattling on and on about the stupid things that I do posts after posts), I shall stop it here.

Anyway I spent 17.50+2+4.50+10+1.30+1.20+0.85+9+0.80 = $47.15 in the 3 days of chalet. Owned sia. This included Bowling, Movie, KFC, Carl's Jr, gym and more food.. I think I'm gonna starve for the next couple of days, saving up pocket money to compensate for this mindless spending. I did not forget about the previous days of shopping and I'm thinking that I'm really drifting away from the 3k goal. Fuck. Class chalet, sad to say, wasn't so worthy of all the looking forward to.

Hai Pai Tian Xin is a good, wait, rather the best Chinese drama series. First I must say I don't watch much Chinese dramas. Haha. But it's just good, the effects the characters the plot, well organised and portrayed, and Rainie rocks. Nobody thinks I'm watching such shit but I need to expose myself to different genres, never know if there's some awesome things. Managed to eat my time for three days but still not enough to keep me fully un-bored. Tmr's episode 11, should be awesome... should be...

One of my Facebook statuses stated about me focusing too much on the negative sides of people and not caring to see the underside of the coin. Only looking on the one-side of a person only shows how much of an unopened mind I possess and I shall remind myself of the good things one has done and put up with a person flaws. Because no one's perfect. Same goes for me. So why bother so much? People's unique personality can be a displeasure at times, sure, but just put up with it because you could a be displeasure as well.

I remember myself saying that we should learn something new everyday. To realise and experience and understand something new everyday. But I find myself drifting away from that, not trying to expose myself to wide variety and stick to the same old boring shit. Sometimes I feel that I learn things pointlessly. I want to be wiser. The ability to apply knowledge is even more important then knowledge itself. But first, I must work on my laziness and stop (for the billionth's time) repeating mistakes. *hint* FOCUS *hint*.

At the end of 2010, I must be able to boast about having that 3k London air tickets + week's expenses and more, hitting the 1k subscribers milestone and hopefully lose the virginity of my lips. Yeah yeah...

Good luck to everyone for their results tomorrow! REALLY good luck. I pray for yours as much as mine.

P.S above goals are not exhaustive, lotsa other goals... lot's of them.
P.SS got to get some sleep before I oversleep tmr.
P.SSS I hate glum-looking posts, I should really lighten up!

2010-01-03T23:22:00.001+08:00

Lazy is THE word.

I hate the feeling when you feel one day's gone purposelessly. Like fuck, wastage of 24 hours, doing nothing but being useless. How stupid is that?

But I'm forced to. I can't go out training now, because I'm nursing a bruised knee thanks to a textbook CP bail, adding to the 'momentS of folly' list. Started the year with injury goes to show how much 'effort' I put into a new year's resolution - being focused 24/7.

I'm trying to take today as a rest day, a break, but I just can't, knowing that I only have 10 more days till school starts. And a 3d2n class chalet (yes! fucking can't wait). Not much time to train anymore. Bitch. With such little time left, it leaves me to wonder why am I not making the most out of it? Wtf am I doing now, writing notes?

And I was supposed to go to Kaki Bukit CC to collect my scholarship, but the thought of listening to the MP going on continuously about Singapore's education and crap, bored me to death. So I slept, gave an excuse of not wanting to wear the school uniform to escape from getting my 500 bucks today.

Fuck it. I'm just lazy.

Technically I got my first $1k, 2k short of my 3k goal before the midpoint of 2010. I'm hoping I'm getting another 300 bucks for getting 4 aces in O's, and $200 ang pao money, and probably 100 bucks this end of January, thanks to A.M.A. 1.4k left. How do I get it? I'm probably need to juggle 3 things at once. Studies, Training, and Working. It's not easy, obviously, but if I got so much time to hog Viwawa and play Fifa 10, AND staying up so late just to aimlessly scroll up and down in Facebook, I seriously should put aside those time on earning money.

I need to get rid of my laziness so to speak.
That's a new NYR.

Desperately looking for interesting and purposeful activities to replace my purposeless-wasting-of-tim

e-away 'activities', that can lead to no progression and ANY areas. Something to spice up my life. Currently its just TOO boring, monotonous and BORING. First thing that comes to my head is movies. So I'm torrenting movies now, sometimes hoping somehow that it can somewhat interest me in someway.

Ah shit, talk about laziness, CP is lazy to make Ashton's Birthday video.

Well for a start, I should make up for my waste of time today, and work towards my new NYR. So I shall start editing it now.

Guess after stupid quizzes, posting random links, spamming tags on photos, joining groups, Facebook's latest trend would be writing notes.

2009-12-31T13:00:00.000+08:00

gonna try to keep it short and sweet... try.

gotta be quite a breakthrough year, honestly, in terms of socialising and stuffs, but i dont like to rattle on about this issue. simply put, finally spoke up, finally broke the ice between classmates, toughen up and created new friendships. its not all about pk pk and just pk this year, finally get to hang out with people. confidence grew, no longer so hard to keep up conversations with friends, and maybe, just maybe, i think i can say i got true friends.

school isn't much of a bore to me now, in fact i quite miss it. secondary school and studyings... not that bad actually. not like last year where everything's was a havoc and the only thing i look forward to is the school bell so i can finally go train. that's right, with mdm noreha as our english teacher, with a better connection with your classmates, and without the mindset of 'what's the point of making friends'. now, remembering the times where i stayed back after school to chiong papers. i never say phua hor.

this year i let out my 'secret' and decided to not care about what others think of me doing climbing walls and jumping off stuffs. yaya, spiderman, whatever, but you know its not that bad... "you mean this year only?"

got to tell her all the things that i've kept inside of myself for so long... hey its really not that bad... maybe things don't live it up to its expectation. but, its ok. really. thanks for the adventure. huh brett what?

really stupid things that i've did. fell on my face, pure ownage lache gainer faceplant. went out one on one just to screw things up, like completely. minds having retarded thoughts. recklessness in decisions... pure over-analysis. extreme stupidity. getting so messed up over small issues. but i don't regret. hopefully i learn, and grow. sometimes your mind and your body isn't in sync, and you fell off course, veering into the 'anyhow just whack' state of mind. ended up screwed. awareness.... fucking need awareness. oh and apathy.

and need i mention, liverpool suck this year. but once a fan always a fan. they won against aston villa.. probably good to end the year winning. haha.

didn't really progress so much this year, but glad to see the relations between training mates grow, somewhat. love to see how much the community have grew, and became to be. i feel less angrier with my trainings, of course, there can be so much improvements, but one step at a time.

my mind's not that strong to remember all things happening this year, but...
- got through dpa. not much of an achievement actually, but still one of the things i did this year. i got to a course that i wanted.
- got about 50 wishes this birthday. some birthday gifts as well! never gotten those in the past 15 years. even if its on the o's, quite truthfully the best birthday ever, no wait, on par with the 15th birthday jam.
- overcame the hurdle that is the o levels. i'm so fucking gonna ace it. PLEASE!
- matured abit more, wisen up a little. i hope.
- made ALOT more friends..
- got a bloody bicycle.
- gained six-fucking-hundred subscribers. (yaya action lah action lah)
- albeit unable to hit the 2x bw goal that i was eyeing for, i got 100kg squats, which is an achievement by itself.
- indeed gotten myself much new flips this year, although i'm far from being good at it, i'm progressing forward. thats all that matters.
- and blah blah.

so, its not that bad of a life that i'm living, am i right?
yes i'm right handed.

seriously, there's nothing in this year that i wish i could change. nothing. everything happened in the direction that i can't fully avoid, the path was laid down for me to walk... of course the several hardships and bitter times were unfavorable, but in the end i'm right here. there's nothing that i want to change. i'm happy with how and where i am now. yes i am. OK maybe i want castle to be back to where it was.

thanks everyone for making things happen. hopefully i can stay in contact with all my friends this year but as life goes on... things move forwards.. there'll be newer things ahead. but really 4e5 and a.m.a and friends, don't lose contact with me. please. i love you all, fuck yes i really do. p.s dont take things too literally.

2009 is such a fast year. so fast.

ok now new years fucking resolution:
lower the expectation level and live life the way it should be lived.
spread the love and lessen the hate. acceptance. ai zai.
and to further improve myself as an individual, physically and mentally.

just 3 things. simple and sweet. harhar. you know, simplicity is happiness.

poly will be a whole new world, i'm hoping for the best, i know, its not gonna be all that bad...

twenty-ten, here i come. bitches.
and before i go, TAKE THIS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPS9nb1Xhkw&feature=sub

video for the year end.

have a great 2010!

2009-12-27T03:05:00.002+08:00

this computer sucks. internet speed cannot get any suckier.
been doing ALOT this holidays, well, training, staying at home, spend hours on the computer, started editing abit, eating like hell. ALOT. really.

meh. bored to death is the phrase to use.
repetitiveness kills. humans are not meant to live without variety. what's the point really, when it's aim is to experience everything.
music hunting don't seem very good nowadays, only ended up with 2 good songs out of like 50.
training also - haven't been on form since monday, tired legs and ineffective trainings, low value of enjoyment, what a waste of time then. life without purpose. missing puzzle pieces of my jigsaw.

BUT... ytd's jam was quite awesome, i won't say its the best jam i've had, because qayyim may jam is still unbeatable. maybe ytd was about the vibe, christmas in the city kind of thing, but not really of the training and the camaraderie. you know i still believe within the clique there are cliques. still some internal conflict, still some unfriendliness and unfamiliarity. maybe i'm overgeneralising, maybe its just one or two of them, maybe i'm biased. but that's the feeling i have.

tmr (rather today), friends are coming my house for another session of mahjong. haha. liverpool finally won. i'm blogging basically the same thing everyday. sleeping at 4am. monday will be watching avatar and having dinner, its ashton's birthday. maybe i can end the year on a high note, despite the ups and downs of this year. but i do believe everything evens out in the end. you can't really enjoy yourself when you don't know what is it like to be suffer the hardships of life. 13th jan's approaching, poly's approaching, ns' is coming closer... hectic life? i suppose.

i'm scared of the fragility of friendship. sometimes. once you screw things up, its free-fall. and its hard to get back where you once were. unless both are committed with enough time. you can judge its strength short-term. length shows so much, but the ability to resolve conflicts is testament to the strength of friendship. i wonder how people get to trust people so easily. think you are so close in such a short time.

i shall absorb what is useful to me, reject what is not. forget about niggling things that bothers you, and appreciate the treasures around you more.

2009-12-22T03:00:00.004+08:00

3am...
incompleteness in life.. the jigsaw puzzle still have not been solved, missing pieces in all areas of life. when would it be put together. seriously, there's something that's missing, joyful days are limited. happiness and positivity are always short-term. i haven't felt lasting satisfaction for a long time running. yeah, we can go out and play all day, so happy, but the next day, hmm... i'm back where i left off. boredom, incompleteness, monotony. 3 words that describe the life that i live.

i'm trying to fend off such negativity in my emotions, but everytime i try, i tend to procrastinate and not do what i truly want to do. seeking the purpose of life proved to be difficult. the compass is not working... where the hell is it pointing to... senseless, directionless, purposeless. humans are constantly on the run to find their happiness. they have to move in order to achieve happiness. i'm playing along. these feelings lingers - don't know what i truly want, don't know how long more this could last. hopefully this happens today, and it'll be forgotten tomorrow.

need to ignite the fun in within.

i'm so not looking forward to school.
class chalet 3d2n would be the final time of my life, before i enter a new social world.

2009-12-21T00:11:00.003+08:00

quite irritating.. tmr's my last day of my self-created 'routine', which means i'm maxing out, but news from my friend said boxfit was closed till 4 jan, which is a bitch to hear. i'm not heading to the lame swimming complex gym where you can't squat in peace, neither can you do weighted pullups. not user-friendly, at all (in all senses of that word). bo bian, have to go to eunos cc tmr to get my new PRs. c'mon cp, no kick, 100kg nia.

editing is fun but seriously i procrastinate alot, maybe because everything's so disorganised in my sony vegas and my computer is fucking laggy so i can't fully concentrate. you know one thing i don't really like about filming is that when you are being filmed, you can't possibly be the one filming it, so things can't ultimately turn out the way you wanted it to be. ok, maybe i suck at creativity in camera angles/movements, but at least its my way of experimentation or self-expression, and its so hard to explain the actual technique to the person you want to. oh and i'm not been using tripods alot, always using fish-eye lens with random camera movements. something's wrong with the mic, some weird sounds and its getting softer and less sharper in catching things. not good, not good. but today i collected possibly epic time lapse shots, and i do have ideas for timelapses to come. need to make sick films, must make sick films.

oh wait none of you guys understand what i'm saying, so let's get into the 'real' stuffs.
played mahjong on friday, still lack lots of experience, although i won... but nothing to be proud of. quite fun but seriously time consuming. i understand pretty much of the rules already but i still suck at winning. luckless? nah, noobness.
went to the e3 fair at suntec later that night to see about mac. fucking hell expensive shit sia, i really don't like the thought of compulsory macbooks in poly life. i mean, why limit yourself to that program, everyone uses pc, why be so extra to get a mac-only application for us students. yah lah complain complain, but seriously, mac is so ma huan, and expensive.

13th january, the start of school. how dreadful. i so hope i see a lovely bunch of classmates next year, but worry not i'm not bearing to part with the lovely people i've met this year. hopefully there'll be many enthu and friendly people there who i can click with. lets hope and see.. hope and see.. 8 weeks of school, then 5 weeks of break, thats when i start working, and film for my cp: in motion 2. woots. need to find a good part time job. i must be able to juggle school, training, gym, job, and fun in a week. so less computer time, less prancing around and less wasting of precious time.

i eat alot recently, not just extensively but unhealthily and expensively, rather unnecessarily, stupidly. don't call me a person who is obsessively concern about his weight (well i don't look in the mirror with nearly bones and say i'm fat, unlike others......), but i don't want to waste money just to satisfy my sugar rush/short-term hunger/craving. of course the unneeded unhealthiness, could be ridden off. lower the calories! but seriously, the pasar malam food is awesome shit.

quite amazing when someone that means something to you says something subliminal in their pm you seriously want to know what it truly means, although you don't really need to, but you just want to know. and you will think of all the possibility of the true meaning behind it, however all are just made-up, and none of them are actual... gosh i hate false hopes. brings your expectation so high up, gets your moods pumping, adrenaline rushing, face flushing with happiness, until you know... all things drop to rock bottom. fucking irritating feeling.

nothing that interesting to be written today... so you are reading things you don't need to know... long pointless posts. lol. but, i just think that liverpool suck balls, utter disappointment. but so does man utd. but wtf, chelsea drew with west ham today! fuck, seriously hate man utd lah.

tmr's the finale of survivor! im guessing mick to win survivor: samoa.

2009-12-09T21:52:00.006+08:00

fucking hectic week.
first ktv outing, then to agnes' birthday celebration, fucking owned in bowling, and then lame rehearsals at payalebar for starhub green. tmr going ice skating. weekend working for another performance for sony. for the win. money all gone down the drain. but the prize is $0.15k, and fun-filled days, muscle aches.

ktv was fucking fun, only thing was abit packed, before that need to go np, fucking far away, *complains like a bitch*, ok i'm settling for the free shuttle next year. needa get a laptop but some says i need a macbook?! FUCK YOU NP! first dpa, then its travelling time, now macbook. ya ya, everything comes with a price, dont whine, just drink it. but i think np's canteen is cool, and many many chiobus. right anot kingkong. *sakinah's voice*
yeah ktv sang, yeah yeah maybe people's ears bled, but i enjoyed myself, and i sang chinese songs, woohoo, i'm not a professional singer anyway. that's the whole point of going ktv. lame. of course i hope im not that bad lah. and kelvin i know my chinese sucks, no need for you to tell me.

performance's tmr, rehearse 4 times, retarded. transport fees. OUCH. money all fly. that's what happened on tues. play bowling = heart pain. i know 104 is no biggie but thats my first time i ever scored 100+. still i haven't got a strike. hell i didn't know bowling could be this fun. pool's funner, won daniel, although i know he action not zai only. because i suck at it. but fun. cake's no problem lah OBVIOUS. actually heart not pain at all, because had fun all the way, its only when i reached home and look at how light and thin my wallet is, then. then... haisssssss.

hopefully agnes liked her cake. no no, its my cake for her. AIK

still got jon's and szekeat's birthday presents to buy. no money. lazy. too bad. just kidding.

today gymed, then rehearse AGAIN! can't wait to end it with a bang tmr. wow. cool. then iceskate. wonder if it is fun? 20 bucks fly away again. hais. never mind, i hope. and 2 weeks till i hit the squat rack. this time 40kg on both sides. cp's achievement of the year.. not really.. but somewhat real. wonder what am i gonna do on friday. zhiyang want go tampines?

woots i think i can only blog at night. 8pm onwards. best timing ever. all thoughts accumulated and poured out in text form. fucking hate the depressive emotional outlook my blog may display, it seems like i'm another guy who failed at life, moaning about the 'heavy burdens' of everyday, how bloody retarded. however, maybe no one reads, NO, maybe no one cares. but i think its much less emo now. lololol

finally i did it. lol. expected reaction but hey at least i did it.
lol everybody kinda don't look forward, thinking about possible consequences. we just take things as it is, and let future forms by itself. always. stupidity rhymes with my name, well, at least sometimes. im king of making things awkward.

what a bitch, i kinda hate cycling now, because it kinda tires me easily now, and hate it when i need to lock it, + i think the bikes abit sot already. fuck. and i take soooooo long to reach my destinations.

i figured, some things you shouldn't do.
don't try to get close with someone through msn. talk in real life first, then msn, and balance it out.
don't over-analyse, it is easy to run into conclusions which are not true. also, making it an self-fulfilling prophecy - the more you think, the more it becomes.
don't act on impulse. due thoughts, due thoughts...
don't mock at people. bastarding people is ok.. as long as you know how to make it sound like a joke and you don't over do it.
don't anyhow blurt or do things. just be aware 24/7. one of the main cause of 'a moment of folly'. (more like 'momentS of folly')

life is a game, but the rules are unwritten. its for life to know, and for you to (hopefully) find out. each time you wake up, missions are awaiting for you. namely, responsibility. however there are endless levels. no ultimate winner. the opponent is you. you vs yourself. one twist though, each time you lose, you GAIN experience points. i.e learning from your mistakes. the longer you play, the better you get. hence, wise old man, after being through half a century of shits. fucking hell, i should write a whole list of comparison.

so where are you running too?

cue dramatic trailer voice : you play the game, don't let the game play you.

YES LONG, PICTURE-LESS, COLOURLESS POSTS FOR THE WIN.

2009-12-06T21:30:00.002+08:00

things to do during hols part 2/accomplishment-to-bes

get a fucking laptop WOOHOO!
make two vids : ARGHRUN! (a.k.a A.M.A Showreel), and another might be CP IN MOTION 2.
but seriously ah, i need some inspiration.
mahjong session, swimming session, soccer session and class chalet part 2.
more shirts, pants, shoes. but i already spent like 80 bucks on a jeans and one bermudas. i'll get two more shirts, one more bermudas and one more shoe. i'll be settled for cny by then.
new headphones. 30 bucks.
im pondering on getting braces.. new specs or something.
100kg squats
and alot more money.

wooooooo i found a new 'replacement' for the song gee. its chu by f(x). super nice like hell and sulli can improve people's eyesight. sian must act chim abit so people don't totally get it. too bad ali you caused me to be semi-obsessed with the song.

i'm bored to death and im not gonna get a job. i dont have the motivation to do so. i need one day jobs, but i'm lazy to find them too. nobody wants to go with me either. but i need money. oh damn it. and i'm considered of saving up 5k to go to london some day. however im still at about 400bucks but i'm spending my mother's money away like nothing.

i think i think alot, questioning myself all ways possible... good or not?

tmr's a long day and i'm gonna wake up early. wonder's what gonna be oncoming.

2009-12-04T22:13:00.002+08:00

stuffs to do in the holidays.

improve in cycling...
i want to get no hander for 10 seconds. thats an minor achievement.
work on efficient travelling. i got problems with acceleration and i get tired real easily... retarded, timed myself from house to school i took like 10 minutes. walking takes me like 15 minutes. thats not even half that timing, i really need to speed up.
sharp turns easily. still can't go up fucking handicap ramps.
simple front jacks to get over lame ledges.

lesson learnt about cycling -
dont cut through hdb, pathways are built for a reason.. don't khey kiang in knowing 'shortcuts', the longer path is usually faster then your 'shorter path'.
slow fucking down in sharp turns. relax.
ring the bell early when approaching people, and slow down.
take care of your bike. new bike + clumsy = old bike.
and dont speed through traffic lights.

you know what, i dont like ngee ann poly now. yeah not regretting anything because what's done is done. npp just go, no choice, suck it up. just hope for the better. just got a call and they said i need to give a passport photo, i forgotten to include it in the letter. how stupid, and guess what, i need to go to the school and give them. and right then i feel so sian-ed, i need to go alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the way there to give them a bloody photo. my mood jitao dropped to the drain. irritating, seriously, one of my greatest dislikes - travelling so far. that's one agony already, but what's worse is, FOR NOTHING. spend alot of money on travel fares too. maybe really the school isn't the ideal destination for me. i need to take train and bus. die sia, no longer can i rely on bus concession.

well they say the key for patience is to do something meanwhile. pops into my head, what can i possibly do to keep myself productive and not bored in the long travels? laptop of course... o2jam... fucking psp. music seriously ain't helping. earpiece spoilt, now i gotta get another one after no more then 3 months. wowow. call me tight-fisted, but without jobs (many thanks to school starting on 13th jan), how am i expected to earn 5k, fifty bloody thousand to hit my much-desired holiday in london? please, damn it. and its not really helping spending cash on fast food restaurant nowadays. additional trans-fat and rather high costs surely ain't speeding up the process of saving up. oh and the former, fuck it, i can't seem to stick to proper nutritional goals, thus my weight keep increasing by the decimal. no more 2x bw squats.
on the dark side of the darkest side, i still have bursary ($500) and probably another 300 bucks for 4 A's (i really hope so) for my O's. and some jobs from a.m.a and chinese new year coming soon. my savings now stands at about 400 bucks. hopefully i can at least hit 1.5k early next year. sad to say sunday's job cancelled. damn false hopes.

finally something that had lived up to expectation - class chalet. hope it to be fun, got it to be fun. part 2's coming up and i bet its gonna get better. love the camaraderie with friends whom we all know are not gonna be in contact for the years ahead. part of life, but cherish while you still can. too bad i'm no as courageous as you think i'd be at times. but fuck it who cares, stop dwelling, open up. night cycling was fun, mahjong too (but i fucking suck at it i swear), lame gamblings (so fun to be the banker), chats and jokes all round, lit up my mood during this holiday for a bit of a change. can't believe time is running out so fast, december already, gonna be january soon-est. oh well... sighs wouldn't change this fact, so make full use of time now.

made a new video today, find it kinda boring, but just a hopeful attempt to bring out laughter in us. can i reach my targeted number of views is another question. however i sure do need to get more clips and with smarter camerawork and angles.. try something different, maybe i need some editing inspiration, its draining away now. salvaging it is key. and training... remember awareness is imperative, know your limits well and respect your body. most importantly have fun... yes.

what else....... oh yeah, survivor is fucking AWESOME! 18 minutes till fifa world cup draw, assciting or what? the answer is what.

alright let me focus more on being joyful, there's so little time in life to keep dwelling on sad or boring lame shits, pointless and stupid.

2009-11-26T18:05:00.003+08:00

have you figured - nothing lasts forever?
probably yes, but still unsure somehow, somewhat.

many a times i tell myself i can finally fly. yes, o's are over, time for a good break finally. sure, everyone feels happy once holidays approaches and exams ends. psle was a minor hurdle, o's a bigger one. however, the satisfaction as with every other ones, was short-lived. actually, it quite a long-term satisfaction, but to end it, the feeling sucks, alot. holidays are only for you to take a short respite, a breather, before you get yourself back into the mundane bullshits that you have no choice but to face.

next up, poly. i can already sense boredom and stress coming out from countless presentation, project work, camps. hopefully there is fun. i just hope. but what fun really is, is absolute freedom. when there is school stuffs blocking your path, there is restriction. grab your liberty now while stocks last.

and then you have ns. what satisfaction you would get after ord. then you still got uni or further studies. once you graduate, yes! then you go to work. your task in life is to earn money, to get ahead. don't you think so? hopefully i get good pay doing a job i love, living a life that i would enjoy fully.

what's more when you finally buy something, in time it will wear out, spoil, and shit. some newer version come out, rendering your item outdated. and then you need to buy again. spending money again, this time more, as you know, everything is getting more and more expensive. forever man.

life a such a routine. everyone is living it the same way. humans conform to such a society. covering up with excuses such as "that's life, suck it up". however true it is, there must be a way through.

i know definitely there might be this that don't adhere to the following, but as far as exception goes, nothing lasts forever. thus treasure them when you still have it.

2009-11-22T02:36:00.002+08:00

train? or work?
in my already shortened holiday its hard to figure out the answer to my dilemma. i can't figure what's more important - to enjoy your youth to the fullest (because you're gonna end up working like hell in your adulthood, you have so little time left, not to mention you'll have 180 turn in your form), or make the most out of your time (gaining experience in the working field, earlier the better, and you also need money anyway). it is also so hard to find a job now that its holidays.

argh, thanks to dpa, applied for it unknowing that there'd be a 8 week preparatory program. too bad i can't escape from it, but i sure do hope i meet good friends. totally new faces, gonna be hard to build up rapport from scratch, but die die you have to.

now that i got a bike, list left is one or two clothes, jeans and pants. shoes too, nike darts as soon as this shoes totally wears off, and probably a cheap casual shoe too. the rest goes in the travel funds. and repairing the computer. sadly, human wants are neverending. but this should last me awhile, if not for long. i should cut down on transportation and meals outside to lessen fares. save save save cheapskate ftw. the fact that i need money is also the fact i need a job. but how? time consumer and super difficult to get a job.

its hard to miss the fact that's going on in my mind now - i'm hating too much recently. i don't think i can place the blame on others; people are going overboard nowadays and its not about me getting temper issues. dont know why but its been flaring up in me recently, i should just take things as it is, lightly. for what make enemies, for what hate, for what screw things up for nothing. don't be a piss to others and they will be the same to you... hopefully.

hais forever thinking and thinking. honesty might be the best policy, but you gonna learn when to break the rules. know when to lie, learn how to lie, but be sure you don't go over the limits of dishonesty. although the solemnness of this blog depicts a rather 'been-through-a-lot' author, i'm fast to admit that i've still nowhere near the stage where i can say i know all about life.

much more to learn...

2009-11-17T00:23:00.005+08:00

i kinda lose faith of some of my friends already. considered really close friends - despite several quarrels still going strong, albeit inevitably, there's a tinge of dislike lurking around still. it's not like it could be help, no way, however as far as compromises go, i think i've learnt to let go. understand, accept, get used to it. but unsurprisingly, not always does it go as planned. so what, seriously, so what. friends understand each other. but in this case they don't, instead they have the mindset of you changing to meet their expectations. i'm always at the losing end, helplessly brainstorming for solutions, or the easy way out - to just 'fuck it'.

thoughts turned the other direction and inquired - surely you ain't backing down so easily... just a 'little' conflict in opinion and you'll want to break the whole lego bricks. its hard to imagine, yet its hard to accept. i don't want to, but i definitely sense the drifting already.

went to amk today, ended up a wasted trip, stupid job already had enough occupants. wasted super alot of money nowadays, rather senselessly. mostly in fast food, or stupid bus trips. all in an effort to disprove my 'cheapskateness'. thriftiness isn't muchly appreciated nowadays. i'm gonna get a job to earn money and save for future trips. i'm not going to malaysia even though i got 500 bucks. i need a fucking job. but its gonna be damn hard. i hope i get accepted for the duck tours thing. or find another job. its difficult as fuck.

i got a new bike now, gonna use it to save bus fares. but sometimes i hate myself for not being able to cycle properly. sharp turns and people are my weaknesses. irritating, not even 2 days in my tire tube burst. its fucked up. need to get better in cycling, adapt to all circumstances. same as my swimming and... using chopsticks.

got my dpa letter, fucking retarded, i start school at 13th jan?! like fucking retarded i swear. they never even mentioned to me that for dpa applicants there'll be like 3 months of gay preparatory program. seriously no need sia, waste of time. 3 months to rest... and you gonna take that away from me? irritating like hell sia. im gonna try backing out from it, but usually such attempts fail.. i dont have really high hopes. fucked up man. like that i dont feel like working anymore. i'm gonna laze my shortened holidays away. fuck it man.

i dont know what to do during this holidays, but i definitely want to catch paranormal activity. and train.

2009-11-12T21:26:00.004+08:00

i know this blog is boring, but its not the patronizers that i care most about here.
as long as time ticks on, there'll be something new up here in my head for me to rant about. sadly its almost always about the same topic.

i've been contemplating, but my attempts to not give it up yet always failed me. maybe its the incident, that day, that changed the situation. as usual i might be over-interpreting or just being really stupid, but i know myself, just as much as i know what i am able to do. especially when it is you to yourself, its hard to lie, so face it. it won't work out. just won't. so just forget it. no point fighting on so much for nothing. its way too ambitious, and the whole point is nothing but the benefit of yourself. besides, the real reasons lies deep in your heart. can you commit? no. time is the limiting factor too... i don't want to continue living in this delusion. so this ends it. lets maintain as it is.

i find it so much more comfortable sticking to the people who does things i love most together, and people who have been with me all these times. i don't like being restricted, or being with friends that i can't totally be myself. thinking about it, what's the point being with someone that you just can't show your true front to her. or anyone else for that matter. just being with the friends i'm always with, beats everything hands down. no need to feel shy, no need to feel left out. external factors are sometimes you can't control nor alter.
lets forget about the bitterness about friends, graduated already, o's over already, no point picking on the minor minor stuffs. just accept people as they are, as much as they are willing to do the same to you. cherish is a word so regularly used but sad to note that its only a word people say, not an action people carry out.

holidays finally started, feeling the boredom already. however it seems hectic, to have a job. gonna restrict my freedom and jumble up my schedule alot. nonetheless i have to get one, because i have 5 months +/- of free time, and i definitely need to fill those gaps purposefully. not slacking, wasting time away stupidly. yeah i know we're still young, we should enjoy life to the fullest, but working won't take so much away from you. as long as i don't get contract jobs or full-time kind of thing. besides, i need money to buy things. like a bicycle, birthday gifts, clothes. thats all. save up for lisses and london trips in the future.

lessen the bastardry sometimes, be always aware about that very line where things get out of hand. whatever it is, awareness is key in all situations. mentally and physically. spur of a moment, drunk, too high on happiness and laughter, not right state of mind, emotionally affected. thats when things will be done/said without thinking. and that's where things get messy. being 16, there's no excuse of not being able to think for oneself. everything done is within your responsibility.

start watching new movies, shows, hunt for musics, o2mania, games, soccer, pool and bowling, outing with friends, work. that's my holiday's itinerary. good luck to me.
survivor ftw!

2009-11-05T19:43:00.004+08:00

finally, i can blog without the sense of guilt!
never felt so 'light' before, felt i lost 20kgs! what a load lifted from my back...
actually not really lah, i already got dpa.

anyway,
+ve thoughts first, i think i'm gonna start filming alot more, really cannot wait to produce videos.. still remember the fun in making a video people worldwide enjoys so much, finally sia, can get to work. hands on, short film, all these little fun stuffs. hopefully one day i'll get to produce something that is actually something. just hope it doesn't fucking rain all the time arghhh.

o's not that tough despite not putting full efforts in studying, abit complacent i admit, should any A2 or even unfortunate B3s, that'd be the last minute studying of me to blame. but i might stand a chance to hit all As, with a little pinch of luck no doubt, with english and humans. i'll put my full effort for my mcq, to make my science a1 for sure. oh well, just a personal challenge and to get my $300. feeling rather lame, after all the years of practicing physics, i screwed up a simple moments questions, screwed up an emaths question (SIMPLE ALGEBRA), failed to calculate the mole question proper in my maths, and cocked up both coordinates question in my amaths. hopefully those instances of stupidity did not cost me my a1s. hahaha

now lemme think,
i dont know why, but i've been hating alot recently, something that's kinda rare to be honest. but i've grown towards being more assertive now, not wanting to get push over so easily, and getting better comebacks to people's suanings. but forever there's people out there who wants to irritate you don't know wht is myob, or respect others.. especially when you did nothing to instigate anything at all. and its super fucked up. i know its never good to have enemies, what's more at such a timing, but nothing can be helped now, with the fact that they asked for it anyway. still, these people are inevitable in life, through school, ns, and work, you're bound to meet them. hopefully when you're an adult there'll be less such disturbances, albeit, its life to face such adversities and we have to suck it up.

how much of importance, of matter, am i? full of ups and downs. few days your confidence is running on high, but other days its like lo like flo rida. can't even properly entertain, jokes are lame and poor, and at most is just pure bastardry. help? not much. boring? i guess. childish? i'm not sure. what does people regard me as. how much percentage of a good friend will they give. good points outweighing the bad points hopefully, but what am i to judge myself.
being natural is better, but it just can't be, without abit of pressure. pure failure.

don't care lah, just only lah... mind stucked in the middle of this two choices... dilemmas are never easy to settle. one moment you tell yourself its pointless, but thoughts subdue when the opportunities dangles right in front of your face again. i don't know, facing the situation in a clear-headed approach, it just might not work out, but you'll never know if you stand a chance, and could do with some tweaks. and then again, only time will tell... its not a definite yet. but stupidity proved to be really costly at times, i can't believe this could repeat twice consecutively. but i question, why scared?

trying to get closer always seemed to be counterproductive. detrimental. since the past, as usual, my misinterpretation and over-analysis of situations makes things really retarded for me, unnecessarily. assuming too much, acting like i really know what's behind it. argh. holiday's few days away, but that does not mean time can be wasted away. damn, o's over, yet i don't feel very joyous.

anyway, foods for thought~
make things happen, don't wait for things to happen. (shou zhu dai tu)
be the captain of your own ship. (YOU determine your future)
jump and know that a net will appear. (take risks)

2009-10-30T20:36:00.002+08:00

first major half of o's gone.
the difficult half now approaches...
thursday... finally... seems like in reaching distance. we're students suffering from enjoyment-starvation being tied down by the ropes of education. but time ticks and each ticks loosen the knots, until the very last paper, 11 november...

ok, despite being at a really disadvantaged position, and at a rather wrong timing... i'm still contemplating, should i fight on with all odds against me. so long since i've asked myself this, but the answer have never reached an definite, thanks to the waxes and wanes of my optimism, sometimes feeded by false hopes, sometimes weaken by a bad day.
once 5/11 comes, one large barrier is gone, however, there are a bigger one ahead.

no point only gossiping people. gossip about others, wanting to hear gossips from others... but ironically not wanting to admit the (obvious) truth. seriously, if you are one who always poke your noses into people's secret, why so scared to simply admit truth, instead of trying to use it as a taunt. retardedcore.

butting in isn't something nice to do...

lol, seriously now that i see it... i realise how much some people could change... how much the littlest of things could mean to you. the slightest of tweaks in your mindset could mean all the difference in the world. that's how brainwashing works, and how misinterpretation occurs.

we are living in inches. millimetres. nanoseconds.
and we say how could something so simple or minute bear so much effect in the stuffs we do...

i really wish for that chance, just once, maybe it could just work out...

2009-10-28T00:49:00.004+08:00

ok now i understand how sucky it is for a birthday to fall on olevels... people being too engrossed in maths that they forget your birthdates, people unable to find time to buy gifts, people too stressed to celebrate anything. i know, so unfortunate to have during o's, but its ok haha.

advanced: -facebook- gibson mariel
-----
-sms- szekeat zhihong huiying jo ashton daryl
-home- family (x4)
-facebook- stanza glenn huiqi aloysius jaron natalie ish viswa weisheng norman
-in school- guoyuan weikiat pinsheng zhenyi kelvin setho jonathan kaiyang (bastardcore) shaomin mo sheryl clifton jasmine agnes
-kopitiam- gerald regine (only one who sang birthday song seh) joyce
-sms- zahid(action) azhar(no need) joseph (rich people no gifts)
-msn- dblucy
-facebook- weilee woody zack ao alicia qiaolin max mrtan azure taavi denise
-sms- jiamin nart(want to act last person who wish me)
----
belated: -facebook- serene

total count: 57... -16 = 41.
gifts: 0 (but of course i accept belated ones HAHA)

thanks people! i think having birthday during o's's (is this an appropriate case for double 's?) better then having it during the holidays where nobody cares about celebrating with me ('cept AMA of course :D). i've yet to make a birthday wish... but all i wish for is to live happilyyyyyyyyyy

so yes. smile like just only.
and forget about stupid things. stay positive! +++

but, o's still ongoing, spent my birthday playing icy tower, xbox360, eating like helll, youtubing... more icy tower, studying, doing the maths paper of course, and even more icy tower.... and now blogging.. guess what 1.46am already. pure wastage of time.

but, still counting down till 5/11, where its time to party like helllll.. fun fun fun without any sense of guilt, train, slack, play, enjoy, gym (AH!!!), movies, pool, swimming, soccer, class chalet, more trainings (BISHAN AHH!!), filming!, editing videos, facebook, procrastinate, saying no need to azhar, hanging out, talk, sleeeeep, watching liverpool win, music hunt forever, xbox360, anything lah! OMG JUST CANT WAIT.

but, let's not be drifted away nor complacent, get this over and done with first, you'll get your reward soooooooooooon enough.

2009-10-15T19:53:00.003+08:00

final quarter of the last quarter of secondary school life.
get it? get it anot.

:D

in this 4 years, i can only proudly say i've fully enjoyed it thanks to the last few months of sec 4 life (the period after june holidays till now). don't know why, but school life was suddenly much more vibrant, so much changes and differences, i'm starting to feel unity and belonging to a class i never once open myself to. despite splits and clique-ishness around the class at times, we'll still slay the o's harmoniously.

graduation day, cmon tell me i'll still stay in contact with majority of the class. street soccer + basketball meet ups please. class outings next year... more.
i've developed and progressed, got more closely bonded friendship, not just surfacial ones but skin deep. now its time for the increase in height. seriously! ahh. i shall be taller than shaikh.

thank you just everybody in this class. i don't want to name too much names, but whatever.
thank you shaikh, azhar, and shaikh. the 3 no needs in the class who always put a smile on my face each day in school.

now i can understand how important is friendship to humans. time should be cherished, treasured, hold close to your heart... class chalet would be a blast. no matter how much this blog seem depressive approaching the end of this year, it is without a doubt one of the most happiest period of my lifetime. i'm happy with what i am now, and i truly appreciate how the past have been like, and most importantly, how far i came to be and the progress i've showcased.

and hopefully, i hope there's still hope in the hopeful bottom of hope. patience is indeed a virtue.

shit, is it wrong to feel teary?

2009-10-13T23:55:00.002+08:00

7 minutes a day for English.

ankle's not fully healed, now worsened.
quite dumb knowing already that all these trainings with an yet-to-be-recovered twisted ankle is not gonna do any good, especially in facilitating in any form of 'training', but yet my stubbornness continued.

deterioration in all aspects - loss of focus, loss of ability, loss of motivation.

productiveness afew, distractions aplenty.
never seem to be able to let an idea get stucked in my head and last for some time. everytime i do something wrong, it is indeed an alarm to me, however never a long-lasting one. i keep forgetting, in turn repeating mistakes, almost following an endless cycle. i need an constant remainder, some thing alerting me whenever i go, especially when emotions overflow, or the state of mind isn't right, or i'm just not be aware/focused.

depressive the blog may seem, but i'm have more things i should smile than to frown over.
its just that the negatives always outweighs the positives, quite unreasonably.
ironically, texts like these don't reflect the cheerful front i put up in class.
all in an attempt, failure or not, to keep myself up.

cp, there's light in the end of the tunnel.

2009-10-07T20:44:00.003+08:00

alright..
what a big hoo-ha over insignificantly minor situations these days, but its all these bits and pieces that spices up everyday. a bit pointless to get so fed up with stupid remarks by stupid people, as they are too insignificant to make any significance to your life, but it is only when you let them annoy you, its where you make them feel more significant then what they are. for what?

to put it in words, no problem. but to actually feel apathetic to these, not easy. truthfully i gotten myself so frustrated over such nonsense, little passing remarks aiming to put you down, for whatever reasons i don't know. plenty a times i see myself trying to get somebody, anybody that is willing to listening my silly silly rants, major percentage of those are people who just got nothing to do but to want to be the popular lot amongst their friends, and to achieve it despicably by invoking humour from insults. funny they might think, but what's really funnier the way we react, how angry we get ourselves to be, and how bad a losing situation we got ourselves into. and when my mind's finding something more worthy enough to fulfill the empty void, those abhorrent scenes replayed on a looped sequence, and here i go trying to figure witty comebacks to get back on them, but like those people who say the most, i did nothing to salvage anything.

on a brighter side, less then 10 days time they'll be off my nerves, and hopefully never ever to meet them again. so why get so affected.

admittedly im mentally timid, but i know i can deliver so much more then i can, just my mind put myself down ever so often. for what feel scared, for what let yourself be in the losing end, and then feeling so angered and regretting that you had not reacted the way you could've. all due to the lack of standing up for yourself, when its time to do so. letting people step all over you, the laughing stock, the mockery...
split second answers and on the spot comebacks is a handy dandy tool.

on the other hand, i dont know maybe this last week might be the most important week... final chances now, study hard, cherish times, no time to care about those foofarays. this post could be a practice for my compo, needing practice in english and history and ss now. still striving towards solid A1s. complacency refrained.

future.. looks so tasty. jobs with super pays, all doing the things i enjoy, poly, making my own mini movies, training, performing, overseas trips all in 2010, where the burden and sense of guilt will all be lifted. can't wait for 11/11...
so much opportunities lies ahead, making me think that there's no need for rewinding... all these years, no matter harsh life was, no matter the stupid little mistakes i've done, moments of folly. life should be lived forward, there shouldn't be any regrets, everything that came to be made you who you are now... this is life. thinking back really, actually nowadays my life's so much enjoyable, many friends making my day... why must negativity always outweigh positivity, no matter how small a matter is... the importance lies on positivity, but we keep forgetting it, our focus is usually one-sided - to the negative side.

anyway...
improvements quite manifestly seen, restored belief and hope, confidence boost for some.
let's be realistic. let's throw away those wishful delusions - the chances are slim. all these thoughts are mirages, presumably. still, people claims you'll can never be fully certain until you try...

fucking hell do i think alot.

2009-09-29T20:33:00.002+08:00

don't know, don't care, don't bother.
most people think such mindsets are rather negative. i beg to differ. only then life would be less tensed. people care to much about things, place unnecessary load on unnecessary things. misinterpreting the smallest details, and exaggerating a problem. we don't need to know too much, but we should be to quick to judge (rhymes! abit lah.)

i see myself avoiding certain situations, and looking back, seeing how fragile some bonds can be, in disbelief. such a simple factor can cause a huge reversal in perception. i should be wary to 'handle with care'. im still thinking, how much of worth is it.

sometimes i still think how deceptive people can be on the surface or how they portray themselves to be, but deep inside, they know alot more then you can possibly believe... as much as we try to evade it... looks, sadly, has definitely got to be a contributory factor in the society.

2009-09-22T20:46:00.004+08:00

2 weeks left...
it did striked me deep, deep in, upon the thought of all your friends, albeit maybe just built over 2 years +/- and some over 4 years, might just be gone forever. its saddening to note after putting much effort to strengthen the bonds between the two, one day we will let it go.
no longer do we see the familiar faces, that draws the smile on your face each day you enter your classroom. sure we don't talk much, we are schoolmates, but we've been through the same shit given by the teachers day after day, after days.
maybe a relief to those who could finally not see the faces of the ones you dislike.
that's life... i guess. friends come and go. it takes effort to maintain the relationship, and after not meeting up for days, weeks, months... suddenly you feel estranged. hais.

this shows how much stronger traceurs shares a bond together. regardless age, regardless the long time of not meeting, we still are able to converse so much topics under the sky, staying up till late at night, carrying out mischief, as if we know each other so much.

fair enough, 2 weeks now, far too little time to develop things, but its definitely enough time for you to treasure and hold the ones dear near to you. hope that the bonds we've fostered over these years stays intact.

and really, as humans we learn to accept everyone of their flaws. i'll be quick to admit, i might have had frustrated many, but don't have a chance to spot out and correct my wrongdoings. hopefully this ain't too big a 'sin' i've committed. maybe this would sound contradictory, but its pointless to hate.

...
i'm still pondering, if i have any one close enough to consider a 'best friend'.

2009-09-18T20:35:00.004+08:00

what really do i want? what remains is too little time, whats to achieve is too much. especially when i falter each time i try. in the vast thinking world, there's alot to imagine about, sometimes way beyond our limits. but in the realistic world we can only wish. let's stick to the latter, let's not repeat the blunders that you've done before.

im just too bored to even write my thoughts down.

over time, i feel that trusting myself isn't exactly a smart thing to do anymore. i mean well, i've failed myself more times then my fingers can count. being carried away unreasonably, stupidity escalating to bad situations. what i think isn't what it is. i'm putting false analogies, comparing two completely different things, but believing that it links. i'm guilty at times, letting words spill out my mouth when i'm not supposed to do so. whats the point then, if i continue telling others that i can be trusted? nobody likes a bigmouth.

looking at a person whose at the losing end of a relationship. i wonder what could be worse in a relationship then a person loving the other more than the other. pity is the word i could use, but if i were to be wearing his shoes, i'll probably end it all.
sometimes human can be sacrificing so much and yet being satisfied to get this much in return.

still i feel, everything when a person's starts doing wrong, i'm the person that comes back trying to correct what i've erred, i'm the one who initiates the apology (wait, not just apologies, but everything), trying means to mend the bonds we've created, hopefully not ending the friendship just like that. its silly how a supposedly strong friendship falls because of the minutest of things. worth it? no.

realistically speaking, i've alot to improve on. ranges of areas that has room for improvements. actually you can never stop improving, but thats not the point. already only given this much chances, i'm still not taking them to the fullest. always settling for less, but knowing that i wont be fully satisfied. i'm falling back with the one i thought was easier, but i still am not courageous enough to confidently say i can.

habits coming back, slacking too much spending too much wasting time too much. addictions hard to beat, it comes back time to time again, but seriously, haven't been able to control myself at will. posts have been getting more mundane, more monotonous, long insubstantial posts only to confuse readers. i've lost the ability to crack jokes, however cold, in blogpost such as these. just do not have the mood nor inspiration nowadays.

thinking.
to thoughts
to words.

...what's left to wonder is the number of people that reads my probably incomprehensible posts.

2009-09-16T22:21:00.002+08:00

if anything, what irks me the most is people who can't take a joke as a pinch of salt.

results was unexpectedly good. except english, especially when it is my only language subject that has hope. got to maintain, keep up the performance and continue to improve, to my goals of straight As. got 5 As, poa by pure luck a1, science should be a1 but got a2, humans missed by a single point for A1. double maths definitely a1s or not i spent the last few weeks doing papers for nothing.

fuck prelims results, not that important as ultimate goal is still yet to be achieved. let's not get complacent, consistency is key. chey. slacking alot again. time to get back on track.

yes natural, yes without planning. actually that's all that is needed. actually i realise many things when i don't actually think. it just comes boom out from the back. actually i can, its whether you want to or not. actually actually actually.

in life you screw up. but you dont stay screwed up forever.
don't niggle, its a small matter.
its not the end of the world, why get all world-weary and shit.
its called 'move on' for those out there, still stucked in their shell, afraid to risk their every step again, thinking that failure's permanent, when it supposedly serves as a stepping stone.

/minirant to myself, not to anyone.

2009-09-07T23:39:00.003+08:00

im blogging so much more and the wrong time.
blogging spree?

yeah yeah emo, as usual.
do i really seem to be landing myself into troubles? somehow the countless of quarrels that happened between me and another seemed to be instigated by me. and its all rather lame and trivial. or at least i think it is. maybe its due to me not knowing my limits when im joking around, or just doing it at the wrong time. as i've said the other time, its handicapping to a person when he's not aware of his doings. some mistakes are irreversible, even though humans err. that's the harsh essence of life anyway...

sad to know that its always you and you doing the initiating. while the other party waits, does his/her obligations, and then move on with his/her plans. is it really your 'duty'? or are you just too boring for people to be with. always the one to start. exceptions are always about homeworks and studies (alright its better then nothing). once regarded as a good friend but i guess as time past, the feeling of it wears off quick. people change, good or the bad we don't know. that's the harsh essence of life anyway...

you are taking things too seriously. once you are overly conscious of yourself and your every action, you start to feel less natural, hence making it worse off then the start. why bother so much about things, and its always your thoughts that you yourself make, letting it to be the better of you. apathy, remember, its sometimes better. instead of lamely making things harder for you. relax, the tension is unneeded. but all things comes with a price. that's the harsh essence of life anyway...

fuck it man, its time you drop all burdens and forget all things, then focus on what's ahead with a clearer head.

awareness,
apathy,
spontaniety.
then you'll achieve.

2009-09-05T22:54:00.002+08:00

weeks after weeks, i thought i could have this finally solved.
but i just can't.

left it hanging, and hanging, and hanging. not replied, hints here and there, but nothing kept solid.

whats worse is when people said HONESTLY, they reply back PITIFULLY.
taken advantaged but foolishly falling back.
time cannot heal ALL wounds.
too bad, some mistakes are just irreversible.
seriously, irreversible, no matter what - whether you are in the correct state of mind or not.

but im starting to think, why am i trying to withstand all these bad weathers. few dreams, couples of sleepless night, unrest mind. how unsettling, the capabilities of ... to be able to unwind a person. so what about different genders/person/mood. seriously not a good enough excuse. its never fun to be the reason of one's anger. especially when you know there's no reason for it. hah.

questions remains.
fuck it man, if things just can't be settled, then end it for once please. no need to put up a different face, just to put the person in further agony, for what purposes i don't know. too bad i made a wrong STEP, then a wrong MOVE, now believing that i did the wrong CHOICE. can't understand why did i lead myself into such a tormenting state. 'foolish', one word that could never be any more fitting. forget it.
JUST FORGET IT.

if it soothes your heart even better...
thank you soooo much.

2009-09-04T22:18:00.002+08:00

holidays are on, no time to slack.
well of course there isn't meant to be anytime to slack.
this holidays are meant for you to revise and catch up. but i doubt much people will actually really study properly. am i right?

yeah im right handed.

so holidays = 9 days + today to slack so i guess i should be doing something when the free time given. studying is a must, everyday 2hours, maybe except weekends. but must really get myself doing things. boredom shouldn't exist at all, neither shall procrastination.
i've planned, definitely few travels to cck, bishan, sengkang for trainings. of course tampines, gonna film shit and shit are to be filmed. then sending my camera for repair end of hols. maybe 2 boxfit sessions. buildering missions are the shit!

movies. argh, need good films, any recommendations. 21 is one of the best film i've seen, mr khan recommended it last year haha, bet you guys didnt watch it because too noob to torrent. then shutter, film back in 2004, the best horror film hands down, storyline and directing is just ace. dare you guys to watch it at the night, lights off, speakers loud, alone. horror have never become so real... but really its an amazing film. who wants to watch with me again.
pixars are good films, but i hate lame films such as pirates of the carribeans, xmen, saw, superman returns, batman begins, action movies just don't make the cut for me. so does romance. boringcore. comedies like jim carrey is good, exceptions here and there, snowboard films as usual (isen7 ftw man, best inspiration ever)... and i need to stop the ramblings.

i think especially when im an aspiring filmmaker, you gonna need to expose yourself to films. so i need to watch more. meaningful ones. nice ones. interesting ones.
and after o's i shall be working on films, storylined, conceptual, in depth. and yeah i do have some video editings to do.
not CP: in motion 2, kids.

bet you guys don't understand a shit! too bad. cannot blame stupidity.

i shall have no excuse to overuse the computer, cursoring directionless, wasting time and electricity. prioritise priorities.

hoho, i wonder. i really do need life skills, not just things and i can show for fun. practicality. studies is not one of them. but it seems that i'm excelling at that matter. whereas others are struggling even though they worked hard. or did they? back to tppic, blame myself for not starting from young. but its never too late to start...

please can the news stop talking about michael jackson... he's dead, long dead, and he has been the topic of the media for the past 2 or 3 months. thought no one cared about him being a child abuser and having a scary face, but look at how hypocritical people turned out to be after his 'shock' death. he is a pop legend, but what makes him a person to be mourned for weeks and months to come.

...sadded by the fact there's no soccer tomorrow, damn the international breaks.

2009-09-03T19:53:00.003+08:00

lalalala.
don't know if teachers are clever anot, by dragging the release of our results till the end of sept hols. then september holidays don't know what to improve on, woolulu or what?
what lah obvious.
but must chiong papers. i never say phua hor.
been slacking too much now, don't feel the motivation to move now, let alone travel distances.

i think we should not listening to music too often. usually the songs you really like, are songs you really like at the start but if you keep listening to it, it gets mundane, and the lesser you will like it. but in fact it is an amazing song, just that you listened to it so much the percentage of its appeal diminish, just like that. maybe, just maybe, that could be a reason why listening to mp3 too much is bad, added with a risk of damaging your ears(?). well there's a price to pay with everything. argh, why must there be disadvantages all the time.

enough is enough i guess.
yet another lapse - i tend to misinterpret things, landing myself in unintended troubles just like that. sometimes your thoughts are not exclusive, while on the flipside, your thoughts does not reflect the same as others. of course, hopes and wishes are merely just that, don't expect your fantasies to translate into reality. being overly conscious about your actions only decreases spontaneity, and contradictorily heightening awkwardness.

2009-08-30T17:46:00.002+08:00

liverpool forever...
reminiscing the past, back to primary 3 days, where i started supporting liverpool, for no reasons whatsoever, just a team that i like then. my father always watches soccer, since the 80's, so whenever he watches soccer, i watched it too. soon soccer developed to be an interest in me, having soccer as my cca. of course as time moves on, my love for liverpool deepens.

primary 5 and primary 6. one of the greatest years of the liverpool. they aren't that successful in the league but they owned in champions league. i remembered waking up in the middle of the night just to watch liverpool. vs olympiakos, a must win match, but liverpool were trailing by a goal to nil at halftime, and they needed 3 goals to proceed to the next round. goal scored not long after the second half whistle, and 2 more goals required. 10minutes left on the clock, my hope is running low, but out of the blue, neil mellor scored the 2nd goal. 1 more. and of all people, stevie g had to be it. with a screamer, i literally hopped around my living room, joyous, and waking my mother up too.
that was just the start. they proceeded to the final. and they were 3 goals down at half time. i fell asleep at the first half. again the match is at 3am. but i still made efforts to wake up to watch it. my father told me to sleep because "liverpool lose already lah". i didnt care and watched the 2nd half and, in the space of 6 minutes, liverpool levelled things up. i told my father "yah lose already!". of course i was damn happy, and was hoping that liverpool could kill the match, but to make things dramatic, it had to end with a shootout. dudek owned, liverpool got their 5th champions league title. that is my proudest moment for liverpool. i could not sleep that night.

of course there were more, including the last gasp screamer against west ham for the fa cup (gerrard again), and last year, liverpool was impressive with the never-say-die mindset. so close to win the league, but at least we weren't far off. the double over man utd, the match of the season against arsenal, the incredibly dramatic late night match against chelsea in ucl, not forgetting the huge number of comebacks, showing the unpredictability of a soccer match. that's what make soccer so exciting. the drama beats all.

many people say its only soccer, just 22 players chasing a ball. wow. but still millions of people watch soccer. and even the biggest team against the underdogs, people would still watch full 90 minutes of it, when the results seemed to be obvious. that's because they are just missing out.

this year's start liverpool sucked, i can't admit i don't get upset when liverpool lose a match, but dont worry i'm no die-hard fan who curses or skips school whenever they lost. but my support for liverpool will still go a long way as a fan will stick through the thicks and thins of their club, no matter what.

whatever the people say... liverpool will still be the best club in the world.

2009-08-25T21:09:00.002+08:00

-__________-

exams? i don't feel any stress, still can play computer, still can blog, still can make video. :D
olevel then say lah hor.

sleepless nights. dreams. thought it wouldn't affect but hell, it sure did. maybe it made me realise how important this is to me. too bad im too ashamed (for whatever reasons why) to face it straight up. i still have this thing in me. everytime when i want to settle stuffs with a person face to face, i would think of the huge array of stuffs that i want to say, and feel like as if so determind to owned or settle shit, but when it comes to the real thing, i will tend to hold back words. or never say anything at all. just leaving myself even more frustrated, regretted etc. and i still can't, i still feel abit restricted when i'm talking and my topics are so damn limited. and my mind will blank out and kinda feel that the words that the words i use is crap.. and then you know, the cycle continues.

this is the reason why i hate people dao. although i might take forever to reply sms, or never reply at all, or not pick up calls at time, i hate the people who do just that. or worse, pretend to hear nothing from you in real life. its not about fearing rejection, but the feeling is like telling you "who fucking cares what you are talking about woolulu".

dwelling is never a way to solve things, doing is.
ok lah, lets drop all doubts and do what you KNOW it is right.

i'm gonna study man, like after prelims haha. finally got a new video to refresh things. listening to plenty of awesome songs. after this prelims i shall relax all i want for awhile, before facing the results and figure out what topics i need to work on. need to get into contact with all my pk friends, and then, go full swing on studies. no mood nowadays to do anything, sleeping and playing computer only. facebook is randomly addictive. so is youtube.

ok im gonna tell myself less emo posts. less worries. more confidence, more happiness.

2009-08-22T19:47:00.005+08:00

my blog posts seems to get emo-er and emo-er as days goes by.
whoever reads? i don't care... at least this is a verbal punching bag, or a written one.
i like how my blog is plain and just black and white. boring, just the way i like it. wooooooo

let me think.
one biggest personal flaw is... i always tell myself to do things, but will be a little afraid, fearing for whatever shit (irrational fear), then i just say "fuck it, just only." and then things ends up worse then how it started. then i will spend a whole night thinking about it, think and think, over interpret, and in the process possibly misinterpreting shit, triggering stupidity. i just can't think properly? and if i think and will always misinterpret stuffs that makes me fear more. and when my aim is to cancel out fear, all these seems paradoxical.
which means i like to worry too much about small things causing me to assume stuffs (that is often not true) being carried away with my thoughts, then behaving unreasonably and foolishly. then end up regret. this becomes a cycle, repeating itself.

sometimes when people say 'i don't care', means they care like hell. seriously. if they wouldn't care they won't even say that. people only say that so that they stop thinking about it, but its honestly hard to lie to oneself for too long. fuck, i hate angering people because of that fact that i know even a well-maintained relationship will burst into flames, leaving scars which takes alot of time and effort to be healed. its another thing about me that i just seemed to be unable to settle things, if i quarell, most of the time i'll leave things as it is, then relations will drift apart, for sure. is it just me? but like this, i have to give in all the time, and its really unfair. i don't want to blame others, but when im completely innocent, what am i supposed to do? falsely admit that is my fault and blah. wow.

never be too quick to judge. judging is a bad thing, you must always have an open mind. see possibilities from all angles. not just one, not always the positive/negative side of a person. and you know looks can decieve. you need to understand the inside out. time, lots of it, is needed to tell how a person really is. so never rush, rushing just makes things worse. things like this can't be rushed. and don't just judge skin-deep, judge whats within. i've made a stupid mistake... something so obvious that's wrong. fuck infatuations, and its misleading thoughts culminating in such a state. but it's pointless to keep chiding myself of my foolishness when i've already commited it. mistakes aren't meant to be repeated, but i'm doing the complete opposite.

i should wake up, and i have a brain so i should use it. such poor awareness in life can be impeding, both mentally and physically.

well you know what? i don't care. mustn't affect life, mustn't affect studies. will reserve my attention for stuffs that require my attention.

btw i said i dont care more then once in this post and you should actually know the point i'm driving at now.

2009-08-20T00:03:00.002+08:00

i achieved the impossible. for once i thought there's no way up this mountain, its just far too high to even think of ascending it. but it's conquered now. one down, six to go. and that is all the matters, for now i could finally say, without guilt or doubt, that its all over. i've passed my chinese. achievement unlocked. this feeling of accomplishment is beyond measure, no longer do i have to face six lessons of dread a week.

that being said. i shall place more focus the remaining topics, as thats the only language which i still have hope for, and since my chinese is horrendous, it is highly important to compensate that by strengthening my english language. starting on o level's english oral. tomorrows the start of prelims. let's get this over and done with - well. this shall be the starting point of the big Os. september and october is the months to go all out, full swing, to get the best grades possible out of the six subjects left. although it doesn't really affect much... i already accepted the dpa offer. hahaha.

let's see, being an 'I' personality person, my 'biggest fear' is rejection. well to be honest nobody likes rejection, obviously. so to be faced with such, disappointment is inevitable. but as the saying goes, "don't cry over spilled milk," much to the relation of the fact that brooding over rejection is pointless. regret nothing, no i don't regret anything. i have at least tried, attempted, and taken the very first steps, and that's enough to soothe myself. people never even had the chance, or the guts if that fits right. maybe, its just infatuations and the usual daisies of relationship nowadays. what's more, i might not be even prepared, and its just the wrong timing. my mind's exhausted, it doesn't help to burden it even more. i wonder why would i think of stuffs like these and when it gets ironed out, i'll feel foolish. am i?
but the problem now lies if things can readjust back to normal.

i'm in a guilty lot of those people who just like making trouble out of nothing. it might seems funny for awhile, or a way to attract attention before their friends, but trying to 'bastard' people like even a passing remark or a hand action does leave a certain imprint into someone's mind, and it just ruin their mood. until one realizes that its, as with many things, pointless to care so much about the niggling, trivial, unimportant matters. no point letting them succeed in their aims. seeing you all chagrined to their delight. for what? i question. as with many things in life. i shall reserve my attention to things that requires my attention.

whatever. /rant

2009-08-10T01:53:00.003+08:00

......
ok, human changes, and i fall easily to persuasion and am subject to change very much.

i suddenly feel the itch to play soccer, i mean i always liked it, but i now like it alot more... and i'm not that good, so its time to train abit to sweat your stress away. team sports are sometimes fun and alot more competitive - upping the intensity of the game, tingling in adrenaline and excitement, therefore more fun. but it just sucks when it goes down to blames. i mean team sport - everyone is ONE. it is never fun to shoulder the derogatory remarks from your teammates, demoralising you in the most crucial of times.

watched 'up' on friday. been quite a while since i watched a movie that i like. that really has meaning. quite a good show. and i'm going to watch 'where got ghost' next week. movies are something that i should engage in... if i want to know what it really takes to be a director, especially if i aspire to be one.

maybe at the start, when you get to know someone or something, there's a bunch to know, learn, talk, experiment, try... list goes on. example, the more you play a game the more boring it gets, because its the same old thing. all becomes routinal, mundane, repetitive. of course there are variables. but ultimately, interest of something wears off proportionate to time. i guess it applies to people as well. i'm not saying thats a good thing... hopefully i get back into touch. as i said, variables, that is what keeps boredom away.

going out there, feeling alive. to fight against gravity, to slightly defy the laws of physics... pushing all mental boundaries, to alter your mind to believe further then just what seems. sometimes when you achieve something you've been eyeing for... it reminds you the essence of how things work - hardwork equates success. it is conspicuous that my lifestyle isn't the sort an average joe would settle in, neither is my style of blogging, but everything is sailing just fine.

seeing others in relationship and the things they do, sometimes if things just works out it can be an incredibly good thing. if there are less restriction and more freedom, less expectations and more open, and less secret messages and more understanding on both sides. sometimes your minds a mess, in a dilemma, wondering what to do... i guess it takes time to settle it all. its always better to get into business with a sorted mind.

prelims oh prelims. i admit i've been abit exhausted in the studying sense as i've taken more time out for activities to relieve stress on. i wouldn't say im struggling badly, but i have no been doing any revision, despite prelims in like 10 days. olevel orals, too. shucks, i need to start studying. and i vow to myself, to go on full swing after prelims, i swear im going to work hard. cut down on training time, slacking time, playing time - alot. o's aint a game... and you only got one chance. a final chance.

will things ever work out as planned.
seems like wishes and hopes are merely that - wishes and hopes.

2009-07-31T22:30:00.002+08:00

Thought one.
I now know. I now realise. I now understand.
Main reason of quitting NCC - the mockery.
Main reason of my dislikes of certain classmates during the lower secondary times - the mockery.
Main reason of people I hate - the mockery.
Partly.
No way. Why bother about the comments made from people who are just too insignificant. The ostracising that takes place right in front of me, which I can fully symphatise. But why, did I let it affect me till this extent? Looking at how others deal with the situation, I'm just put to shame. How easily I give up over such a little matter. All these trainings, what did it taught me? Perseverence, patience, not pessimism. Ironic, it seems, but yeah. In life you have to be thick skinned, and learn to take heavy criticism. This is how life goes. Nobody likes it, but why do you need to care so much about it. Every single opportunity took, mock and mock and mock. They find such joy over such lame matters - tells you alot of their maturity. Well, if you don't like the people don't mix with them, but don't get affected by them. What importance do they weigh in your life. Enough said.

Thought two.
Too bad, life's no longer one that you could take you own sweet time, to dilly-dally your day away, especially in this country you're living. Breather? What breather, this no such thing as having a breather here. Everything is moving at full speed, you don't even get time to 'stop and stare', admiring the things around you. Patience? In modern times, patience is naught. Everything people wants, people gets, at the very instant. Fast food restaurant. Eat it quick - No time to savour. I'm guilty of that, I'm the one who looks rushed and wants to get things done quickly, and the time saved from it? Waste it. In the end, what's the use?
Watching my household paper calendar gets thinnier everyday...

Thought teh ri.
So unlike me. But really, is this what I want. Maybe not, but hopefully this is the direction of life I am heading towards.

---
Less of the emotional thoughts and talk with less emotions involved...
I am hoping to go through the main course that I want to, NP FSV. Need to start researching about it. SP Interview was kinda crap but I didn't really wanted the course anyway. And I've been playing soccer today, and the joy in it stays. Although I suck in it. Life does not let me train much these days, but ok. Life hasn't been that colourful this week.

You guys should go to facebook and check my statuses to really know whats really going on in my life. Long facebook statuses for the win.

2009-07-26T01:41:00.008+08:00

1) My grandfather used to say that to me: “You need to use it and not abuse it.”

These are phrases that come back to me all the time. In those moments when I ask myself questions, I tell myself, “But this settles it. I've was told.”

You can’t be a jackass all the time. You can’t ... You can’t play with your body like that. There’s a moment when you need to follow rules. There are laws of physics.
---------------------------
2) People who are like: “Did you see? He’s on the wall of the school?” and everyone goes, “He’s not supposed to be there. Oh la la!” It’s people who are giving the impression that you’re doing something wrong.

But you’re like, “What’s the matter?”

If a cat comes along, or a bird sits up there, you’re not going to throw rocks at it. It’s a living thing. It has a heart beating inside it. Why then just because I am person and I can speak, well now you'll say, “Oh you know you’re not supposed to be there, you know. What are you doing on that wall?”
---------------------------
3) Like someone - I keep coming back to combat - the guy is there in his club. He’s done his drills all year. Hop. He made his display. One day he gets into trouble. There’s a lot of pressure. The other guy isn’t talking to him like his teacher because it doesn't matter that he does martial arts, and he only wants him to know that if he doesn’t give him his wallet right now, he’s going to get messed up. And the guy, he panics.

You want to say, “Hey! Wake up! What have you been all year? Didn’t you train for this moment?"

“Yeah, but now I don’t know, because I’m paralyzed by…”

“Well you didn’t learn anything then. It’s useless.”
---------------------------
4) I think the fear will always be there. But there will be a moment when you will have the confidence, that right when you are about to do a jump, you say, “I’ve practiced this 500 times right beside, and in that 500 times I never bailed. Why am I now I worried that I’m going to fall?”

Because fear makes us lose our memory sometimes.
---------------------------
5) There isn’t really anything you can do to protect yourself from danger or to avoid risk. Life is already a risk. Life is a permanent risk. We take risks all the time when we speak to people. When we engage with someone and trust them, we are taking a risk.

So the trick is to be aware of it and live with it.
---------------------------
6) That’s knowing yourself. Setting goals and attaining them. Because if we don’t have goals, we’re just floating in the wind and we don’t know why we’re moving. And when we have found a reason for what we’re doing, even if we move into other areas that are not Parkour - artistic areas or in life - well, we will already be in the habit of finding meaning.

All the questions that they ask me about Parkour… They ask, “Why are you doing this? What is the…” As though it’s hidden in the philosophy, or in the movements that you are working on.

But if you look at a monkey... If you were to stop him at the moment he's in the middle of doing a jump, you pres pause and then you ask him, "Why are you doing this? Why are you moving?" I think the the monkey would answer, "Any you? Why are you NOT moving?"

- Words from the man himself, DAVID BELLE

2009-07-21T20:14:00.004+08:00

friends do require a little bit of personal heart to heart talk.
it is those few times when you hang out till late at night, and come up with conversations after conversations of great lengths and details, is when thoughts are exchanged and understanding between the two deepens.

2009-07-17T20:51:00.003+08:00

no need sia,
just only,
aik.

3 most irritating 'catchphrases', all is needed to irritate the heck out of any idiots. wooooooooo.

been unlocking alot of recent achievements recently, so its kind of, have been some of the better weeks of my life, although its exhausting. energy level started to decrease, need potion.
but still must keep up with the pace of studies, starting to feel the strain in it. olevel fever. whululu.

just chatting with friends and all, and we all know everyone have their unique flaws and imperfections - whatever you call it. maybe as friends, we are supposed to put up and get used to such shortcomings of an individual. i don't know, theres no one person you can deem perfect could you? maybe it takes some time to know, truly, an individual, not a day not a week not a month, but more. or does it.

hmmm, does my mind just keep coming up with weird thoughts. mind tricks, argrhgasd

yeah i seriously got nothing to blog about today. so shalap.

2009-07-11T21:56:00.002+08:00

woolulu woolulu.

in two more days. time flies, as usual.
socialising skills leveling up. gaining alot of experience points... so its not that hard after all.
simplicity in happiness. happiness in simplicity.
somehow i feel that feeling of being with a friend, and making new friend, knowing how much you could gain if you are willing to make the first move. developing slowly, from then. mission accomplished. but the game is not over yet.

i shall not let my mind wander and ramble on. FOCUS.

study! study! study!
soon i want to feel that i just got no time to waste. so i would stop computer for fucks sake.
by flooding myself with cluster papers and more papers.
next week will be incredibly packed. and then after that i will still need to fork in time to catch up. i only can have one day of play in a week, that is on one of either weekends. humans need rest. 3hours minimum everyday, maybe 1-2hours of computer and thats eat.

submitted my dpa. just an attempt. it might not turn out in my favour... so hoping for the best, prepared for the worst (studying hard). should get ready for portfolio, too.

chinese oral failed.
time management failed quite.
but who cares. there's more achievements that would easily outnumber the flaws and falls. aik.

hoping and looking forward for the change for the better.
its still not too late yet.

(its fun to describe life as a game, looking at how similar virtuality and reality could be, in certain contexts.)

2009-07-06T18:26:00.001+08:00

maybe what nazir said was true.
apathy is a relief on its own.
we place too much bother over small niggling issues in our mind. which our brain overinterpret, making the issue grow even bigger, when it is not even true at all. if we keep getting ourselves affected too easily, our head will forever be heavy. and you'll tumble over. don't care about it, ever at all. its all thanks to the complexity of our brain, that comes up with ridiculous possibilities and logics, but still would strike you deep, because of the fact that you keep thinking about it. the more you let yourself get sunken into it, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

give the thought up,
that your mind drew.
stop assuming things,
that are never true.
it will only haunt you.
what a way to sum up the post in a poem. stupidity generates creativity.

your mind is a constant enemy to battle.
haven't been able to break it up.
money being spent unwisely. i'm not rich, but i'm spending it on unnecessary things. fast food for example. spending it on overly expensive unhealthy meals that gives the fleeting sense of delight, but hardly replenishes energy and only fattens you. of what good does that gives? why succumb to temptation? as it is with this computer. and studies.

heavier sense of guilt each day. but it only motivates me after i do it. whats the point?

school's tomorrow. 3 days break. slacking too much. the days will get better. you just have to focus on the thing on hand, speak up, look up, focus. just only. realise the importance.
7 more days till the main event.

haven't been able to come up with some study time table. o's level grades staring in my face. nah its not impactful enough. glanced but gone the next second. need more post it notes.

i'm trying my luck with the dpa.
and being on tv?

maybe i should stop daydreaming.
my posts are sounding more and more gloomy and bored.
i'll change that, if i stop drifting off my goals.
but as if people would read my blog.

so i should just go ahead and do my priorities and tasks assigned.

oh look, i got tag by some advertiser. too bad i dont blog shop.

2009-07-03T21:45:00.003+08:00

dear me,

looking back, i cant believe how i get to where i am now.
we all had times that we felt so pissed as we screwed something up, did a (deadly) mistake, or just something that you really wouldnt have wanted to happen, you just want to rewind. rewind that shit. "IF ONLY I COULD TURN BACK TIME.."
but knowing that "what's done is done", you got no choice but to "let bygones be bygones" and "learn from your mistakes". its a recurring trend. if we could just rewind with a click of a button, i tell you, who wouldnt. from birth to current, we make mistakes. but we must learn from them, act upon them. as life is always moving forward, its irreversible. whats more, the 'mistakes' you made might actually lead you to the better.

+ positively,
i never had real outside friends. mostly school friends. but i discovered otherwise when i tried new things. and up to now, the friends i met in jams, have influenced me so much. opened up a new sector in my life. to know everyone from the different walks of life, united because one thing. and my social life deepens... thank you pksg. i would not ever not enjoy each saturday's jam session. it always have been fun, fun and fun. and more fun. in 10 days time, jam's just gonna be so damn awesome.

- negatively,
my problem is that i keep repeating the same mistakes. addiction -> temptation -> habit.
maybe i stop. when i feel really guilty. and then i say, hey ive done enough studying, hey ive stopped for quite some time. maybe its ok to use awhile. then the whole cycle repeats again. sounds so much like smoking. but relax it isnt. i just cant afford to settle for less. more more more studying. less less less playing.
all my words sounds ever so contradictory. and stupid. and pointless.

and sidetracking,
continuing from the game of words.
i dont want to blame anyone. maybe its my fault, just that i dont know or dont realise. but it has to work both ways. and then, it could be just overinterpretation. there's nothing to be afraid of, but everything takes time isnt it. "slowly, but surely".
trying my best to be an individual that would like to be with. hopefully what's ahead is smooth sailing. i also might want to perform for this years teachers day concert. if i got time, and if i got it on time. just once for the last.

thoughts flooding my mind again.
i bet nothing of these make sense.
only dollars.

and, fuck you comp.
bongbong.

2009-07-01T19:07:00.004+08:00

the 2nd half of 2009 starts today.
hell yes it was fast.
inching ever closer to the o's.

but i've felt never in my life so motivated. got to keep this momentum all the way. troubles balancing my time with gym and training, but have to find all ways possible. limit computer time to just less then 2 hours. and cut out slacking time, focused and productive use of time all day round. social life is developing, was a drastic change when compared to about 1 or 2 months back, and i got to thank jonny for that.
maybe its because i realise its time to just let down all silly thoughts that would never happen, something that are never true, just overthinking resulting in stupid thoughts that put your morale down. but you always thought its true, making it a self fulfilling prophecy. all these while im lying supine, staring blankly towards the ceiling, and my mind's narrated itself.

no longer am i afraid to make a fool of myself, and to approach, to initiate. at least not as bad anymore. i shudder at the thought of talking. how much is your face worth? thicken it. in life, you might only have one chance to do something, stakes might be high but if you never take the risk, you'll never know what you would had missed. don't be afraid of anything. fear is only an emotion. and try everything. face your dislikes, your hates, your fears. but of course, don't be reckless. one step at a time.
i might say i had improved from the past, but what awaits me is more challenges, ahead of more challenging challenges.

i got a new phone. yay. finally i can listen to music on the go. but i wanna renew more things. next on the list - new hair. :D

chinese orals coming soon. then listening not long after. sure i am nervous. got to need to realise the importance of being bilingual.

basically all days from now i'm gonna keep on doing tys, cluster papers, homeworks, revising. working towards my goal. hopefully o's will then be a breeze.

believe, cp, believe.

2009-06-27T12:27:00.002+08:00

guilt?
very much so.

i hate the feeling of guilt.
what motivates me is guilt, at times.
once i feel overly guilt spending money, i stop.
once i feel guilty not doing anything, i go down and do something.
but.
sometimes we know that something is wrong, but we still do it.
temptation, kills.
addiction, kills.
thus making them a habit, double kill.

we all could discern rights from wrongs.
what we are supposed to be doing right now,
and what we shouldn't be.
but we would rather do something that doesn't require any hardwork or moving our butt.
and we prefer to joy over hardwork, obviously
lazy beings.

knowing that there are time for everything,
and knowing when and where to do things,
and knowing your limits.

focus on what's important.
you can use the computer for all you want without much sense of guilt in 4 months time.
right now, you should do things thats productive.
and not waste time, at all.
the smallest of things, will have their due time.

FOCUS ON WHATS IMPORTANT.

2009-06-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

i felt that i was at the edge of death many a times but this one really stood out to me.
how eerie it is to imagine that if i was just a little less attentive or the car driver would have abit more faster or if he hadn't honked at that time, i wouldn't actually be typing all this things anymore.
ask zahid, i was at clarkequay, and i saw him jaywalking to the other side on a traffic light, so i thought it was green. so i went ahead, not looking to my left (where the cars are coming from). of all the other things of not to be alert on, i did it on a busy roadside, jaywalking. i heard the honk and was SO DAMN LUCKY to still be living.

and this suddenly struck me, so i just had to translate it into words that you would be seeing now, in the monitor. fucking hell, never did death struck me so hard in the back of my head, since that incident.

tell me i hadn't been lucky in life.
did i tell you that i got banged by motorcycle while crossing a zebra crossing and i managed out of it almost unscathed? its fucking true.

2009-06-24T19:46:00.004+08:00

emo emo emo.

30 hours of motivational workshop. compulsory? damn it. got to be yet another time waster. could've been outside training, or what. but no, it was well worth, in fact i wanted more. if it's not for this, probably i would have spending the 30hours facebooking, youtubing, slacking the day away with no meaningful purposes. so what's there to lose, now that i think of it. its always the negativity and thoughts of how boring it would be in the first place that makes us dread so much about it. same goes for my vietnam trip, and sec2 camp. luckily i went, or i'll lose out so much.

its not a motivational workshop by any means i guess, but just some kind of life-learning workshop. there're full of real stories (hopefully), and the coaches can speak on and on. thats what made this workshop really fun. it's cool to know and understand the stuffs that life had thrown to them, and how the got on with it. deep, true and touching stories. imagine two of your best friends commit suicide, and to know that you got a real friend.
we're 16. no longer young anymore. old enough to think for ourselves, and could decide how you would respond to a given scenario. and if we think we have so much time to dislike or to hate a person, its probably time to wake up, and realise the immaturity, stupidity and pointlessness in it. granted, i had such cases before, but i am not too shy to voice it out. salleha, jaron (and whoever else that i had offended). if you ever even read my dull blog, you would probably know what i am talking about, the things that happened in the past. sorry for whatever that happened.

it had to be it. 4 more months, a tough battle ahead. and if we are truly bonded, we should 'slay the giant monster' together. its obvious to note, our class isn't very united, knowing that half of the class did not turn up for the science centre outing, and the usual clique-ishness our class have. 4 years of secondary school life, and it all boils down to the much dreaded o's. we had lasted this far, made our way all the way here, surely we don't want all our efforts built up in the past years to go into waste. and we don't want to live anyone behind. the feeling absolutely sucks. finally got to talk to some of classmates i never used to talked to, and now i'm socialising as much as i can. this is the last 4 months, so we should cherish the times together, hard. we don't want to have any regrets.

the last day (today) of the workshop was probably the most motivated one. first part i felt rather happy, as i've talked to the class by myself. last part had me to tears. tried to held them back, but its just too hard. i am emotional, when emotions build up, there's the tendency i'll let go. don't like it. but i dont go into depression or stress or whatever. too bad i dont have the courage to go up there to speak, and i probably can't, tears will just fall endlessly. admire the mental strength of hoeyin, kaiyi, and all that went up.

thats the several things that my mind got intrigued by.
some changes to be had. and it should be started, immediately. time, as you've heard time and again, is running out.

finally a long post i've written here, right?

2009-06-23T22:02:00.002+08:00

just find it so hard to reject a person. 'no' is a forbidden word.
what if one asks you out? inside deep in you, you don't want to put down their deal, it'll be bad, especially if you want to go but just someone already asked you to watch that same movie. but if you had said yes, you cannot change your mind because if you do, its just being a bastard. and if you said no, you are also being a bastard, somehow.

and guess what, this is the last week of the holidays. nothing productive done in the holidays, homeworks not finished. no extension week. still not motivated at all. time is running out.

waste time properly...

2009-06-17T21:21:00.002+08:00

everyday passes like nothing. so damn repetitive. but i just have to find something fulfilling each day. june holidays soon to be over, but still there stuffs to look forward to come july. just a few. gotta study study study, train, study, train.
half a year, about to be gone. another half to go. and i'm almost there.

do you know those people who are never sad, always cheerful even when they are met with negative stuffs, burdens, etc.? its not they are never scolded or rejected or quarelled, but just know how to deal with the ups and downs of life. face it positively, in all circumstances. JUSTTTTT. its all part of life's experience.
no time in life to feel frustrated or down.
no time. just no time. also, no point.

do you learn something new everyday?

2009-06-10T20:44:00.002+08:00

its always like that.
admit it, we will face quarrels and fights at home and outside some times, just one of the things life throws to your face and ask you to settle it.
and, whoever throw the first fist is definitely in the wrong.

seeing so many violence portrayed in the media, even your own parents, surely there's an inclination towards a brawl when situations just gets out of hand. nobody in the sane would ever want such occurrences and the ever need to use the arms and legs of yours, abusively. but when in a tiff, your mind is just concentrating on 'winning' the situation, and when a war of words just don't work out, violence is the substitute, and in most cases the one who's dominate wins. at least that's how one feels. but you know, its a loss. guilt overwhelms you, and you know it.

we always like to point fingers at each other, never admitting that its actually our own fault at the damn first place. its about who's in the wrong, but no humans wants to admit. thick skinned, full of ego, or just a screwed up thinking that they're never wrong. and even then, its probably too late, and it wouldn't matter much already. its hard to maintain peace in a household or in school, no matter how much we try to uphold.

fighting is a skill. definitely one that is much more practical. just people knowing that you're capable of such, instils fear into them. escaping is just something you'll use once but it can't be settled once and for all. self-defense can. its only when such incidences took place right in front of your eyes, you realise the importance of such skill. just like most things in life.

i don't like fights and quarrels, and i bet no one does. there's no point, like most things are. what's the point to show that you're the better one? no one cares about it, and they hate such people too. just common sense would tell you that gaining 'power' through respect rather then brute force is the right way to go. and its making things harder for each other, and just making a mountain out of a molehill. especially when the other is just asking for it. its tempting, and out of pique, you'll just want to fight and win, or whatever.

flashbacks of your happy, innocent, troubles-free memories. it just happens.
and you know you just don't want such stuffs to ever happen again, thinking about how stupid the thing is and why must it even happen.

if only everyone just can stop wars.
knowing that settling it properly is even harder.

2009-06-09T20:26:00.002+08:00

as sporadic thoughts brimmed my mind, i believe that the best option to handle it is to pour it all out, converting its form to words on your monitor. such thoughts that would only seem like ramblings, making no sense.

i'm walking on the path. and of course, many obstacles will pop out, making me use my mind to overcome it. many people's mood would be dampened once those 'obstacles' come out. wrong way to see it. its not obstacles, but rather stepping stones.

optimism. just look forward into life, and things will eventually go your way. what's the point of life when everything comes easy? such challenges is what makes life colourful and worth living. no point dreading. the sense of achievement will be overwhelming, when you know you have put your heart and soul into something. work hard, but steadily. use time to your maximum - settle things before using the comp. there's much more important stuffs out there, the little things deserves apathy.

simplicity is happiness - if you still didn't get the picture.

gonna need to work for prelims, then o's.

2009-06-08T19:43:00.006+08:00

"LIFE SUCKS! Lifes is suck!11!!1!!"
they don't have a clue, of how terribly fortunate they are. but just because of this and that, they moan and cry over, saying their life sucks. don't say i haven't been through the kind of nonsense you guys faces. emo emo emo, thinking how bad life is for me, the years that had been the hardest for me was around sec 1. but what struck me was some soul-searching. think about the others who weren't merely as lucky as you people. they don't even have parents. just think.

what for stress your life over the simplest of things.
humans usually complicate and exaggerate things.

这是什么? 我在写华文? 哈哈。
我们应该尊重别人的兴趣，比如做些像猴子的动作，或则追求偶像 (像我的真的姐姐和我的假的妹妹)，如果那是他们所喜欢做的事，为什么你要管这么多！你可以反对 - 人们都有分别的看法。可是说来说去，接受朋友的热情是最好的方式。
哎呀，写华文每个人都听/看得懂，不好玩。而且写得很辛苦,也很拦。我写英文才好吧。。。呀呀。
pure anyhow write.
ok i shouldnt be racist, and make my words in english so the anti-pork humans can understand it. right, zahid? left. middle.
all im saying at the above is, everyone have every different opinions, but respect each of them.

money money, i need money. i so want to go france, london, liverpool.. just can't imagine what's it like to be there. but i don't have money. should i work? or would it take too much of my time. but what am i doing with my time? nothing. just crapping around with the computer. am i trying to spend the extra time i got on something productive? no.
lets do homework. damn facebook.

once a person truly values the essence of time, he truly succeed in life.
not life is suck.

and i can go on and on and on, but i'll just save it for another day.

给我一点时间，我一定会做得到的！相信。

2009-06-03T21:46:00.006+08:00

JUUUUUUSTT only.

kelaper.
holidays. im happy to actually go back to school yo. the fact that i know that my studies are important, last year now, get this shit over and done with WELL, and also to be have a good so shirl circle.

i still remember like last year when i went into this class i was like, fuck it about having friends and all. going out with them not worth it and waste of thaime. rather spend it on training ah, gym ah, cocks like that. so i got really close with my PEEKAY friends, but not with my classmates.

cannot like that yo.
then i looked at the time. it was about march, like 8months like that till end of o's. after that, no more time to talk to friends. then regret, cry to sleep all day LIKE who, nvm. you'll never know what you're missing. anyway im spending so much more time on the computer, might as well use it to go out. just only, at least its a much more meaningful usage of thaime.

i might not be skilled in so shirl lies sing. but thats the whole point now, that i just try to talk more hang out more play soccer more do homework together. i sacrifaced some training time. but its nothing, because if i could be spending so much time on the comp now, i could just get down and do things now. its about prioritising and balance things out. so soon i must lee meat myself from this deadly comp of mine. spend more time on training/with friends/study! AIK!

easy to say or think, but never e c to do. applies to so many things. want to stop comp, wanna study, get downstairs. C-yan. o's levels coming, chinese is OBVIOUS failure so must buck up the remaining subjects. but i'm not doing any revision only watching television (WHATONLY act rapper!)

now im just waiting for saturday to meet up with my PEEKAY friends, long time never really went out with them.

thanks for everything, people. *sobs* so emo. :P

P.S. JUST 而以.
(i'm gonna work for my chinese O's ORAL!!!) (say only)