Retrospection is stripping every single layer of defense of yourself.
Coming to terms with your very ego and telling it to stop fighting back - it's easier said than done. All of your life's experience is letting your brain know otherwise, and at some points it's can be confusing why it feels the need to fend itself, but when it gets to that stage, you're pretty much better off letting it go.
Switch off.
It's another thing to learn from, to manage, to add to your ever-growing repertoire of experience and do your damn best to make sure it doesn't repeat again.
Sure. I have my fair share of being blinded by my ego, holding out for way too long, way too hard, yet for basically causing nothing but devastation.
Yet, why do we care about this ego thing so much?
Being together with someone else exposes you or all your inner demons that you don't want to ever face. Escaping and run away, sounds familiar doesn't it? (Hint: Parkour)
And in order to continue being together with that someone means you need to constantly software update yourself to address all the bugs in MY system.
That's a lot of coding. Or effort. Which we are all capable of doing.
Question is, how much is too much?
The politically correct answer is 'You can (and should) always improve'.
What if I feel (very strongly <- even by pointing this out, it sounds snobbish) that I've already improved so much, and want to just 'hang around'? The app still functions very well, if you can just see the rest of the progress I've made so far and not just this one error.
But it is still an error! Sticks out like a sore thumb.
Construction cap on, off I go to fix MY problem again.
That's the thing that people don't see. The constant holding up, tanking, stress-solving – isn't that part of the job? The stereotypical 'good man', the breadwinner, the loving husband, capable AF to handle everything with A* empathy skills. If you're anything less, you don't deserve anything more.
MENtal Health. Funny. But it's not. It's heavy. It's not uncommon for people to think that the guy in the relationship is the problem. Seems like they're right, though.
Yes, I am human. I have my faults. I am not perfect. And hey, I do care enough to be better, yet I find comfort in just being myself. I keep feeling like no one sees the struggle when you know the kind of work you've done to improve yourself, yet what echoes the loudest in your head is the fact that you are still very much lacking.
And that's a very lonely feeling.
How does one cope with someone else who is also suffering from mental burnout, life stresses, potentially undiagnosed mental illness?
There are lots of content put out there for mental health awareness and what not. Dealing with sexism. Dealing with just about anything and everything. People go through a lot.
Being empathetic, staying 'woke' of such issues, etc., now that's a duty on you. You're not mentally unwell, so you're privileged, and you have to be aware! And you're a man!
I want to say, suicide rates of men are higher than women and I can very clearly understand why.
Mental issues or what not, how we manifest them is different from people to people. I think I handle my stresses well. But I don't think I handle other people's stress as well. And that in turn, stresses me even more. Like truly.
I know they have gone through a lot and had to put up with everything. But that is also a load on me that I bear, and more.
Any kind of things I don't do, becomes unhelpful. Then I become unempathetic.
When I 'turn it around', it's seen that it's all about me, and that I am also uncaring.
Do people even see what I go through, doing what I am doing? But by saying that, means people think I'm saying someone else is the problem.
If I say it's not, it becomes contradictory.
It's just, a lot. For me, as well. And it can be much more overbearing for me than one can fathom.
Yet, it is me who 'don't understand'.
I am the problem.
Maybe it really is all about me.
Let me be me.
Life is great.
And then it isn't.
If you noticed the trends from my secondary school rantings till now (especially on Twitter), it was always about not enjoying the kind of pressure-cooker life here in Singapore. Many years of trying to fight the system, getting fed up, but ultimately, what choice do we have?
30 years now, you'd think we would have moved on from it.
Yes, for the most part.
After Melbourne life, it was all about trying to make it work here.
Which I did.
There's a lot to be happy about to get to where I am now. People would've been dreaming of the kind of life I am living. And indeed, I feel like I should be proud.
Should be.
Fretting over the potential costs of owning a house, running a family, dreams of running a gym, etc. - of course I'd fret. We are all familiar with this hustle. And we're conditioned to take it. Honestly, despite some hiccups, I do feel like I have come to terms with it all. Committed. All in. No more backing out.
What's scary is whenever you get triggered so hard that you zoom out, have your mind wander to this dark place, the questions start coming in and you are like, what got me here in the first place? Do I really like whatever I'm doing? Do I want to keep doing it?
And the further you go into that deep end, the more you freak out, because you then get reminded about how far shackled you are already, so you try to whip yourself back to reality. Wake up!!! Don't go there. Bad trip's about to happen.
Then we're back to the routine, putting up with the usual, just work hard and pay up, settle settle settle, don't think so much.
It really is just that.
We try to find purpose and meaning to the things we do on the daily. We get by. Find things to keep you happy. Train. Do less mundane work, or at least make it worthwhile. Enjoy. Stay out late at night just so you can chill tfo occasionally.
Similar concept, different life path.
There's a lot of things that can easily tip a person over. Stress, suicides, therapy, mental health breaks, all at an all-time high. But it's merely statistics. Soon, it's just an episode that people forget. Gotta keep keeping at it.
I know everyone has their own ways to deal with their things. All I can say is, the best solution for me is not to think about it. Don't keep reminding yourself of how shitty Singapore is and how much you have to grind all the time. Let it be. Yes, keep doing what you're doing - you're doing it well. Trust.
Hello blog,
Lots of updates in life right now.
Almost 2/3s of the way through 2022. Everything has been so fast-paced, and I thought that I could keep up. All I find myself doing is reaching up to the surface, gasping for air, and diving right back down again.
When I was younger, I hated the Singapore life to its core. Societal norms, suffocating ways of making ends meet, etc. I'm not ever conforming to that. So much so, that I adamantly moved to Melbourne and spent $26k of my parents money (till this day, I still wish I hadn't, should've just gone on a working holiday) for a year's worth of Bachelor Degree studies. Life wasn't perfect overseas, obviously, The grass was greener, and then it isn't, but hey, now that I'm back here, it's definitely very green again over there.
Anyways, back to Singapore I go, did a bit of traveling thereafter again, and when it was 'time to settle down', I soon found myself (2018) in my first contracted full time job, Edit & Play. That's when I met Gwen, and our relationship started. Singapore seemed to be good then. I'd say it was a rough start to our relationship (more on that later), but still, everything was novel, I was pretty much in the moment, no stresses about the future.
As I dove deep into coaching and making that my intended career path, I realize there was a lot of potential in it, much more meaning behind it, and the fact that I've been pushing hard for the community events and kinda reaching somewhere with it, I knew that Singapore is basically the place I can stand out from. Hey, people know me here. I'm much more valuable here more than in other countries. And I obviously have a nice house that I don't pay rent for. So here's where my money can grow exponentially.
As I quit The Yard, and entered Move Academy, that's when I start to enjoy the fruits of my labour. My private classes are building up, had help with website and FB marketing and started to see the full potential of making a living out of this thing. Even with Covid, it hit us but not too hard, and honestly, it was during these time of my life where I felt I finally hit the balance with the financials, thus my mind wasn't too worried.
For a good year or so I could tell myself I was really 'happy'. I had money, I had a good relationship, what was lacking was the ability to have time to myself (time, money, relationship - pick 2). But I was able to manage it more or less. I understood that I am in the time of my life where I can't have everything. I was okay not having everything because I had the other two.
That said, as the relationship went on and we're reaching peak adulting season (i.e the 30s), you could really feel pressure building up. 'When you BTO?' 'When proposing?' 'When having baby?'. Sometimes I really question these phases of life. Sometimes you just want to stay in your 'happy phase'. Everything is good and well here........ but not for long. That's the basis of life, right?
The one thing I really hate about Singapore life is the housing situation. You can be 'rich', but when you own a house here, you are in debt till you're dead. Trying to be okay with this has been extremely hard for me to wrap my head around. But I thought, maybe I could do it. I am fitting the mold. There's no backing out now.
It is just 5 months ago Gwen and I got engaged. It was indeed a blast into unknown territory for me. Fiance/fiancee? Fiancy. It does sound like an elevated status. It was bliss, it was a memory not to be forgotten, and I really really enjoyed the night.
We're not done yet, though. Housing. Money.
Back to the topic of money, let's talk about MOVE Academy. From 2018 to early half of 2022, it was a place where I felt comfortable growing in. From setting up shop in Kraken Gym and building a decently sized student-community - to merging into a full fledged academy. More hands on deck - less stress! There was some early rough patches (sounds familiar), but for the journey in the middle, it was pretty much a smooth-sailing ride. Lots of learning, experimenting, knowing that failing is safe here.
Gwen got herself involved in coaching as well ever since dropping off her previous video editing roles. Her first experience with SWAGA was underwhelming to say the least. She never has good luck with her work-life, so I thought since there was a space to include her in MOVE Academy, we rode on it, even though we know that the freelance money here is probably going to be a slow one too.
Again, it was all well and good for the most part of 2021, until a foreshadowing of an absolute crumbling down of the company happened towards the end of the year. Things took a heavy turn from there.
2022 started off rough. In a company of 5 leaders trying to say what they want and see who can out-preach each other, it quickly became such a dread. Company was directionless, people hanging on with no progress, super uncomfortable, and mostly unenjoyable. I had the director come at me wanting me to lower my shares, needing his own emotional needs be babied, and somehow at the brink of it all, rage-quitted the company, AND then came back, and demanded to fire me. It was insane. Just being surrounded by this mess had me feeling down in the dumps, but hey - guess what? No time to rest! What next? Set up your own company? You should've done this long ago!
Of course, I was unwilling to let go 4 years of hard work. But am I ready to shoulder the director's position? Am I ready to take over presidency of PKSG? Of course you are! You have to be.
Tank it all. Handle the pressure. Right back at it. Let's go.
When everything is all set up and going, many difficult questions surfaces - 'What's your goal with the company', 'What's my role and what do you want me for?', and of course - 'How much I am getting paid?'. Psst - old director. I got a glimpse to what you're feeling right now, fair enough, it's definitely not easy. But sorry, you're still 🤮.
Anyways, truthfully, it was not all that bad. Just a lot of processing, and hoping for some sort of understanding from everyone. The trauma from what happened to MOVE Academy still lingers, and I never wish to follow those footsteps.
Now, back to Gwen and freelance money life. Plus point = she got to keep her significantly lucrative private class from MOVE. Negative point = money on our side is still slow. Lots of work piling up, pressure's also building on her to get things going. Marketing = urgent. Holiday season = low attendance. Stress stress stress, with little to no return. After the many years of 'bad bosses' that she had, to now be her 'boss' and also see her freak out and lose herself, knowing that this industry couldn't support her... how can I not blame myself?
Solution-finding... hmmm... aha! Let's go on a trip.
But before that, let me rewind back to the part about me being 'happy'. Remember I said I was okay for not having time to myself? At this present moment, my life isn't mine to live. I see myself satisfying others, be it actively or subconsciously. But ultimately I feel extremely drained not being able to serve myself. Even when I finally do get 'time to my own', my mind wanders off to 'work territory' or I am just too jacked up to do any form of training. Hitting the gym takes up a lot more willpower than usual, despite it being such a helpful tool to destress (but not for long!).
All my personal goals are left in the back-seat for way too long. All the grumpy complaints on my Patreon, on Twitter, to Gwen and the people around me, false promises of posting up this so-called project... they're all just complaints and all it does it reminds me of how far away I am from accomplishing my goals. I want to so badly, and it will be what empowers me to do feel more motivated to give back to others, at least in my head. Sadly, without the constant training to upkeep myself mentally and physically, the longer I will have to put my project on hold, just because of the 'high-achieving / perfectionist' nature of myself, it's just too hard to let go of some of these life-defining goals that I would love to tick off. I am holding on to the belief that I can still do it, but as the days keep ticking by, I start to lose hope, and that's when I get into my depressive states.
As an athlete, that feeling of achievement and that sense of satisfaction you get is second-to-none. Of course, you worked hard, so you deserved it. From my early years of Parkour, that was what bred successes. Yet, as you pursue further and further, everything gets tougher and tougher, and we're now reaching a point where a plateau will eventually happen. And you'll have to be okay with finding something else to replace that 'sense of satisfaction' you get. What a drug. I'm just not ready for that, yet.
Parkour is an incredibly introspective and solo endeavor in my life. And given my introverted nature, I needed a lot of alone time. And ever since I got together with Gwen, I was exposed to this more extroverted side of life. Talking deeper, bonding with students, with people, getting out of my shell. Social gatherings from school life was never a fun experience, but hey, as an adult, these connections are essential for everything. Opening up to let people understand you, people like authenticity... but ultimately a long day of that = more alone time to make up for it.
So this 'alone time' during our relationship is pretty damn rare I would say. Given the nature that we stay over each other places most of the time since the start of the relationship (there was a period where Gwen moved over to my place for 8 months or so). It has been frequently communicated to her that I need it but conversely, Gwen's love language is 'Quality Time' (and a pretty high standard at that, imo). Eventually, I got pretty used to being with her basically 24/7. We do have our little spaces and we do our own thing. We do very easily get sidetracked and then what I would consider 'alone time' is no longer 'alone time', but also it's not good enough to be 'Quality Time'.
Remember earlier when I stated that we had a 'rough start' to our relationship? One of our early memorable fight was over Cha-Tra-Mue, basically Thai Milk Tea that costed $3+ and I drank a bit too much of it, yet I complaint saying that she's spending too much on drinks. And also over asking her to pay me back over waffles which costed $1.50. Basically she wasn't having it with me being calculative with money. If people in the past knows me, I hardly spend anything on myself. I was the penny-pinching traveller, and I make it a point to be thrifty, and work hard to make up for it (Melbourne days, zero allowance from family + deliveroo hustles).
I bring this up because my perception of money changed a lot because of her. I understood what is it like to 'Treat Yo' Self!'. From picking the cheapest cai-fan meals with no kopitiam drinks - to have mid-tier range restaurants, ordering more than 2 dishes, ordering $3 thai milk teas (which also kickstarted my obsession with Teh Tarik). Dining with Gwen was a luxury to me. I loved it. We get to share everything. And with the fact that we're older and we're making bigger bucks than my early scrimp-and-save days, it definitely made the adapting a lot smoother. I learnt to be a bit more flexible with money, and knowing that I'm the one who is making more money in this relationship, naturally I'm the one fork out the bills more, saying okay to this, okay to that. And that's all Gucci
One last point before I go back to the 'trip'. The perfectionist nature of me meant that I'm not one that accept failures easily. Any fuck-ups in a parkour line - I'm retaking the shot. Worst still, making a mistake and getting injured - it's not going to be a good time. I beat myself over it, you guys knew what happened during the previous Malaysia trip. If anything, that would've been the lowest point within the last 4.5 years, but I'm still building up my story to the latest and lowest 'low'.
Covid borders reopen and funny enough, we both recovered from Covid, and after a very subpar staycation in Sentosa in May, I thought we deserve a proper one in July. And so we did. Booked the tickets, made very little plans but all I know was we're going to have a good time.
Being out in Thailand again after so long was a refresher. I loved the trip for sure. But one thing really stood out to me till this day. Our quarrels. We fought at least 3 times, and I was able to handle the first two pretty fine, but somehow, on the third one (happened on the last day), I really lost it.
In my 4.5 years of getting together, coupled with how I am feeling amidst this company change and lack of personal developmental time, it really culminated in one of the heaviest blow I had to take. It just seems that I can't catch a break.
When couples fight in a relationship, I see it as an injury, a mental blow to each other. And there's really only so much injuries each of us can take. Some injuries you can recover really quickly, but if there's are so many in quick successions, each cutting deeper than the ones before, you know it's going downhill.
I hate injuries (as you can tell) and my perception of how I view quarrels are possibly unhealthy - it shows that we're unable to cope with each other, we don't understand each other, we're not supporting each other, despite the fact we're 4+ years into this relationship and engaged too! Wow. Noticing how Gwen is increasingly snappier (and of course she does have reasons to be), I started to feel extremely tired of appeasing her. Here another reminder why I suck. Bam, here's some negativity. As one injury comes after another, all's that in mind is to just let it bleed - why plaster up when another gash will come soon anyways.
Why can't I no longer be quick to apologise, to own up to mistakes, to drop everything and comfort her? Why am I making this relationship harder than it needs to be? Why I am no longer strong enough to 'be the better man', just take the ego gut-punch, and fix it? Why do I not understand her? Why do I keep making mistakes? Poor communications? I don't put effort into this?
I guess there are just a lot of pent-up emotions which I don't even know was pent-up, and sometimes I really just wish to run away, to escape, dropping of responsibilities, because I know so many who just do the same. Living is indeed the hardest thing to do. Especially in fucking Singapore. I honestly salute all sorts of people out there with well functioning partners and families and making a good buck here following through with the system. Props to your mental stability in this pressure-cooker of a country.
Sometimes I think back to the times where I am alone, and all I have to care for is myself. It does get lonely for sure, and I can be pretty damn harsh on myself, but truthfully, I don't remember it being this tough.
Sometimes I also think what if Parkour didn't have Gwen around? Somehow having my passion, work, and relationship all in the mix can make emotions really confusing, it seems like she is doing this to support me, but actually she is just doing her job. But when turned around, I don't show up for her interest and passions, then it seems like I'm such a downer and underwhelming partner who only takes but not give. She indeed gives me a lot. Even when not asked. Of course I'm appreciative, but sometimes I just get put into the loop where I feel I will just disappoint her and can't give her back the same.
Don't get me wrong tho. There are a lot of plus points from Gwen's side that I am very thankful for. How she stood by me even when I couldn't, how her help has grew the company and community to another level, how she opened my eyes to so many things around the world, especially interpersonal connections and communication, basically she helped to keep me in check. I love her and I know that if I lose her, it's going to a bigger regret that I will never be okay with.
I just don't know how to get the energy needed to comeback from this. And there's really not much hopes - the company needs me to stay strong as now I have 10 people's bank account to feed (this is not even accounting for myself yet), there's a national day event coming, not quite looking forward to the set-up/tear-down and post event parts... and then there is AGM, and then another month of payslips. It's scary how everything is so linked to Parkour and the amount of responsibility to upkeep, thankfully I can compartmentalize well enough the training is training and work is work, but heck, to see my passion turned into dread is a textbook case of burning out.
And then there is the next goal of moving out of the house (which is a super important step, yet so scary, so defining, and just filled with tons of inertia (funny because we broke through the HLE step...)). Somehow I'm just hoping for the strength and courage to see it to the very end. But the money woes has been setting in tremendously.
Lastly, knowing that Gwen is so emotional down with her finances, herself, still recovering from past traumas, and generally in a very low mood, definitely puts me in a position where I want to 'save' her. Savior complex or something? I don't know. But whatever it is, the guy in the relationship MUST be the one to satisfy his partner's emotional needs right?
In the past, I've found myself stepping up to the plate and being the one to hear her emotional rants and take the hits, comforted her after - I hope I have done well back then, but also maybe not (well better than now for sure). When I mentioned 'high standards' of Quality Time, it really does feel that way to me. I'm always looking for my personal satisfaction time - i.e training, doing things on my own, etc. and won't hesitate at any chance to do so, and somehow I have always been missing the target with her but not giving the exact sort of 'Quality Time' she prefers. And when that happens, it's a crushing blow to take. I thought I did well. But it's still not 'it'.
Over the years of such, it has conditioned my brain that if I don't do this, it will be disappointing to her, and thus I keep on setting up expectations on myself to make sure I do this / or not do that, in order to not disappoint her. I'm not ready for another fight. But funny enough, this sets me up for exactly that. Sometimes, I just have to disappoint her and that's okay. It is definitely something I recognized of late and it will be big process for me to undo this toxic mindset loop.
Anyways, once I'm better, here are some key points to remember:
- Patience. Strength.
- Learn to communicate better. Clarify more. Nicely.
- Be less harsh on yourself.
- Take negativity less negatively.
- Spend more time apart.
- It is okay for her to be disappointed or to feel down, let her be and she'll be okay
- Show more appreciation.
- Give when you can.
- Listen.
Hopefully I can put it into action.
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This has been a long ass post, granted it is long overdue. I do miss writing down my thoughts. It's a good outlet. I hope to somehow magically find the strength to continue following through. And if anything, maybe actually breathe.
Disclaimer: All these thoughts are subjected to my viewpoints and not hers - the very complex and confusing mind of mine decides what it wants to think.
- Getting my home gym, getting really consistent and hitting 130kg 5 reps as one of my biggest achievement this year!
- Circuit Breaker achievements - apart the home gymming, I worked on coaching online for my classes, learning lots about squat mobility and spending quality time in stretching!
- Running an online skills competition, a no-flip home flow competition at that!
- Reviving my YouTube, started vlogging, did up 20 videos! Wow. Content-making is still far from satisfactory but I'd say I did pretty well trying to make things work esp during the circuit breaker. Also far from being comfortable with the camera but the fact that I tried is something worth a pat on the back, I think.
- Slowly but surely recovering from my foot injury - despite setbacks, I think I reached a point now where I am stronger than ever! Almost, at least.
- MOVE Academy getting really stable, hitting record earnings after Phase 1/2 from my parkour regular and private classes + having 6 weeks of great kids camps and making a full fledged system for both the administrative side and the coaching side. It's definitely a great plus to work for yourself rather than for someone else.
- Towards the later half of the year, I managed to achieve newer and bigger jumps, some that I would never have imagine myself doing.
- I reached up to 26.6k followers from what I think was 20k+ since the last viral video of the wall run at Gold Coast. Bonus - the videos I edited of my students were posted on MOVE Academy's YT and it grew like crazy. True definition of a 'blow up'.
- Gwen and I are reaching out 3 years together. She's living with me for the greater part of the year, so we spent a fair bit of time sorting out my room to fit two of us - lovely new furniture with great PCs, queen size bed, TV, etc. and most recently, Gwen's new PC!
- I felt like I grew a lot more about understanding what's right, communication, coaching, viewing money, being a human, managing myself, although admittedly, there's still so much more to go...
Money hustles aside, I'd say my video projects are my main goals in life at the moment. There's just something that's driving me to create this 'best' project ever, consisting of extremely difficult parkour goals, which are just within reach (with a lot of effort), admittedly with very high expectations in terms of quality of movement, not to mention filming / editing, all for the sake of my drive in making the 'best video ever'. Many a times I settle for less-than-perfect filming just because I know I can't expect people to have the best handling of the camera (as if having them turn up to a far spot isn't hard enough). And I feel that I owe a world of favour after taking away their training time for 20 attempts for a stick. Truthfully, I can't control how quickly I take to tick some of these goal. These goals are mostly very mental, also needing very high physical capacity which comes and goes, so when I do feel like I'm back to my best form, I push even harder, but it reminded me of the foot injury that happened in Malaysia last year.
Compromising and accommodating requires tons of effort and being able to reach the point of equilibrium is the hardest thing ever. I'd say I'm selfish, yes I have ego, yet I still say I am doing as much as I can already, so to what point is 'enough'?
By the end of April, it feels like I'm moving on to another new phase of my life.
It's funny how there's always a countdown period to a new phase even in your mid-twenties, and you thought school (Pri > Sec > Poly > Uni) and NS were over and there's nothing left to dread. You thought wrong.
The past year was a unique one because I indulged fully into the Parkour hustle mode. After a four month stint in an video-editing job – I decided to say fuck it to my bachelor degree in film and go full out to live out of Parkour. So I did. I started out Kraken classes with Parkour Singapore and took up a full-time job at The Yard as a Ninja Director. These two decisions really spearheaded me into a direction in life that I've never thought I'll be taking.
Let's start with the positives:
To have the experience of running a brand new class at Kraken from the get-go is truly humbling and rewarding – from seeing 2 or 3 regular kids training in the gym once a week (had to pull through somehow), to having to work out capacity issues with classes up to 20 people in a small dainty gym. Now we run Kraken classes 3 times a week, and I have a couple of private lessons that could tide me by pretty sustainably.
Being a 'Director' of a new program in a new gym at The Yard was a totally different experience as well. Being put in the position of kids as young as 3 years old to 10 years old forced me to learn how to better connect with younger kids. Class control. Being able to work with parents expectation. Being professional. Coming up with more creative things to teach. And actually see some of these kids improve as they are being assessed with my level system. Marketing. Running Ninja Games.
On the other hand, there's a lot to this that I didn't enjoy as well.
Admittedly, working for someone else was the reason for a lot of unhappiness in the past year with the Yard. Apart from restricted freedom to run your lessons how you want to, the amount of corporate bullshit and backstabbing that happens (even in a gymnastics business like this) is crazy as well. I re-learnt that I have to be careful with who I trust. This is also the reason why I had to call it quits after one year (only got to enjoy a decent pay raise the past 4 months, but oh well, off to greener pastures).
There's also a lot of stresses that comes with running your own classes. Business is blooming, which is amazing. It was also this year that we decided to merge with Move Academy so that we have more brains and manpower. I'm super happy with the new website and direction we are working towards all whilst doubling the size of our student base. However, there's still a lot to work on before I feel fully satisfied with it. Now needing to split the profits four-ways (and more) is much more complicated and there's a lot of touchy topics that requires a lot of discussion to make things fair. I just have to remain calm and believe that the good will come out of this soon.
Lastly, after indulging in the coaching life fully and trying to learn more and push myself to become a better coach, I still feel that in the very essence, I'm still an athlete that wants to get better in movement. Living the coaching-6-days-a-week type of life has not only made me somewhat sedentary as well. The drive of training after coaching 7 hours is gone because you just want to head home after that. On top of that, my brain is fried 24/7. You're on high alert constantly –making sure kids are safe and not running off, not affecting the other classes/students, are still improving, and appeasing the parent's (and other coaches') expectation. You also have to make sure that you are catering to every skill level in a class that has kids, teens, adults, and seniors. There's also only so much you can do to keep things fresh while you coach back to back week after week at the same old facility. Slowly, you start to feel that the quality of your classes has dropped, despite you trying your best to maintain the top quality coaching that you claim to offer. Am I looking forward to coaching my class after 1.5 years of this? Not so much...
This new phase of life will mean so much to me to finally be able to train again. I'm 99% healthy, my power level hasn't dropped too drastically but I'm determined to get it back up. Mentally, I haven't pushed myself in ages, and my technique probably got rusty a little. I can't wait till I'm back on regular training form and I can start to enjoy moving so much more again, while just having to coach twice (instead of the original 6 times) a week.
Now I finally can also have more time to create content. God knows the number of projects that are currently left hanging and collecting dust in the hard drives. I got so much I want to do, but it will still require quite some time and easing back to. Hopefully something good will come out of the content I'm intending to push for...
I am going to rearrange my schedule and make sure I stick to it. 2 days of coaching, 1 day of admin work. 1 day of weights gym, getting back to the rehab & stretching life, work on my handstands & 1-armed pull-ups, work on some new skills (Ninja, Yoga, Climbing), and then loads of practice. I want to make a goals list for Parkour moves as well. I'm also going to read a book once every week, cut down on social media scrolling and unnecessary spendings. And sleep early!!!
Unfortunately, there's still quite a fair bit of work to do outside of coaching, and that's because we're about to go full swing into planning mode for LCG2019. Hopefully with much more time and experience, I am able to pull this off to the best of my ability. Pushing it to the next level. I'm also going to focus a lot on community events and driving business to the classes. Let's hope it all works out.
Also, I think I'm going to go to Jump Off which I'm super looking forward to now. Miss big Parkour events and this would be a good one to go to.
Other than that, I can't wait till it's 27th April. New chapter begins then.
To be honest, it’ll always be like this, no matter where I go. I come in to any company, they start to learn about me, they know that I have shit outside to do, and my priorities and focus goes to them (PKSG). And they accept it, they may even applaud it, but deep inside, they just see me as non-committal, ultimately dispensable.
There is also the damned fact that The Yard gets to keep me for 3 long months if I decide to quit. Honestly that sucks so much. The Yard is just too smart and stingy af. That alone makes me feel like ‘why would I want to help this company like this?’. There is so much thinking twice to do. I guess my mistake was settling for too little. Or that hurtful truth that I shouldn’t be asking for so much, because there just isn’t anyone else out there that would be willing to pay you any higher. As much as what everyone tells you in your teenage years about chasing your dreams and do what you love, I am now feeling the struggles of making money out of your passion. But I have chosen this. A lil too far into it to be going back on my choices now.
This year has been pretty slow when it comes to freelance opportunities. I had a couple of good ones, like the Uniqlo shoot, and a DHL edit (that took me long enough, and had a frustrating start, which ultimately led to me buying a new PC, yay), a couple of performances (Star Wars, CNY, one coming up next Saturday), being invited to Freerun X5 to do a workshop, couple of birthday party photoshoots at Katapult.
Frustratingly, we haven't quite secured much performance/gigs from Parkour Singapore yet, and when I finally thought I could secure one, it had to be on a day when I'm overseas. This is the second time a high paying shoot (>$1k) clashes with my overseas trip. I have not been travelling at all this year, and when it finally comes to it, of course it ends up on those dates. It's the worst feeling ever. That's almost equivalent to my entire month's pay at The Yard, condensed into 4 hours, but can't earn them because I'm away. But there's literally nothing I can do about it. Suck it up and see another opportunity cost go by. It's funny, because right before booking my Krabi trip happening in 2 weeks' time, I told myself being away is better than being in Singapore, especially when it means spending more time with someone you love. At least you are out there making new experiences for yourself instead of being kept in a routine. I guess this is some kind of sick joke life is playing out on me. Well, I guess if I have to make that cruise trip really worth my time and also just see it as passing on a dope job to someone else and hope they show appreciation for it.
What I feel I accomplished the most this year is our PKSG Level Up classes
The first half of the year was extremely slow and there are points where I just felt the dread to wake up early to make it to those classes. But I still love it a lot more than the other classes I've taught (The Yard, UWCSea, etc.). Finally I can do something of my own. To see the class grow post-LCG was definitely a boost in my motivation and happiness. Money is one thing for sure, but mainly I feel that there are people out there who truly wants to learn from me, and that we have started something to build a family that is really valuable to the community, to myself, and have started the ball rolling in this Parkour business that I wished I've started yearsssssssssssssssssssss ago. But hey, better later than never, and truth is, it's doing pretty well the past 3 months, and the challenge for me now is to continue growing it, hoping it stays good for longer, and hopefully be able to live out of this.
Now for the elaboration about PKSG stuff. It's no doubt a huge focus of my life and it has to be in order for it to be able to stand it on it's own. Maintaining the classes is one thing, but there are also events (LCG, APC, monthly jams), websites, invoices, schedules, emails, social media, ideas & planning, talking to people, etc. etc. There is an entire list of things that I still have to do, but I don't have a lot of time because I need this job that requires so much of my commitment (one more complaint to the list - the shitty need of a replacement (with soooo limited options available) whenever you're not available) because it's the only source of stable income at the moment. Thus the remaining time I have left is spent just barely doing what I can for PKSG. I don't even have time to make my personal video goals and currently training is more of a maintenance more than actually pushing myself and progressing - the drive is slowly decreasing, which is really depressing, never in my 11 years of Parkour life have I felt this way, but whenever I do have a break and start training again, I just can't stop. I just wish I can finally take a break from it all and just focus on improving myself and tick off some of the power goals I have on my list... It's always going to be a challenge I guess.
Almost hitting the 7 months mark of my relationship, might sound like a short time but still, that was fast... To be honest, the past 7 months having a better half definitely shaped me up to be a tougher person. There are a lot more stress and pressure from the added responsibility of being in a relationship, something that you don't have to face during singlehood, but having the support and constant loving from someone is surely something I want to stay for the rest of my life. Time management on top of work and training is being tested to its maximum and it's definitely not easy. I guess life is all about the give and take. You can't have everything. Balance. Yin and Yang. Everything in moderation.